rainy saturday morning

Very cold in the apartment this morning. Last night was good, better than I had anticipated. Was a surprise party for an ex's 40th, thrown by his current boyfriend. I'd love to be able to say something nasty and catty and all that, but they're a nice couple and the ex's boyfriend is sweet and its not their fault that they totally ruined my life and I havent had a decent relationship since.......... Just kidding! Actually saw 2 guys there I havent seen since the ACT UP days, and so as we were putting the pieces together of when we last saw each other, why we stopped going to meetings and actions, it was a bit tough, but not in a bad way, just in a "Can't believe so-and-so has been gone for so long" kinda way. Walking home in the rain, with Talking Head's Fear of Music playing on my discthing, I got kinda sad; no, not quite sad, but sorta nostalgic, or contemplative, about that whole late 80's/early 90's period with ACT UP - the pals who've died, the awfulness of watching them slip away, the pals I no longer see, the drive to participate in "street action" long gone; this middle-aged don't know what I want and don't know how to get it and don't want to try and be disappointed bland disillusiion creeping in (or surfacing, since its there most of the time). Dunno. I look around my apartment, and see artifacts, things that belonged to men who died way too early, and I think I'm too young to have all these things in my possession; some ordinary things like a vaccuum cleaner, book shelves, cd's; plus the more personal, signed books, lots of photographs, postcards, a few tissue-paper thin "activist" t-shirts. Some with cumstains from 10 years ago from late night backrooms and cheap beer and some bizarre sense of community from being in a sweaty tiny room with no air circulating whacking off and tasting balls only hours after some excrutiating meeting about "fighting the Church" and "fucking-up the system" and so many good people gone and you're still here.....