if you open yer mouth and a purse falls out....

i shouldn't be surprised, the night after drinking too much, eating too much when i got home at 3am (or was it 4?) after drinking too much, and, needless to say, alone and not so much as a glance in my direction all night from anyone in that bar i drank too much in - i'm kinda blue. there was a point - not just before i left when i realized everyone in the place was either doing drugs in the john, or partnered guys hooking up with other partnered guys - but earlier, when i realized i was invisible. I was talking to two friends, middle of a sentence, when a guy comes up to us. a bar buddy, pal, and he says hey, starts talking, and as he's getting louder, and more into his story, i'm moving just a little bit away, giving him space, and as he goes on and on, and my pals are engaged in this story, and I can no longer hear him, as I seem to be closer to the loudspeaker, and further away from the three of them, i realize i'm no longer with these guys; the 4th guy is standing in the spot i was standing in just a few minutes ago.....

and i do that sighing thing i do, and retreat a bit further into the dark and either sit in a corner, or grab another useless beer. a certain amount of resignation mixed with anger sets in. sometimes i think i'm just not from this goddman planet. which is weird, cuz i do a lot of the things that you earthlings do, but i seem to look at them with a quizzical, perplexed eye. for example, my semi-addiction to a certain webcamchatroom. i've got my wang out, and i'm looking at other guys with their wangs out, these men i don't know, and rarely say anything except the obligatory i wanna lick your hairy balls while you whack it, man kinda thing (2Bpolite). and then i see typed on the screen: yeah man, i wanna f*ck that ass and i get irritated, like angry irritated - and he wasn't even messenging me! but i'm thinking it's not THAT ass - it's HIS ASS you want to fuck HIS ASS, YOU WANT TO FUCK HIS GODDAM ASS! HIS! HIS! HIS ASS! - he's a person, a human being, not a goddam object on your video screen! and... fuck, why am i not laughing? i should be laughing, but i'm mad, pissed off! and then i just dismiss the whole lot of them (men; i hate/love men, are you figuring that out yet?). And god help the poor schmuck who messages me directly with the i want that big cock up my ass - it's MY BIG COCK, mutherfucker, you want MY BIG COCK up your hot hairy ass (not up THAT hot hairy ASS). it's MY BIG COCK, the big cock you want up your hole belongs to a person, a fuckin goodam person!

and it's like i don't know anyone, ANYONE who even gets it, let alone feels this way. and the stoopid personal ads or "dating" profiles with the UB2's and weird criteria for contacting them. sure, we all get messages form guys we're not into, and sure, some guys can be goddam creepy, but i don't know, i just get all irritated when i read these screeds, these don't be this; do be that profiles, and yet, and yet.... there i am clicking on pics, reading profiles, sending out the occasional hey man, and saying the occasional thanks, man replies. and then, i'm reading hotmusclestudmasctop's profile (i know, don't say it), and he's got ..and if when you open your mouth, a purse falls out.... with some dribble about how it's not a match, or some such nonsense. Now, we all know he's not really weeding out those of us with high-pitched girly voices, he just thinks he's signaling how fuckin butch he is to other hotfuckinmascbutch guys, right? but still, i can't just move on to the next profile, I wanna grab the guy by the throat and say: "if his purse fell out, why can't you just be a fuckin' gentleman and pick it up and hand it back to him, you fuckin loser asshole?"

i think i might have anger issues