gonna be a fun weekend online

Baby boy45911240 [11:38 PM]: hi
bjland [11:44 PM]: hey
Baby boy45911240 [11:45 PM]: hi
Baby boy45911240 [11:45 PM]: asl
bjland [11:45 PM]: huh?
Baby boy45911240 [11:46 PM]: age sex place
Baby boy45911240 [11:48 PM]: 4 get it want to play truth or dare

Lil lplaya456 [6:36 PM]: hi
Bjland[6:37 PM]: hey, whats up?
Lil lplaya456 [6:37 PM]: asl
Lil lplaya456 [6:37 PM]: r u gay or straight
Bjland [6:37 PM]: who are you?
Lil lplaya456 [6:37 PM]: asl
Bjland [6:38 PM]: what does that mean?
Lil lplaya456 [6:38 PM]: bye

um, asl = american sign language? asshole? what? what??

4 time-warner/road runner guys in my apartment this afternoon.

you'd think I'd have some sort of HOT story to share, eh? Naw, it's the 7th visit in 6 weeks, and they still aren't sure why my connection goes out twice a day. staying in town this weekend, one possible hook-up with a guy who wants to see my porn collection ( I need to use that line more often); a couple of pals who will be in town as well, so may do something with them. And of course, PIGSTOCK, the post-Wigstock event this Sunday night at the Cock. Should be fun; those 3-day weekend Sunday nights seem to bring out the best in folks......

Bjork-worthy!

The nice thing about August, even in lower Manhattan, you can hear crickets chirping in the middle of the night. It's 3:30 am, the coffee I had with dinner is keeping me up, but not in that bad, agitated, way. Vespertine is playing, the crickets sound like they are part of the music, and I'm contemplating the evening. I dunno, I couldn't even do my "cynical" version well; it was a real nice evening. Sure, he won't ever become my husband, but I don't want to look at guys in terms of either husband material, or dismissable fuck-buddy status. I want to be more open-minded; I don't have a set of criteria that any potential friend, of whatever type, has to meet. Sure I talk about preferences (hairy guys, "natural" crotches, around my age, etc) but that's not set in stone. So, as the tunes play on the cheap CD player I have in my bedroom, and Frenchie's DNA is all over my torso, I find myself with a warm, pleasant feeling....

ok, you want the sex details? slurp slurp, squish squish; woah, not yet, i don't wanna just yet; ooooh, don't stop that; naw, go ahead, put both of them in there..... Seriously, we've done "it" twice before, and so nothing was a surprise, but it was more comfortable, yet intense; even more kissing and we took our time, stopping "at the edge" several times. But soon enough, contorted somewhere behind him, my face getting quite the aromatic rush of fresh sweaty hairyman, he didn't stop when I pleaded for him to, and within seconds he joined me, showering quite a bit all over me.... and then, we maneuvered over to the couch (we were somewhere on the floor near one of the mirrors at that "special" moment), and we layed together, talking, kissing lightly, him petting my chest, brushing my body hair with his soft, firm hands.....

Earlier, at dinner, sometime after he had explained a bit about his 2 relationships, and we were on to another topic, he looked at me and said "We haven't spent the night together yet". The implicatin quite clear, that he wants to, and expects to, at some time in the future. He has a gentle, warm manner, and I'm sure I'll get into that; it's been awhile for a sleepover, and he said he couldn't on a work night. He's away this weekend, so, I guess it'll happen sometime in September. His hands found their way under the table to my legs, gently carressing them as we talked about nothing.

So, I'm still keeping my options open, and yes, while he is quite Bjork-worthy, I hope to continue interviewing over the next couple of weeks..........

Bjork-worthy?

cynical version: so, the date called yesterday around 6:30 (let's call him Frenchie, its just easier than figuring out a fake name). He casually says "sorry about rushing you off the phone last night (Tuesday), but John and I were having an argument about me dating." hmmmm. I didn't ask (then, at least) and we arranged to meet at a place on Ave B for dinner. But I thought "nice way to slip that in, now at least I know you are involved" - so, not Bjork-worthy?....

So, at 8:30, I see him waiting in front of the restaurant, he had a cute, funnyish walk (in a good way) and he looked good. A few minutes into dinner, I ask something along the lines - "what's the deal with this "john" you mentiioned on the phone?" long story short, he's been seeing this guy pretty much the whole time he's lived in New York (2 years) but he doesn't consider him his boyfriend. Hmmmm, ok..... Then he clarifies - "When I was 23 I met someone, and we have been together since; but he still lives in Paris, and I wanted to take this opportunity here, in New York" So, he's got a 15-year relationship with the "boyfriend" and a 2-year relationship with "john", and here he is, on a date with me, our 3rd time together, but our first time having a meal, a "real date". So, okay, we have a meal, we blow each other, we say goodbye, right?

GET YOUR LAZY ASSES UP AND GET THIS ALBUM

Yahoo! review by 15 year old of Bjork's VESPERTINE - gosh, I wish I had a friend this cool when I was 15! oh yeah, and hit the "recommend" button, so the kid sees his numbers go up.......

well, I didn't sneeze once all day, didn't need to take the theraflu, and had the date, as scheduled. Even handsomer than I had remembered; a nice meal, and, well, a nice desert. While I don't see us getting hitched, I do feel we'll see each other again. Details later..........

Why am i getting a headcold? ugh! just in time to ruin a date I have for tonight (would've been only my 3rd date of 2001!) He's a frenchmen, nice and hairy, and we've actually had sex twice before. When I emailed him last week, just to say "hey", he emailed back right away, saying "Maybe we could have dinner in addition to sex? We did not meet on M4M4dinner, but what the hell..."? - sounded good to me, but while I think the TheraFlu might get me thru dinner, I might not be that fun when its time for the sex. I think he's one of those guys who goes out of town every weekend, so if I don't see him tonight, I'd probably have to wait a week, if not more....... grrrrr. And yes, he's a nice guy, very affectionate, and perhaps even Bjork-worthy.

The guy I met at the Cock Sunday, well, we spent a lot of time together that night, but, alas, outside, unlocking our bikes, he went on and on (and on and on....) about how while he felt he wanted to exchange numbers, he also didn't feel he wanted the "responsibility" of dating. But he didn't want to "just have sex". I just listened, looking at his handsome face, cute, edible butt, and that splot on my shirt that he "gave" me, thinking "um, I really ain't in the mood for talking someone into seeing me again, but I like your New Yawk accent, so keep talking, handsome....." He said something about preferring to leave it to chance if we see each other again (meaning: "if i see your mouth in the backroom again, I'll be sure to fuck it") but that he thought I was nice, hot, all that, so he feels a bit mixed up (and I'm thinking, "well, when your head and your big, thick, juicy cock figure it out, I'm in the white pages"). Now, I know I may seem a bit shallow, having already pictured him in that seat next to me at Radio City, based just on the fact that he's a fantastic kisser, has a great body, and a rather tasty set of fuzzy balls and quite a challenging appendage (and I LOVE a good challenge!).

But quite seriously, Bjork-worthyness really comes from whether they are affectionate; I eat that shit up. I miss it terribly; the morning kiss on the back of the neck as you get up to make coffee; the quick peck as he gets off the subway at his stop; the snuggle as you laugh at the Simpsons together; and feeling his heart beat as you rest your head on his chest, while his arm is around you, and you dose off once again............

Vespertine

it's not meant to be a strife
it's not meant to be a struggle uphill

u n d o

undo : if you're bleeding
undo : if you're sweating
undo : if you're crying

u n d o

the disc is playing on my p.c. It's more wonderful, somehow more fuller than the bootleg/internet versions I've been listening to; obviously they had some fun in making the album version a bit different than the pre-released one that's been on the internet for months..... It's an amazingly magical sounding album. It fills my heart with hope and joy, I can laugh and cry simultaneously. And i'm so excited to be going to the concerts in October at Radio City. Thursday night, my pals Mark and Phil (ex#1, the sweetest man I know), as well as Jeff, his boyfriend, and Noel will be there. (jeff just emailed that he and Noel met for lunch, went to Sounds to buy their copies, and saw me on my bike, headphones on, oblivious to their calls!) I have the extra ticket which could go to some new person (are YOU BJORK-WORTHY??), but I also have a good friend who is waiting in the wings. It makes me happy to be able to share them, and not be tempted to scalp, and make lots of dough - it promises to be a wonderful night. Friday night I go with another good friend, ex#2, Jim. It's amazing to me that somehow, I will be sharing this night with my favorite people in the world......

today

"We're like crystal, we break easy
I'm a poor man if you leave me
I'm applauded, then forgotten
It was summer, now it's autumn"

1:45 a.m. By the time New Order's 10 minute+ remix of Crystal was playing, my jockstrap was pulled down under my balls, both my hands were pushing at the back of his head, and my sweat was dripping off me and onto him. Patrick Cowley's 1982 megamix of I Feel Love found me squatting, inhaling his heavy, sweaty, fuzzy balls, so there was no need for poppers.

1:00 a.m. It was unusually dark in there. I spent 5 minutes, received several grab and runs, and I went back up front, parking under the huge speaker. Bored, I soon dove back in, but this time, the curtain must've parted, because there was enough light to recognize a handsome short muscular guy I've seen in the neighborhood. I followed him into a corner, he sat down, but I was too shy to make the first move. I guess he could tell I was interested, and his arms grabbed my hips, pulling me in. A little off balance, I fell forward, putting one hand against the wall, the other on the back of his head. He looked up, beautiful smile, and I tasted his full, sweaty goatee.

3:30 am, I'm standing in front of the freezer doors, looking at the Haagen Das, $1.99 sign, and the night has peaked again. So, after I grab 2, I go to the empty check-out line, standing under some powerful florescent lights. The guy on the cell phone comes over to ring me up; too busy talking, he doesn't seem to notice I've got this big wet spot on my undershirt, running down from the collar, just below the wet, matted chest hairs. I must've lost 5 pounds sweating in that backroom.

2 days until Vespertine goes on sale. And BJORK's website keeps getting cooler every day. The "splashpage" has a cool little Flash-enhanced thing going on. While I've been priviledged to have most of the new material on my hard drive, and have been listening to it constantly for over a month already, I can't wait to have the new disk in my hands. I also got my 2 pairs of tickets in the mail for Oct 4th, at Radio City (2 friends and me are slated, plus I have one "extra" for a "very special person" who has yet to materialize - auditions are being held in numerous locations throughout lower Manhattan).

I've already decided my scenario for my "perfect death" - (don't worry, i ain't going anywhere, but lots of folks imagine the music for their memorial service, or where they want their ashes strewn, that sort of thing, so....) anyway, I am on my bike, peddling as fast as my little hairy legs can take me, and my walkthing is playing Bjork's Unison (the last song on the new album). I am getting closer and closer to Gulfoss (remind me to share a pic of myself sitting near the amazing Falls), as the music reaches it's peak, and the final chorus repeats:

let's unite tonight
we shouldn't fight
embrace you tight
let's
ahhh...


and I give that last thrust on the pedals, and going flying into the golden falls, permanently becoming part of one of the most beautiful places on earth

you are getting sleepy,
very sleepy

I am your master

you will obey me

I'm super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
I couldn't be better I must say

I'm feeling super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you're
Don't you think I look cute in this hat

................. seriously, i had a really great day yesterday, with only one teeny thing going wrong (i had cafe con leche at around 9pm, and goddamn, I had the most restless sleep since, well, oh, Wednesday night). But, Ex #1 called, he had the day off, was heading up to MOMA, and asked if I wanted a quick bite to eat. At breakfast, I invited myself along, which he seemed pleased about, and we had a nice day checking out this German architect guy, plus some Picassos, Klimt, a bunch of canvases with cans of soup, etc.

Later, got a call from another pal, and we had a nice leisurely dinner at Bennie's, my favorite local Mexican restaurant (and the aforementioned cafe con leche, yum!). And finally, went to see a film with another pal, and damn, I hate bandwagon jumping, but shit! Hedwig is a fantastic film - just beautiful. Who knew all those queer bloggers could be right? Rather than give you my take on it (I'm still absorving it, actually) I can just tell you that I was just so impressed with everything about this film - character, direction, music, acting, camera angles, just everything! - the story was so interesting and so well-told. blah blah blah. anyway, it wasn't crowded, so see it soon before it goes to video (you have to see it in the theatre!)

i'm supposed to meet some stranger in Union Square in a few minutes, he promised me free porn movies! Gee, could this weekend get any better???

wow

several amazing emails in the past 24 hours. If I havent written you back yet, I will, and thanks!!

But since I've been ORDERED to get out of the house, i'm posting this thing below, then AMSCRA-ING !

SAVE OUR CHILDREN!

naw, don't worry, she's not back. But after posting the piece below, feeling sorry for myself, and unable to sleep, I picked up this old (Dec 1977) Alternate magazine I had just gotten from eBay. I bought it because it had a picture of Fred Halsted on the cover, and promised an article on Sam and Joe Gage. That article was only 2 pages, but quite good. But it had this great pic of Ms Bryant all pie-faced, several articles on the whole pie-throwing thing, and some other cool stuff (Harvey Milk gets elected, music reviews giving Talking Heads 77, Rocket to Russia, and Never Mind the Bullocks 4 stars or more and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack 1 star! HOW COOL IS THAT?)

anyway, seeing that pie in her face, reminding me that at age 16, having just come out to one person, and seeing this bit of hope, these cool fags doing "nonviolent" protest........... ahhhh... anyway, if you want to see the actual 1 minute video, go here, or if you want to read more thoughts about her, (or at least see the old "anita bryant sucks oranges" pin!) go here.

yeah! imagination Christmas!

ok, so you know it aint so bad when you can answer the phone saying Stupid Sexy Flanders and one of your best friends laughs uncontrollably cuz he's watching the same rerun. (sorry, couldn't find pic of Flanders in skisuit - "It's like wearing nothing at all!")

the last one

5am, and I can't sleep. While I know it's the coffee I reheated at midnight, I can't stop thinking about the last boyfriend, the one who dumped me 2 years ago, on Gay Pride Day, with barely any warning, and no explanation. And, except for a phone conversation, and one feeble attempt a few days later of getting some sort of explanation, I hadn't seen or heard from him in 2 years, until the end of June this year. Now he's always hanging out at one of my local bars, and it's really getting annoying.

I suppose I still have those secret hopes of him coming to his senses, and he begs for me to come back to him; I mean, he's beautiful, and I haven't had any sort of decent relationship since we were together, so I guess it's natural. But I'm finding myself getting all angry at him, and at me, all over again. I mean, I've made myself completely unattractive to anyone. I don't shave, clean my apartment, or even consider looking for a job. I have nothing of any interest to say to anyone (the porno obsession is just not that fascinating to any of my pals). I haven't spoken to anyone in my family in months, I just sit here, glued to this machine, waiting for Mr Right to pop out of my monitor?

Pitiful. And I think of something he said when I did finally speak to him a few weeks (months? I have no sense of time anymore) back. He said our problem was that we weren't trying to make each other, or the relationship, any better. Interesting. This is from the guy who anytime we had a serious discussion of any type would say "are we done yet" "are we done yet" like a small child in the back of the car saying "are we there yet, are we there yet". The same guy who broke up with me twice before only days after we had serious discussions about "us". And me, the guy who offered him money when he was really really stressed out and needed a vacation; Me, the guy who offered my spare room when he couldn't find an apartment to his liking but his old lease was up; Me, the guy who stood out if front of his apartment at midnight yelling up to the window, calling from a payphone, banging on the door, waking up the neighbors, getting the police and the super to let me into his apartment because we had just talked on the phone, and he asked me to come from the lower east side to Queens so he could see me, and now there was no answer - he was passed out on the couch! Drunk, stoned, who knows, but scared the fuckin' shit out of me, and I looked like a fool, and I cried when I realized he was okay, and how scared I was to think something horrible had happened to him............ Me, the guy who when he was telling me it was over that final time, I tried to console him, tried to help him understand it, make sure it was the best decision for him........ until it hit me, and I realized he didn't want or need me for that, and there was no one to do that for me, and I yelled, and made him take his clothes that were in various drawers in my place, especially the $160.00 Prada t-shirt I bought him for Christmas because I knew it would drive me crazy to have it in my house, and yes, I wanted him to wear it and feel guilty and miss me.....

So who is this we that didn't try? This is where my Dad would say something like: "We?" "What's all this ' we ' stuff, Paleface?"


I'm a mess, and it's his fault for making me this way......... and it's my fault for staying this way for so long............

how long does it take before you can let go, before you can move on, and actually want, desire, something better than feeling sorry for yourself............?

I'm not gay, but my ass is

I know, I know - it's really lame to use those Yahoo "Top terms visitors used to find your page in a search", but it's not often I'm ON TOP of a Google search page , so I couldn't pass up "i will let any stranger cum in my gay ass"