bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Monday, May 26, 2008
Listen, the Loon Sings

I am not a morning person. But I do find myself waking up earlier on days off than work days, and sitting here with some freshlybrewed coffee, listening to the birds. Sometimes I wish I knew more about them, and could tell which species I am hearing, but sometimes it is nice to be just clueless, and only think of which individual little tweeter is trying to communicate to some buddy of his....

in other, more serious news.... riding home last night, after saying goodnight to a buddy who was nice enough to listen to me about my troubles, I reflected on my assignment. I know, I know, i am supposed to be 'moving on' and letting myself feel the loss, and get emotional, and stop, at least for now, intellectualizing this loss (for you non-reading-between-the-lines types, i am recently ......... if you knew how long its taking to type this next word...... single) anyhoo - the assignment is to let myself really feel it, and just let it out, and riding on the bike, late at night, i figured perfect - i can wail, and sob, and scream, and I tried, goddamnit i tried (and startled a few drunkards) but i started humming, something familiar and godawful and then i started to sing a phrase or two from the song, and being rather disappointed in myself - therapy aint cheap, and my insurance doesnt cover it, and goddammit i'm supposed to be crying and yet i am singing a goddamn paul mcCartney song of all f*kin songs, and i never really get the lyrics right, but still, (OK, it's a beatles song, so its not that bad, right?), and i can cry all day but I cant let it go.....la la la la I've loved you, la la I love you still, Will I wait a lonely lifetime, If you want me to - - i will.