That's Mister John to you

Finally developed my Gay Pride pics - not a lot here, but a few good photos that I hope to post soon.

Someone please let me know when American Midol is over for the season so I can go back to the like dozen or so bloggers that I used to ready regularly but stopped since they seem to have nothing to say except commenting on that damn show. Thanks in advance.

Another AOL member ignoring my desperate pleas for attention....

One Year Ago Today...

GENEROUS PALMSTROKE

I've mentioned this several times in the past, so briefly - Last fall I was lucky enough to win a pair of tickets to one of Bjork's "secret shows" at Riverside Chapel here in NYC with about 100 other people. Of course every song was fantastic, but this one we hadn't heard yet, and it was amazingly dramatic in that small venue, with Zeena Parkins's powerful accompaniment to Bjork's incredible singing. I'll try to remember to put up an mp3 of the studio recording that was the b-side on Hidden Place here in the States, and I believe Generous Palmstroke was actually included on the British version of Vespertine. I find much comfort in her lovesongs, seemingly simple, amazingly complex.

so needy of comfort
but too raw to be embraced
undo this privacy
and put me in my place

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

generous palmstroke
the hugest of hugs
undo this privacy
embrace

embrace me

embrace me

embrace me

One year ago today.... Bjork on TV - Pagan Poetry Live

I think I need to change some of my habits - my attempts at finding "dates" of various sorts is just irritating, humiliating, and downright nonproductive. I don't know of the "right" way to do it, but certainly the on-line attempts don't work for me. Getting a feel for whether I want an actual date (as opposed to a mere sex hookup) is nearly impossible for me. I rarely get any sense of who a person is from a profile, a few emails or a few minutes or even longer of Instant Messaging. Actually, while I know I'm not so great in expressing myself in the written form, I am usually very turned-off by most personal profiles that I read. I joke about the "UB2's," guys who describe themselves in detail and then require you to be just like them. I mean, if it was something like "good self-esteem with a healthy dose of modesty; enjoy turning my partner on, and making him smile out of bed as well; affectionate; opinionated but trying hard not to be judgmental kinda guy - UB2" - well, then, maybe. But maybe not - ugh, why the UB2 part - don't you want someone who is different from yourself? I suppose if you were talking about shared values, rather than physical characteristics, or personality traits, then that makes sense to me. Last night, after a rather nonproductive late night of searching outside of this apartment, I came home to an email via one of the free on-line dating services:

"Hey there I like your look man. Do you like masculine, affectionate, down to earth Black men ?? Take a look not only at my photos, but read my profile, let me know if there is any intrest."

I have to admit pausing at the word "masculine" - another of my pet peeves - I just assume that if you need to use it to describe yourself or your desired mate, then you have "issues" with masculinity, and I won't fit the bill or be compatible with you. But, on the other hand, folks often just use the words they see around, and I need to not get too hung up on one word, perhaps a genuinely harmless one. So I clicked on the link and checked out his on-line profile, which was neither good nor bad (well, he does go on a bit about oral hygiene). but of course, ended in the dreaded Hiv Neg U B 2 please.

Gosh, I have never, EVER been asked that in person from a potential date. And I don't know if it's merely a matter of it's really that important to guys, but in person it's too scary to ask, or too embarrassing or difficult to deal with the answer/consequence - and the online thing gives you that ability to ask and "require" the stuff you can't bring yourself to ask about in person - and therefore, if "not a match" as they say, you can simply type those words at the other guy, or ignore their instant messages, or log off, or whatever other mature methods of dealing with a rather serious and personal issue that is. I've mentioned this "pet peeve" of mine in the past, and have had it misinterpreted, apparently, judging by a few emails I've gotten. Perhaps its my age, and I don't mean merely how old I am, but more that I've been having sex for over 20 years, have been doing my best to have "safer sex" for most of those years, and I guess I just ASS-ume we all do that. But it's as if I am in a time-warp, where I am acting like it's 1987, where we don't know anyone's HIV status, and you act accordingly. And because we didn't know, we "risked" falling in love with someone who may well be poz, and could get sick, and yes, could die, or infect us. And not everyone dealt with those scary thoughts well. And then it got even scarier - now we can take a test, and require others to take it, and reveal the results to us, and decide who to avoid. Maybe I'm crazy, but my own little ridiculous method of calculating my odds at finding a good partner have meant that after I have eliminated anyone under the age of 35, and various other silly factors, there ain't that many left in the potential pool. If I start to calculate out anyone who might make life difficult, those with substance abuse problems, who smoke cigarettes, who have or may get a disease, who ride bikes on busy New York streets amongst the most dangerous cabdrivers in this county, who eat at McDonalds and have a few extra pounds.... well, maybe I'll be safe, but I'm afraid I will be very, very lonely. Life can be very difficult, and scarey, and I want to find a grown-up who understands that, and despite all my numerous flaws, and all the potential difficulties ahead of us, knows in his heart that life with me is a helluva lot better than life without me - that's what I hope to give, as well.

And I've had a handful of dating offers because of this blog I started so many months ago, and while quite complimented at some of the nice things a few guys have said, in all honesty, I have a hard time with the idea of being at this huge "disadvantage" before even meeting - I know very little about someone, and they may have read months and months of my thoughts and views on various, mostly personal, things. They've seen a bunch of pics, and if I say so myself without much modesty, some good pics, at that (I shed the modesty as the photographer, not the model)! Obviously, I only publish the good ones, and believe me I have drawers and hard drive file folders full of some pretty awful stuff - and another thing, I really don't just hang around the house all day in a leather cockring and jockstrap! I am almost always in boxers, and put off as long as humanly possible the trip into the shower, just lingering around here sipping coffee and scratching my ass. But seriously, it's not so much that someone may have lots of info about me, but its more complicated than that. They have a certain skewed view, one based on my ability to write, and perhaps embellish, and then their own world view interpreting that. And much more importantly, it's not a dialogue, it's not in person, where I am actually participating, and we are getting to know each other. And people misread things all the time. Friends of mine have thought I had sex 6 times in one week, cuz they didn't read closely enough to see one entry was a dream, another a remembrance, and the others all part of the same actual act adding up to one sex date in that week they thought I had 6!

I guess this is where the rambling part of the BLOG TITLE comes from - I am going nowhere with this train of thought, but am merely frustrated in my desire to find a companion, and frustrated with myself and my inertia about changing habits that might at least give me better odds at finding someone who's values I share, who's pillow I caress, who's stomach I rest my head on and giggle about the gurgles from our dinner that I made for us right here, in my home. I realize this is common, and we all have times when we feel isolated, and that there is no one out there like me, and no one out there who will like me, and dare I say it, LOVE me....

He's cute, he's begging for it, and he has TRIPOD pop-up ads - go ahead, click it.

At this time of day, I usually do as I am told - I suggest you do the same.

Well, maybe I exagerate ( I don't spell corecttly, but I exagerrate) - if it requires I stay put on my ass drinking more coffee while posting something without having to think much, I am open - I think this guy may have started it, having a head start on us Ahmericans North Americans and all....

sometimes it's fun just to watch the instant messengers have conversations all by themselves......

E NYC3 [2:58 AM]: hi.. 27m the village looking to party and play
E NYC3 [2:58 AM]: trade pics?
E NYC3 [2:59 AM]: oh.. see urs

gosh, and i didnt even get to see his.........

oh wait, there's more!

E NYC3 [3:01 AM]: ur cute.. u want a 27 playmate?
Bjland7820 [3:02 AM]: hmmmm, the looking for women part of your profile is a bit confusing - i'm just a gay-acting man
E NYC3 [3:02 AM]: tha'ts ok.. i'm bi
E NYC3 [3:02 AM]: looking for fun tonight
E NYC3 [3:03 AM]: u hiv neg?

gosh, I'm all a-flutter, he seems just soooooo perfect for me!

It was raining lightly as I rode home, swerving around the (other) drunks out on the street as all the bars were locking their doors and pulling down their gates. Water splattering my back as the bike wheels moved me towards home, I took my time, enjoying the cool air, and the sight of folks semi-hurrying thru the rain. I didn't get out until after 1:30, changing from work, hoping the Bronx Zoo baseball cap would be enough to protect me from the rain. The Cock was super-crowded, as expected on a holiday Sunday night. The backroom too overcrowded and too dark. When the lights are almost completely out, folks act stupider and ruder - pushing, stomping, and surprisingly little actual sex going on.

The boys sipping cocktails thru tiny straws as they hold their drinks close to their face, loudly whispering to buddies "I can't believe we're back here, oh my god! what are they doing there!?"; those guys on the other end of the spectrum dropping to their knees even if there isn't room for that, furiously grabbing every crotch that pushes by, figuring eventually one will stay and they can slobber for awhile. One pairing would've been funny if it wasn't so annoying - 2 tall guys, one trying to sound sexy and urging his partner in short, clipped sentences to do "it" - "Good boy, go down" "Yeah, you know you want it" "show off for me, man" - Meanwhile, the other guy was screaching "Why am I back here???!! ohmygod! I am too nervous" and getting whinier and more pitiful "I just don't think I can do that here!! What if someone i know sees me??!" but his partner was persisitent "Relax, take my cock, you'll feel better" "C'mon, you know you want to" "ARRGGHH, what should I do, everyone's pushing" and the whining just wouldn't stop as I slowly moved to another dark dank corner.

Here a decent looking guy had propped himself up, leaning against the wall, standing on one of the couches, pants pulled down below his balls, stroking his fat cock. Several guys, including myself, tried touching, grabbing, but he pushed each away with a rather annoyed shove. Loser. Just past him was someone I recognized, a rather uptight young man who I've met only once - but kneeling down, one cock in his mouth and 2 others waving around his head, with the addition of one of the few lights shining down on him, it was nice to see he can loosen up when called upon to do so. It was incredibly hot and sweaty, my clothes drenched just from standing there, glasses fogging up. Later, near the speakers in the "main room" one guy I've always thought was handsome, who I sucked off many years ago in the backroom at Wonder Bar, walked by. I grinned, he grabbed my crotch as he moved past me, I found my hand on his hard stomach, both of us still slowly moving in opposite directions, eventually only our hands were touching each other, fingers latched for a moment, then he was gone, absorbed by the mob.

So, tired, doing some last minute cleaning up preparing for the roommate move-in, and trying to remember details about last night. Oh, and time for more free stuff - I'll have to respond to your email requests on Monday.

Let's see, handsome tattooed man dancing; pal pushing lady in wheelchair at 4 a.m. as she screamed "you're pushing me into the street, help!" (he wasn't, but it did look like he was) after she asked for help from us; email from handsome guy around midnight saying he, gulp, "enjoyed" the haircut video...... more coffee, more later, perhaps.

I don't like going out on the weekend, but I had been in most of the day, I have to work tomorrow, and Saturday night going out is worse. So, after midnight, a quick ride out into the mayhem of the East Village, up to the Phoenix. Crowded, not too awful, made my way to the bar, beer, walk over to pool table and look around. No one I know, as I would've assumed, make my way to the jukebox's glaring neon light and lean off to the side. Half-way through the beer, the ex comes walking thru the crowd, we see each other, smile, no kiss, but light arm-touch hello. Chitchat chitchat nothing, he goes to bathroom, I try not to think about how damn good he looks. When he comes back, he says something like "well, have fun" implying he's leaving, but I see he just goes around to the side of the bar, talking to someone I can't see. Well, I was leaving after this beer anyway, and staying and wondering who he's with, me alone and grumpy before i even got here or saw him, it was best to leave.

3 years. 3 years and I've only ever seen or talked to him in that bar. Funny, early on, I would avoid most of the neighborhood bars on the weekends, knowing I didn't want to merely bump into him, and deal with all that awkwardness of having stuff to say, but wrong place to say it. Earlier today, I was realizing that I don't even spend much time with friends, let alone potential boyfriends, here in my home. I miss that. I miss being here where it's comfy, and nice, and I can make food, and play music, and laugh and share with people I like. Where did that go? I few months back I had a glimpse of that with someone, and when I got too into it, it was over before it really started. Sometimes that makes me very sad. Sometimes I look back at it and think "hey, you still got it in you, just be patient" - just be really fucking goddamn patient.

trying to put together another batch of "FREE STUFF" - some duped porno tapes to give away** (you pay shipping) - figure some of you might not be getting away for the weekend, and why not come back here later (Sat morning) and see what I've got.

Much on my mind, nothing to say. Please enjoy some random internet cock while I contemplate what I will do with my day off. And enjoy your Holiday weekend, y'all.

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Well, I didn't ask for feedback on the vidclip, so I should be happy that the one solitary comment was good, eh? Think I'll go back to the free stuff giveaway this weekend to get the much-needed attention from strangers. Meanwhile, not being able to sleep at 5 a.m., the rain gently hitting the window panes, thinking about that moment in the William Hurt film I was watching only an hour or two ago where he looks up at Holly Hunter with this certain expression of love, or awe, or affection, and it hit me hard, somehow. Was reminiscent of this look on my boyfriend's face over 3 years ago, when he asked me to take off my glasses as I was lying in this very bed and to just stay there so he could gaze at me in my boxers. He had been away for several days, a family funeral, and he just wanted to look at me, and somehow I felt so beautiful for those long minutes as he just slowly looked at my body, his eyes full of some emotion he had never expressed until that moment, and never actually said aloud. I was overwhelmed, quite frankly, and while normally quite nervous or apprehensive at such a moment, I allowed him the chance to look, and have his own thoughts, without interruption, or question, and after awhile he moved from the foot of the bed, and his warm body joined mine, and I hadn't ever thought our love-making could ever be that good, but it was.

Little did I know that that was the "peak", that while he seemed to be getting closer, in fact he was moving away from me, and I'll never know if the closeness scared him, the vulnerability of needing me, or the realization that my feelings for him were so intense and perhaps he knew his own would never match mine. Only 2 or 3 weeks passed before he was suddenly gone from my life, his decision made, one he felt no need to explain, just that it wasn't working for him, and that was that. The greif I felt seemed almost as immense as when my father died, this sudden and unexplained loss that I tried to minimize by thinking that at least it was only my loss, that he was still around to pursue whatever it was he needed to pursue. Even today I could name a million reasons why he would never make a good partner for me, and even today, I am saddened by the realization that I may never want to be a part of someone's life so much as I did back then, despite all those reasons. I have no idea why I fell for him; certainly he was very good-looking, and I looked forward to sleeping with him - but I mean sleeping, the comfort I felt from his snoring, his arm firmly wrapped around my shoulder as my head was pressed into his chest; the faint aroma in my sheets after he left for work, and I spent an hour or two drifting back into sleep; watching something on the Discovery Channel together after I brought Thai food by cab from Manhattan over the 59th St bridge to his apartment; watching his head nod back and forth approvingly when I blasted my Garbage CD single remixes; him telling me a week before the break-up that he felt like a lemur, clinging to me, and me not knowing that he thought that was a bad thing; going to the Bronx Zoo with his sisters and he only 4 days before he broke it off, thinking this was a good sign, I was meeting the family; me crying uncontrollably to my brother that day on the phone, the day that nothing else mattered, that the whole world came crashing in......

and the rain continues outside, my life drifts, I am re-arranging my apartment back to what it looked like 3 years ago, when i had a roommate, and a job, and a boyfriend, and the bed is back in this room, in that spot where I would wake up, and make coffee, and bring it to his barely-awake but smiling face, and nothing else mattered to me but that smile.

No, I'm not a Porno King, I just play one on the internet

I used to get mail like this every couple of weeks, or months, but this week, one each day?

Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 8:08:27 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Michael B**** B****0@yahoo.com
To: bjland7820@aol.com
hi,
my dream in life is to be a porn-cameraman. can you help?
Mike

Subj: ??????
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 4:01:26 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Lovedancing*****
To: Bjland7820
I am a very clean, HIV Negative male from Dallas, Texas. Someone is always telling me that I am very sexy, handsome and the noticeable cute. The adult film industry was brought to my attention about 1 year ago and it has crossed my mind endlessly. I would like to be in an adult gay porno. I am very very interested, you have no idea.
This answer took a lot of thinking about, seriously. I would really like to know who is it I can speak with about such an endeavor. I am sooooooo serious.
If you can give me some names and numbers of some companies who are looking for new hot men I would be greatly appreciative. I don't know where to start so I thought about asking you.
Yours truly,
Exposed Heart

Subj:
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 12:34:49 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Y*** F*****
To: Bjland7820
i'm interested in becoming a porno actor but don't know how to get started or whom to talk to. 20 yr old male from white plains ny.

HAIRCUT 001

Let's see if I can do this quickly, a bit of background as the video loads. Way way back at the beginning of this century, I was growing tired of my job (disgusted with my bosses, to be somewhat more exact). I started to sell off part of my dinnerware and pottery collection on eBay as a way of stuffing my savings account so I could quit my job and spend a few months screwing around, thinking about life, my life, and "what's next". I discovered the underwear selling phenomenon, and thought, "shit, I could do better" - obviously not that I would have a better body than most of the guys, but that I could maybe take some more interesting photographs, and yes, the hairyguy thing seemed to be rare on eBay (as elsewhere). After I seemed to get some good responses, not lots of money, but some extra cash and some folks who seemed to like my style, I tried variations, like the beard-selling I've mentioned, a bar of soap (something original titled "DON'T DROP THE SOAP"), a pillow case, lots more underwear, and even a small photo album perfect for bedside or glove-compartment. And I started to get requests for a video. Which I would never ever ever do, no way. But I always say no as a gut reaction to anything new; but I started thinking, hmmmmmm, might be fun, and I might learn some stuff.

First video cleverly titled BJ'S FIRST VIDEO actually sold about 15-20 copies on eBay in the summer of 2000. But I wasn't too happy with it, a simple jerk-off in a chair, some showering, and the rather awkward attempt to conceal my face just wasn't very good, in my mind. So I immediately started on my second, BJ DOES IT AGAIN. Which, in all modesty, 2 years later, I still think is pretty good. A rather vague and laughable "plot" implying some sort of voyeur poking around my fire escape, watching me in the shower, in bed, etc., finally breaking in, stealing my vintage porn collection, holding it ransom until I do a "hot personal video" for him. Of course, there's a few Bjork tunes, and some VCR background with some classic Joe Gage footage, and I thought it was kinda neat. Obviously, for the buyer, you'd have to want to see me whacking several times (6, 7?) over the course of 90 minutes, and hope the other stuff (filler) wasn't too boring (but i will tell you the last 15 minutes is fun, and hot - hehe - there, I said it!). I managed to sell well over 50 copies (yes I have a notebook somewhere with the exact count), and the guys who wrote gave varying levels of praise (the others, silent for various reasons - certainly some didn't care for it). While I was working on that, a few guys asked for watersports, or just watching me pee, which wasn't my thing, but I was intrigued by the idea (how the hell do I make a solo pee look interesting??) And I put a 2-minute teaser in Does It Again. Fall of 2000, as eBay was preparing to really crack down on the adult section (less pics, no underwear, no amatuer videos) I quickly put together my 3rd (and final?) video, BJ GETS WET. It was more than peeing, but some shower stuff, bathtub, and I think it was rather amusing ( like I actually pissed on a tiny TV playing a clip of the shower scene from Does It Again, for example).

I'm sure you are already asleep, but the vid clip has probably loaded. For those of you still reading, or reading this 2 days after posted and the clip is already gone, let me continue. I've got a ton of footage for what was supposed to be my fourth video, UNDERWEAR STORIES, which wasn't much more than the same whacking off, but in various kinds of underwear. But somehow, with all the footage, it just never jelled for me, never seemed to come together as anything cohesive. Probably seems stupid to outsiders, or to the handful still interested in seeing me on tape thumping on my wanger, but, in all honesty, the primary reason for doing any of it was for my own satisfaction - not merely the "high" of having strange men buy, and enjoy, and whack off along (which is, frankly, quite a high!), but it had to interest me, dare I say it, "artistically."

So, that's the really really long way of saying that this clip is part of what was supposed to be the fourth tape in the BJ series. I wanted to see if I could capture on camera me cutting my hair, in the time it took to play one single song, and without any ability to edit, it had to be one take. I set up some mirrors (visitors to BJLAND have often wondered why I've got so many mirrors around, it's all for ART, goddamnit!), the camera, a video monitor, the clippers, the stereo, did a couple quick checks for lighting, etc, and TA DA!! - BJ'S HAIRCUT.

p.s. - really, the clip is silly, rather boring, and you mostly just see my hairy back, and maybe a quick bit of frontal nudity, so lower those expectations..........

I think this is what's called a "teaser". I am trying to convert a HI-8 video clip to AVI then to WMV, and it's just some silly shit; I think it's my first time giving myself a haircut. So, between working on that, negotiating for sex later with an out-of-towner (and that's just getting too complicated, he has meetings, drinks with clients, ugh), and trying to meet up with a buddy to exchange some porno tapes I promised him maybe 2 long months ago, it's looking like a busy day off.

But, when I think back that only one week ago, I needed a job and a roommate, and now I have both, things are going pretty well for me. Both situations don't quite add up to fill in the money gap, but it's certainly a lot better than where I was at, so let me hit the showers, and get that video clip up sometime later this afternoon. (Well, you know me, this afternoon, this evening, 3 am., something like that)

ok. looks like despite my good fortune for the past week, I feel like starting my day off a bit cranky. So, which is tackier - downloading over 200mb's of music files from someone's site, or posting the I.P. address (194.237.142.30) and asking your nerdier readers to figure out who the guy/gal is who didn't even say "thanks for keeping your music directory open, love all those tunes I nabbed"?????

it's not meant to be a strife
it's not meant to be a struggle uphill

you're trying too hard
surrender
give yourself in
you're trying too hard :
y o u ' r e t r y i n g t o o h a r d

Undo

during one of the recent insomniacal nights, I found this apparently live version of Undo which is quite fantastic - very high quality recording, and the choir is, well, forgive the overused term - angelic. It's definately a Bjork day today.