sometimes I even answer my email

I hate excuses, but let's try a limp explanation. Do you ever feel like you have way too much to do, that no matter what you do, you are always getting behind? That as much as you might accomplish, even more stuff is piling up and not getting done? Well, that's me, and it's how I feel most of the time, for months and months now. And the funny thing is, there can be hours of me just sitting on the bed, fingering the remote, finding nothing on, and worrying and being anxious, stuffing food into my mouth, adding to my huge gut, having dreams and nightmares about work, and then barely getting out of the apartment in the morning, with this horrible sense of dread.

Anyhoo... just yesterday someone emailed asking if I had any pics of Clay Russell I hadn't yet posted. You know Clay, star of such films as The Boys of Venice, El Paso Wrecking Corp, Heatstroke, Snowballing, Six Card Stud, and of course Behind the Greek Door? Going on into the late 80's and well into the 90's doing various uniform and cop-themed videos such as Leather Daddy Clay, Police Stories, Soldier Bondage Boy, C.H.P. Locker Room, and the like. My personal favorite is probably the scene of Clay and Richard Locke in Joe Gage's awesome 1982 classic film, Heatstroke, where Locke gets it on with his ex-girl's new military boyfriend (Russell) - just classic!

.....crazed ramblings....

Calgon Ledermeister, Take Me Away

double ugh

godddamit! I woke up in the middle of the night, as I often do, but somehow fell back asleep with the peaceful knowledge that it was Friday night.... waking up a few hours later on Tuesday morning is a bad, bad sign for the day....

mornin'

aching bones and bulging

gut. Mornings are rough. I need more exercise in my life.

at the age of 47, he realized

.... sometimes BJORK, as good as she is, doesn't quite cut it - like here - immature - great tune, fantastic singing, just not quite the right mood

ahhhhh, Ms Faithfull - better - Ballad Of Lucy Jordan, or maybe even - Times Square

flavor saver

rerun alert

BEST VERSION EVER of My Funny Valentine.

was looking for this image, sent by a friend a few years back, but didn't realize it had been 6 years since I posted it! - who the F&*!'s been blogging that long??!

boots, or sneaker?

Appeared in only two films, both from 1979, both from COLT - The Love Tub and Service Entry. MMMMMM, Moose. mmmmmm, service entry.

The Bonus

Looks like I won't have to dig out that Colt video (buried in a box somewhere) to see if the below pic is Mr Gunther Keller - as the two pics above demonstrate, how can you mistake that handsome face for anyone else? Thanks to my buddy over at Gay Erotic Video Index for the pics!

Meanwhile, Mr Keller's co-star, Mike Davis, popped up in an old After Dark magazine I was looking at today. Actually, it was a stack of After Darks, which occupied most of my afternoon, just looking at the old ads, etc. I gotta remember to scan and post those two pages, as it gives some interesting background to Winn Strickland (Mike Davis's real name).

like a fish needs a bicycle

dunno if this lovely man is indeed Gunther Keller, and I suppose the only way of figuring it out would be to find, and view (and presumably share with y'all) his only porno film, COLT's The Bonus. The film has a complicated plot: two ranch hands, Mike Davis and Shadow are going at it when the foreman (Gunther) rides up, nearly catches them, and decides to really make his workers work for their pay by letting him join in. Did I lose you yet?

Tired but I ain't sleeping
Thinking about some sad affair

Ya know how a song's actual meaning may have little to do with what it means to you? I can't tell you what this song means, really - but, if you listen to it, you'll certainly get that it's a sad song. A buddy of mine turned me on to it some years ago, and it didn't take on any real meaning for me until some time later, when an uncle of his passed away. A very close uncle, in fact, and I knew it was hard for him. And for some reason I just went and found the song, and somehow felt my friend's sadness more, um, I guess just more. And that sort of thing always leads me to thinking about the times someone close to me has passed away, and all the scary thoughts that go along with it. like with my Dad, even today, I can still be mad at him for going way too early, and not taking care of himself, and...well, you get the idea... I even remember how, after coming back to NYC, and getting back into the mundane things in life, there were times when I would stop, in the middle of the sidewalk or street even, and have this barely controllable urge to just start screaming - "What is wrong with you people? How can you just pretend nothing is wrong and go an and..." But I'd never actually do it; never had the balls to do it. And sometimes I'd stop myself and realize I was angry at myself, for having the nerve to go on, and act like everything is OK.

And what do you do when you feel this overwhelming sense of loss, and it's not even your loss? It's almost, I dunno, insulting to get all at a loss for words, and despondent, and well, sad. but maybe it's what you gotta do, somehow your body helps you understand the pain someone else is going thru by reminding you of when it hurt so bad you wanted to scream but couldn't. Damn - I even remember at my dad's funeral, the goddamn priest, who never met my father, didn't have a clue, and was rambling on about some nonsense, and I wanted to stand up in church and say who the f*ck are you, you don't know what the f*ck you're talking about, shut the fu*ck up!, but didn't. Funny thing is, it's been 10, 12, fuck, I don't even know exactly how many years, but still, I still regret not telling that asshole to shut up. Ridiculous, right? He didn't say anything mean, or horribly inaccurate, I guess the anger had to go towards something, and why not towards the stoopid priest saying a few generic words of nonsense.

about a week later, I'm at work, and being the dick supervisor I was at this calling center, someone is goofing off, and I mildly reprimand him, and someone pulls me aside, and tells me the guy's upset cuz his mom's in the hospital. and while I didn't really do anything wrong, I just lost it. I just ran to some isolated place in the office, cried my eyes out for a few minutes, and just as I thought I was going to be OK, I started yelling at my father. Standing at the freight elevator, telling off my father - for leaving way too soon, not taking care of himself, leaving my mother all alone in the world, and I went on and on for a few minutes, then got my shit together, and went back to work. (Good thing about being a 4-eyes is our glasses easily hide when you've been crying) I walked back to where the interviewer was, and before he could look too defensive, told him sorry I snapped at you; I'm having a rough day. Just let me know if there's anything I can do for you. and walked away before he could say anything. But I think he got that I got it, and i at least felt a bit more human.

geez,funny the shit you think about at 4am when you can't sleep...

early and often

... vote; early, often, as Al Capone (or was it Mayor Daley) used to say..... 4 years ago, and probably every presidential primary season I can remember, the race was more or less decided by the time it got to NY (Mondale, Dukakis, Clinton, Clinton, Gore, Kerry), and who(m?)ever I voted for in the primary didn't have a chance to win (how many of those times did I vote for Jackson (Jesse, not Jeffy) or myself?). But this year, oddly enough, it isn't lesser of two evils - imagine that, voting for a serious contender for president, and not only is there a choice of ONE that's not evil, but two - good grief. Anyway, I shouldn't be awake, but sleeplessness, work anxiety, and whatever else, got me on the computer, looking at news reports, listening to music. I gotta tell you, I can be very cynical about politics, and can make a very good argument about how my vote doesn't count (which I firmly believe, but won't bore you with), but I am fascinated by it all. Sometimes the "game", and sometimes the ideas.... and listening to music, somehow my mind drifted to those stories you see/hear on the news about people in foreign countires waiting for hours to vote, walking hours to vote, dodging bullets, ferchrisakes, and all I have to do is walk about 2 blocks from here, have no I.D., just rely on my signature, and smile at the elderly ladies and eager young men staffing the place, and have a private moment in a public place, in a booth. A booth where I don't have to keep shoving quarters in (just wanted to see if you were paying attention)... sorry, hard for me to be too too serious... and I think about what other people, in my own country, and in others, have gone through just to be able to do this simple thing, and for a moment, it feels important, and I want to be part of it, the physical act of letting this steel machine in front of me know I am participating, as meaningless as it might feel later.... but now it feels like I'm part of my community, and I'm always glad I've done it.... did I mention I really should be sleeping.... how 'bout a tune? -

Sorrow Tears and Blood

Cold water in the face
Brings you back to this awful place

What do
She's A Bad Mama Jama ,
I Was Made For Loving You , and
Magnificent Seven have in common?

(ugh, Monday.)

I Don't Want to Go To Fat Camp

Sometime this morning, goofing around online, checking election polls, eBay auctions (not mine, jsut looking for cool porno pix), I get an email from jeffy alerting me to a very cool Matthew Herbert remix of Bjork's declare independence, which of course I loved and blasted at 10am, must to the dismay of neighbors, and was gonna post about it, then gotta distracted with other musical tidbits, namely listening to a compilation called Colette no. 5, which a pal from Kansas turned me on to, and then decided to post anorexic_robot, so I tried seeing if I could find any info on them, - Fat Truckers - and thought I saw they had a b-side track called I Don't Want to Go To Fat Camp, which I though could be even better, so I spent 1/2 the day searching for it, and then to my dismay, realized it was the I Don't Want to Go To Fat Camp remix of Anorexic Robot, and so i took this pic of my fat non-trucker gut and gave up.

on the upside, it was nice to have a leisurely Saturday where I could waste all that time and not feel like I wasn't being productive - f*ck productivity!

Dick Trask

One of my readers reports that the mystery man in the film below (Colt's Cooling It) was none other than the handsome DICK TRASK. Thanks, man! He also appeared in a few other COLT films, Oasis, Sweathogs, and Posing Strap, where he performs with Billy (shown above) - AKA Bill Eld, Big Bill Eld, Bill Young.