FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
i just wanted to have a coupla beers, look at men, imagine one or two might look at me, and f*ckin relax. plenty of nice lookin men, cheap beer, but still, it was a good two hours without even a hello to or from anyone. and a bar buddy approaches, and he says i look like i am "over it" - and honestly, I wasn't. I was actually getting to a point where I was pleasantly amusing myself just people-watching, and was no longer focused on receiving attention. You know how it is, you get to a point where it's not so much you've given up, but you change your focus. Tonight would be about just watching; see that hot guy over there - see that other handsome man over there? now that i have officially desired each of them, each on opposite sides of the room, how long before they get together? yup. one of those nights, fine. But then, then ----------- i run into some good friends. and there's hugging, and kisses, and silliness, and phewwwww. Then I see a really nice couple I like, and they are always fukin super nice to me, and I talk to them for awhile. and after awhile I spot another couple, also really nice, and go talk to them, and they are generously flirtatious, and i'm not even conscious about trying to have a nice time, i just am. and a buddy sees me with the flirtatious pair, and gives me a smile and knowing nod, and it's just fun and silly, and i'm not thinking i'm just being and it's fukin' nice.
and then i go get a bottle of water from the bar and turn my head and......... why is he here - GODDDDAMIT! and i plummet. well, I am not going into how i feel about this, cuz it just is, and now i am home, and i have a whole bunch of food i can shove into my face and pretend like that'll make me feel better, and the only, the ONLY good thing is that I am not just sad, or sad again, or sad still. I am sad, but i'm mad. i'm mad that i could be soaring and feeling nice and BOOOM it's gone. it pisses me off. and i'm not going to even think about how he might feel, cuz i've spent 4 months now worrying about that, and thinking that it is still my concern, and well, i am just gonna fukin pick up and move to montana and have a dental floss farm or something cuz.... oh, nevermind.