Tuesday, September 30, 2003

the intensity of the FAG thing
I got home last night, checked emails, auctions, and GoogleNews. I did my matthew limon newssearch, and saw something about Kansas Atty. Gen. Phill Kline appearing on O'Reilly Factor. Alas, I had missed it, but checked the cable box and saw it was repeated at 4 in the morning. I knew I couldn't stay up that late, and got to work on finally figuring out how to hook up my vcr to my tv/vcr combo (with broken vcr) to record it. The O'Reilly site mentioned nothing about Kline, but I figured I'd rather be safe than sorry, and since I couldn't figure out the timer, I taped about 6 hours of Fox "News."

Fast-forwarding thru it this morning, I saw nothing about Kline or Limon, but there was a segment on bullying. Is 'irony' the right word for O'Reilly doing a segment on bullying? He had a guest from Traditional Values Coalition (blah blah blah, i'm not gonna link, nor explain their rationale for how discussing gay bullying in the schools = gay recruitment). I did find it funny (not haha funny) to hear O'Reilly tell this guest that she was wrong equating bullying fat kids with bullying of gay, or perceived-to-be-gay, kids, that the "intensity of the FAG thing" (he seemed to relish being able to say 'fag' - FAAAGG), was devistatiing to kids. "I was a teacher, I know it to be true; I saw it with my own eyes" he told her in response to her claim that even he was buying into the gay's false claims. Of course, unanswered is what, if anything, did he actually DO when he witnessed this bullying; and later, with some gay advocate, he kept harping on how one cannot, and should not, mention sexuality at all when countering this. It was quite frustrating, of course, and just another exercise in O'Reilly showing his superiority over his guests.

Now another Kansas news source says Kline will be on tonight (O'Reilly's site doesn't mention this). I'm guessing that Kline himself, or someone in his office, is making the calls to all the local newspapers and TV stations, telling them how he's going on national TV to defend the State of Kansas from the HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA. This good account/analysis of Kline's news conference on the Limon case about 2 weeks back is well worth your time.

Monday, September 29, 2003

Anthem008 [3:04 PM]: Hey Man
Bjland [3:05 PM]: hey
Anthem008 [3:06 PM]: Working in Midtown, 44
Anthem008 [3:07 PM]: 5' 9" 140, brown Green
Bjland [3:07 PM]: lower east side here
Anthem008 [3:08 PM]: Average looking guy, likw you. Head not shaved
Anthem008 [3:08 PM]: Masculine, like other masculine
Bjland [3:08 PM]: not sure what you are saying there...
Anthem008 [3:09 PM]: Not one of tose damm little faggot pretty boys who say things like ewwww look at what she's wearing
Bjland [3:10 PM]: oh

Well, I don't want to be the type who psychoanalyzes folks based on a few lines in an online looking-for-sex chat, but I think it's a safe bet that this guy has "issues." Anger management issues, masculinity issues, homophobia, or maybe just going too long without a good sloppy blow job. Of course, my issues are that he's in MIDTOWN ferchrissakes, and his profile states a preference for married men. EWWWWWW!

SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:37 PM]: hi
Bjland[2:41 PM]: hey man
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:42 PM]: how are u
Bjland [2:42 PM]: doing good, and you?
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:42 PM]: horny
Bjland [2:42 PM]: ah
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:42 PM]: im chris
Bjland [2:43 PM]: hey chris
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:43 PM]: im 18 is that ok
Bjland[2:43 PM]: ouch!
Bjland [2:43 PM]: its ok, but its very very very young
Bjland [2:43 PM]: if you're looking for hook-up, it wouldnt be me
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:44 PM]: why
Bjland [2:44 PM]: like guys closer to my age
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:44 PM]: could we be friends
Bjland [2:45 PM]: well, i wouldnt rule that out - but you said you were horny, so that sounds like something else
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:45 PM]: we could be sex friends
Bjland [2:46 PM]: i dont know what that means
SK8ERRAIN 211 [2:46 PM]: we friends who have sex with each other
Bjland[2:47 PM]: well, since i already said i wasnt interested in sex with you, it sounds like you wouldnt be such a good friend

Sunday, September 28, 2003

"Man, you are all over the place!"

I occasionally actually buy music; and the other day, as I placed my selections on the counter, the heavily tattooed guy apparently was quite amused by my selections. Ringing them up, he smiled and said "Your tree has many branches."

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Friday, September 26, 2003


"Dear Daddy, my name is Brad. I got to school at NYU. I'm 20 years old, horny, and I need a Daddy!"

directed by: Arthur J. Bressan, Jr. (1984)

Starring: this scene - Dean Johnson and Robert Vega; plus Richard Locke, Daniel Holt, Johnny Dawes, Andrew Dupree, and Jan Boscamp.

One of those film-within-a-film pornos that I love so much. This one is about porno filmmaker, Daniel Holt (obviously mirroring the real life director, Artie Bressan), making a porno called Fuck Me, Fuck Me Daddy. The film-within-a-film stars Dean Johnson (at the time a doorman at NYC's Boy Bar) as an NYU student who answers a personal ad for a daddy (portrayed by Richard Locke). Daddy Dearest explores the director's past relationships, and his fantasy that one day, one of the young stars of his films will be interested in him and stay after the porno film is completed.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

coming out, again (and again)
Last Sunday, while doing next to nothing at work, I noticed the cook looking past me, out the window. I quickly saw that he was gazing at a woman clear across the street. Seeing me seeing this, he said, "You like?" I simply said "naw." He replied with "You don't like ladies, why not?" "Oh, you know, just different" was my response. You see, while we get along just fine, his English is fairly basic restaurant-related stuff, and of course my Spanish is about 3 words: alado, cerveza, and, um, cerveza. So we never have lengthy or in-depth conversations. Anyway, after this exchange, I remarked to one of the waitresses, "I think I just came out to the cook." She asked what I meant, and laughed after I told her what has just transpired, and said, "I dunno". I mentioned that he sometimes calls me "sweetie" (an "in" joke at the restaurant) when my meals are ready, so I figured he, and eveyone else knew already. She said "just different" is just too subtle, especially for someone his age (he's at least several years older than me, which is ancient compared to most of my co-workers) and also said that the way I will be able to tell if he now "gets it" is if he stops calling me "sweetie."

Then I sat down, playing free cell on the computer, and started to get sorta sad. That would suck if he stopped calling me sweetie. It sounds silly, I guess. The first couple of times he did it, I thought it was a kinda ribbing about me being gay, but he's such a nice guy, that I figured even if that's true, that he didn't mean it in a mean way, but a familiar, 'we can laugh together' way. But now it makes me think that it would be a shame if knowing I'm gay would then make him less playful, less OK with automatically saying something which is, actually, rather sweet. (sigh)

Later, one of the young downstairs kitchen guys came up into the take-out side, and was talking to me and the delivery guy. Silly talk about tequila, weed, nonsense like that. The delivery guy left to do a delivery, and the two of us continued to talk. Then I noticed he had a video cassette in his hands, and I gestured for it. He handed it to me, and I saw the label: Barely Legal Latinas. I laughed and handed it back, he laughed and said, "You like?" I simply said "naw", to which he responded, "Why not?" I glanced at the cassette again, and said "Latinas means women, right?" He agreed, and I said "Latinos, sure", stressing the last sylable. For half a second he had a puzzled look on his face, then as his hand went to cover his mouth, he said "OHHHHHH!"; when I added "I like men", he smiled sweetly, then a quieter, 'it's no big deal' "oh". We continued to chat about drinking and nonsense, then he had to get back to work.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

So, I'm sure some people are looking forward to tonight's season premier of West Wing, but dang it, I gotta work. Of course Law & Order is really my fave - but 'warming up the TV' before Law & Order got me semi-addicted to West Wing, as well. I suppose I could try to figure out how to use the timer on the VCR...

You know, I remember that I watched "That Certain Summer" way back when I was 11 yeas old, but I remember hardly anything about it, or what I thought of it. But I did dig up this pic, and this portion of an article/interview by Vito Russo, in a 1976 issue of In Touch magazine.

"This would mean that Martin Sheen was not concious of the fact that a number of actors shunned that role in "Certain Summer" because they didn't have the courage to play a homosexual.

(Sheen:) It took no courage to play that part. They called me and they said 'We've got a fascinating script about two gay guys.' And I said, "Who's playing the other guy?' and they said 'Hal Holbrook' and I said, 'I'm in.' You see, I knew they were serious. That's all I ask. If they were a couple of clowns trying to make fun of a relationship - gay or straight - I would have said 'fuck it.'

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

One of my (many) eBay pet peeves is folks who post PLAYGIRL magazines in the gay magazine section. Yeah, yeah, I know lots of gayguys buy the magazine, and have been for decades, but still. But clearing through mounds of porn last week, I found a Playgirl that, in the usual eBay lingo, was of "gay interest" (for eBay sellers, "gay interest" basically means it has a picture of a man, and he doesn't even have to be showing any skin!). So I had no choice but to post it in with the gay magazines. Falcon video star Johnny Hanson, who appeared in such porno videos as: Download, The Other Side of Aspen 3: Snowbound, The Other Side of Aspen 4: The Rescue, Trying It On For Size, and Hot Firemen, is featured in a layout. This Playgirl issue came out the same year as he started his brief all-male porno career, 1995. Here he is supposed to be looking at some naughty Polaroids a (female) neighbor left under his door. The black and white photography is actually pretty good!

Woman Faces Prison For Selling Dirty Underwear

Monday, September 22, 2003

naked lunch
No, Andy and I didn't do it nekkid, but we did have lunch. But my recent fascination with vintage books has had me keeping my eye on two auctions, that I only wish I could get this kind of dough for my db's (dirty books).
Someone somewhere blogged that bloggers shouldn't link to the New York Times, since we all read it anyway (hmmm); but I just couldn't let this one go - check out the Law & Order & Law & Order & Law & Order & Law & Order ... Sunday Magazine article and tell me the MOST GLARING, and UNFORGIVEABLE ERROR in the story. (And I don't mean this stupid beauty: "Fred Thompson and Steven Hill, who played the head prosecutor for the show's first decade, so resemble each other you can't keep them straight anyway.")
failed requests
reqs: file
----: ----
101: /favicon.ico
48: /robots.txt
24: /blog/sky_tree_0413.JPG
22: /adultauctionpics/MENdec89_2.jpg

My favorite "failed request" is the old /favicon.ico. I admit to not knowing what it was until recently, but another bored Saturday night got me googling, and it turns out that each time someone bookmarks one of your webpages in their Internet Explorer browser, IE looks for a special icon (which someone like me is clueless in how to make), and when it doesn't find it, it's one of those "failed requests" you see in your website statistics. Fascinating, eh? But hell, 101 of them for a Sunday is pretty darn good. I go back to sleep know....

Sunday, September 21, 2003

old pics

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Friday, September 19, 2003

"A secret world grows open and bolder. Society is forced to look at it - and try to understand it."

Life magazine, June, 1964. And they're still gawking, and they still can't figure us out, can they?

No Poets (1962)

Thursday, September 18, 2003

We're still in Kansas
I'm staring at a web page that has made me cry.

I'd been trying to search around the web for more specific info on the legal intricacies of the Limon v. Kansas case. The ACLU's most recent press release, and the various tidbits of news stories never gave me answers to my question - what are the possible outcomes of this case? I was getting a post ready for this blog, and had kinda narrowed down the question to: will the Kansas court throw out the "Romeo and Juliet" law in it's entirety, or rule that it must apply to persons engaging in samesex activity? The former would be horrendous, keeping Limon's sentence in tact, and subjecting more young people to their stupid sex crime laws until (if) the Kansas Legislature rewrites the law; the latter should mean that he's already served (over 3 years, and counting..) more time than he should have, and should be released. But after digging and digging, I arrived at an official Kansas website that had the boy's photograph. I know it may sound dumb, but it just makes it even more real, more horrendous, looking into the eyes of a young man in this terrible situation. The page also included the basic info that the state is allowed (or required?) to publish - birthdate (Feb 09, 1982) offense date (Feb 16, 2000), conviction date (Jun 27, 2000), and earliest possible release date: Oct 01, 2014. Looking into his eyes, and seeing that he has at least 11 years more scheduled to be there, wondering what horrible scars have already been carved into this young man's psyche, it's terribly sad, to say the least.

Sodomylaws.org's site was fairly helpful, but I think they are in error regarding the Kansas sodomy law when they say that Lawrence renders their criminal sodomy statute unconstitutional. I beleive it makes part of it unconstitutional, namely the first part of 21-3505(a) (1), between two people 16 or older of the same gender, but will probably leave most of the rest in tact (between a person and an animal, sodomy with a child 14-16 [under 14 is considered statutory rape, I believe] ) in place. (the Texas law that was declared unconstitional was only directed at gaysex, Kansas's includes more, including sex with those under 16). What I believe the ACLU is challenging is that Kansas has a "Romeo and Juliet" law, which lessens the penalty for "deviate sex" (my words, i got tired of typing "sodomy") between teenagers of opposite genders within a certain age range. This law did not apply to Limon, as he had sex with another male. My worry is, what if the Kansas Supreme Court invalidates the "Romeo and Juliet" in it's entirety, rather than forcing the State of Kansas to apply it to homosexual activity? Would that then mean that Limon's sentence stays? Most people (certainly myself) refer to the two involved here as teenagers, but for purposes of the law, one (Limon) is considered an adult, and the other a child. (Which is why the "crime" is a felony, not a misdemeanor as it would've been with 2 adults). So how does the ACLU argue that the Court apply the "Romeo and Juliet" law to Limon's case, rather than have the law declared unconstitutional (and theoretically keeping his sentence as is)? If the law is gone, and you now apply the same ridiculous penalties to all, or can the Court make the "Romeo and Juliet" law apply to those having sex with someone of the same gender?

I wrestled with the idea of putting his pic here (it's on the Kansas website, probably because of their stupid sex offender's law, as well as a leading news organization's site), but I think out of respect to him, I can't. I mean, my pages are mostly about porno and shitlikethat, and while the effect of seeing his youngface may have the same effect on others as it did for me, it just doesn't feel right, amongst all this frivolity.

For those of you who miss the porn, go here - asspig.com.

Meanwhile, I am still stewing about the Matthew Limon case. It's like I wish I was a law professor, and could assign my class to research all the questions I have. I think I'll poke around sodomylaws.org's site, and try to formulate my questions before I go on....

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

"He doesn't want to get married," ..... he wants to get out of jail!
The reporting on the Matthew Limon case continues to frustrate me. (Well, not so much the reporting alone, but the pacing, the length of time for this case to proceed), but I realize this stuff takes time, but I am also aware of someone's freedom still waiting until everyone sorts through their own agendas and timetables before he might, and it is still a might, get out of jail before his original 17 year sentence. The most recent info - Associated Press story - discusses Kansas's Attorney General Phill Kline's claim that Kansas's marriage and other sexcrime laws are in danger in this case, not merely the "Romeo and Juliet" law. The ACLU, keeping its eyes, no doubt, on bigger prizes, is keeping their arguments broad enough so that perhaps they might get more than simply Matthew's freedom.

I just wish folks would get it - regardless of where you stand on "gay marriage" there is a huge difference, in reality and in law, in GRANTING A RIGHT TO MORE PEOPLE (expanding the legal defination of marriage) and CRIMINALIZING ACTIVITY that doesn't harm anyone (consensual sex between 2 teens of the same gender).

What frustrates me about the news article is that it basically has both "sides" comment on each other's "true" goals, with little or no independent investigation into the actual briefs that each side filed with the court. One little footnote is mentioned, but can't the AP get a hold of the briefs, and have a legal writer analyze what they say? The AP writer considers the story to be the confrontation between the Atty General and the ACLU, not a young man's freedom hanging in the balance. It's shameful.

I haven't had phonesex in awhile.

My brain is fried - I worked 12 hours yesterday ( I know, I know, people work in emergency rooms for longer stretches), but if I have to say "would you like black beans or pinto" ever again in my life, I will scream! Oh wait, I have to work tonight. Where's that 900#?

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Too Gay For Bravo

So what's the deal with no major (i.e. "str8") papers picking up on this story - Gay dating ad unacceptable for gay dating cable program - about Bravo refusing to air an ad for Mygaydar.com during its "Boy Meets Boy" program?

"The ad, which MyGaydar.com provided to Gay City News, depicts a handsome shirtless young man in a bathing suit being checked out by several young women who can’t snare his attention and glance at each other questioningly. The puzzle is solved when another bathing suit-clad young man, also handsome and well built, arrives with drinks to share the first man’s lounge chair. The scene ends with the MyGaydar.com logo emerging on the screen as the online service is mentioned."

- Well, does the Daily News gossip column "DAILY DISH" count? See the ad for yourself.

Monday, September 15, 2003

I know that one day I may regret selling off all these Drummer magazines, but the amount of porn in this little room is astounding. I try to keep cover pics, and selected pics like this one of Mr Drummer 1987, plus a great one of J D Slater (you'll have to surf the auctions to see that one).

Well, last night i did not go out to my usual and attempt to have sex. I did have the sudden urge, at 1:30 a.m., to put air in the back tire of my bike, and oil all the moving parts. Having done that, I hopped on the bike and rode around for awhile. Sexclub closes at 2 a.m. on Sundays, so that wasn't an option. The Cock, well, I thought about it, rode past it and saw a few handsome men outside, but kept pedaling past. The Phoenix - rode past slowly, looked in the window to see about 6 guys inside, kept going. Stuyvesant Park - all locked up at that hour, so that wasn't an option. Heading back south on 2nd Avenue, Dick's Bar looked just as awful as usual. When I got to 4th street, only a few yards from House of Regrets, I turned left and away from it, knowing I wasn't in the mood for all that late night pacing and listening to the loud sounds of HBO or Showtime that they play on the big screen.

Back home, I quickly settled into obscene snacking - chips, ice cream, whatever I could stuff into my face - then drifted off to sleep. The dream took place in the sexclub, and while I don't remember the particulars of the actual sex, I remember being quite satisfied. The most vivid part of my memory was as we were "finishing up" ("yeah, boy, on my face, c'mon - all over my beard, that's it!"), these two women walked into the room, fully clothed, marching past various men in various sexacts, loudly talking. "I think we'd have to knock down this wall, and perhaps see if we can re-route the plumbing through here...." one of them was saying as she stepped over two guys 69-ing on the floor. They were completely oblivious to their surroundings, very business-like, and suddenly I realized they were buying the building and the sexclub would soon be gone!

No, I didn't wake up in a sweat or anything, but I found it funny that I've having evil-real-estate-agent dreams in the middle of a rare sex dream. The funny thing is, after the two women left the room, and their voices drifted away, me and whoever-I-had-sex-with stayed put, on a sticky vinyl couch, and just gently stroked each other's bodies as we both drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

Sunday, September 14, 2003


"A panoramic potpourri of polymorphous perversity"

Special Sunday treat - this week's rerun! This clip will only be up today, Sunday, for you weekend readers. Note the footage of the Adonis Theatre - alas, no longer with us.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Friday, September 12, 2003

I like 'em thick. While not a foot or sock fetishist, I love the look of thick socks on a guy wearing well-worn leather workboots, don't you? I'm doing some eBay posting today and the weekend, trying a"start it at a buck" strategy. (sample pic). Also hope to do another Sunday re-run, like last week, with a one-day only porno clip, selected from one of the clips I've shown in the past. Any of you guys who've missed out on the previous ones, here's your chance to send in a request (but remember, I'm only posting it for Sunday). (more dick pic).

eBay alert! Richard Amory's Song of the Loon - - looks good, and the auction ends in 4 days (Tuesday). My personal copy is a Greenleaf Classic "3rd printing" (GC213) - this one might actually be an earlier printing, as it has no notation on its cover.
The day began with the end of the worknight. As I was counting up the $ and getting ready to clock out, the radio from the kitchen that was previously playing bad Mexican hard rock switched to the national anthem. Kinda hard to ignore as the computer terminal clock clicks over to 09/11/03. Spent a short while at home after that, but decided to go for a bike ride, and grabbed my walkman which I haven't used in a long long time (ear problems, not good for me to use walkmans, but I wanted Vespertine for the ride). Heading across town, I was surprised to see the "Towers of Light", but I followed them West, then once I got to the Hudson River, I started south. I took a few quiet stops, trying to capture with my camera the amazing look of the bright round moon high in the sky with the bluish artificial beams pointing straight up (pics didn't come out so good, but whatthehell). I actually laid down on the dark cold asphalt of the bikepath for a while, listening to Bjork cooing and whispering in my ear, enjoying the night air, staring into the great big sky. The Towers of Light faded, then were completely shut off. Once I made it all the way downtown, past the numerous TV satellite vans parked in anticipation of whatever events were planned for the morning, I stopped again and just stared across the West Side Highway into the huge brightly lit hole. I was captivated by the sheer size of it, and the buildings surrounding the area of different types and styles of architecture. I was struggling with the idea that we will be building on this site, trying to make (at least in part) a new big object that will somehow show the absense of the old big one. I accept, and actually agree that we should, but was grateful for the chance to again just stare out blankly at this huge awful hole. I've only been to the site late at night, when few people are around. Not that it's ever totally unpopulated. A group of about 20 cops walk by, there's a good amount of car traffic on the road, and of course construction workers are in and around the place. And the occasional fellow biker (I suppose bicyclist is more acuarate, but somehow "biker" sounds butcher) or skateboarder rides along. It's interesting to be here with Bjork providing soothing sounds while staring at this huge rectangular shape. Even after I leave the site, I can't quite go home, and spend another hour just riding around lower Manhattan, and listen to Vespertine 3 times in total.

Sleep somehow comes easy, and I sleep late with cool air floating thrugh the windows by the bed. Not much happened druing the day, as I had hoped - just quiet reflection, coffee, neighborhood bike riding. When I went to the post office, I got one of the clerks who's been there for years. After we do the normal stuff ("media mail, please." and a few pleasantries) I say to her: "I hope this doesn't sound weird, but, you know, two years ago..." I begin, as her smile turns flat, and her eyes look downward for an awkward moment "...when I'd come in here almost every day, and you and the other guys would always say HI, and have big smiles for me, it really made a difference, it really helped." Her smile returned bigger, with a slight bit of blushing, as she said "Well, that's so nice to hear, thank you, and we'll keep on smiling!"

Two years ago, I promised myself to try to do more little dumb things like that, take a few extra seconds, and just act on those urges to acknowledge the people around me, whoever they are. I know, kinda corny, but I can't get my brain around the bigstuff, wars and killing and revenge and meanness. Most of the rest of the day was pleasant nothingness, and by the evening I found myself over on the West Side again, this time at the Piers (er, Hudson River Park) enjoying a beautiful sunset. There were all kinds of people there - I watched some crazy little kids running around on the astroturf of one of the newly refurbished piers, saw several same-sex pairs embracing or smooching nearby, black teens acting silly, touristy-looking white families eating a snack. That's what I wanted; the different kind of folks that make this city so cool, just hanging and enjoying a beautiful day together - I don't know anything about any of them, how much money they make, who they voted for, they just all looked very cool, and made me smile.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Helicopters. Why do I keep hearing helicopters out the window? I suppose there will be a lot of that for another day or two, but it's adding to my feelings of agitation. While I like John's suggestion to Get Off The Internet for the day tomorrow, I doubt I can actually commit to anything other than making coffee and playing the day by ear. Last night I came home, plugged into the internet, surfed, turned on the TV, and found myself watching a show about firemen. Yes, one of those documentaries. I kept getting this feeling that I shouldn't be watching, this feeling of invading their privacy, although clearly, in interviews and firehouse footage and such, they consented. There was a point where one of the guys was talking about how, a few weeks after, they all seemed to be having these stupid angry arguments over trivial stuff, stuff that never mattered. And I remember that for me, for several weeks, if I was talking to anyone close to me for more than 5 minutes, I would start shouting - it didn't matter what they said, they were wrong, and the only way to show that was to yell at them. Somehow, in all my daily interactions with strangers or near-strangers (postal clerks, cab drivers, store clerks, jay-walkers, whatever) I was patient, and calm, and happy (thankful, even) to see live, breathing people. But get me near anyone I truly had cared for in the past, and the agitation and anger was unbearble.

2 years ago, I lived alone, had no boyfriend, and was unemployed. I had no schedule and no commitment to be with anyone or be anywhere. I am pacing, I am pacing. I don't like this. I wanted to write something, and I am getting aggravated. I need air. I need exercise, I need to breathe. I can do this. OK, where was I? For those first few weeks, I did 3 things - slept, watch TV, and roamed around the city on my bike. The bike riding was good, but it started off in the safest, smallest of circles in and around the neighborhood. Checking, checking on things - trees, sidewalks, parks, still there, still there. Each night I got a little closer down there, and at one point, lost with some cops stopping me and telling me I can't go in the direction I was heading in. I stammered something about trying to get back to the Lower East Side, one guy pointed me in the right direction, patted me on the back like a little lost child, and told me to take care of myself. My brain is filling up with teeny tiny memories like that; the handful of candles down the street here with crayon-drawn signs in hope that there'd be survivors. Imagine that? Today I am reading that the last person rescued was at around noon on the 12th, and yet I seem to remember weeks of digging and praying. My schoolteacher friend in tears in the middle of Ave A, 2 days after, having had a long day of calming and nurturing his kids, and no one to calm or nurture him.

No point, no point at all to this. I need to be at work in an hour, and I thankfully have tomorrow off, all to myself. I think a heavy dose of merely being outside, staying away from this little tiny place that was my refuge, but each noise from the outside world reminds me of those days, and I feel it would be better to be out there, rather than struggling inside. The weather promises to be nearly identical to 2 years ago - sunny, 70's, a handful of clouds. But the odd thing about the fall of 2001 was, cliche' as it sounds, falling back in love with this city. On the 13th, I emailed my relatives with a brief "I'm OK - here's a few thoughts" letter - for some reason I had to declare, to them, to myself maybe, that this is my home, there's no place I'd rather be. Tomorrow should be the day to act on that, and to experience the world just outside my door.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

After reading Bloggy's morning account of the demo on the first day of classes at the Harvey Milk School yesterday, I pedaled over to see the place, it being somewhere in my neighborhood. I got there around 2pm, school was still in session, and both protestors and supporters were taking a rest. It looked a bit funny, as the BARNES & NOBLE bookstore sign is huge, and at first glance looks like they were getting protested against. As I rode past, I saw only 2 protestors in their pen, one holding the ol' (and very original) "God made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" placard. Which made me laugh, of course, cuz it seems that we might all be in a much better place if god HAD made Adam & Steve, right? Isn't Eve the one who ate that apple, then Adam ate some, and then humankind was banned from paradise? Sheesh! Paradise! Running around naked all day, eating everything and anything you want (except apples - how difficult is that?) Of course, I am far from being the first to realize this, (Goggling will get you several thousand results for "adam and steve") and found this to be an amusing take on the Adam and Steve story.


Monday, September 08, 2003

Last night. I went out for "the usual" - sunday night roaming and pacing the familiar turf at the local sexclub. I had been saying to a pal how unfullfilling, disappointing it has become there, and yet I go back. At one point, I am climbing up this rope/ladder thing to a small perch-like area to smoke some pot, and BAM! my Timberland boot-wearing foot hits some guy in the head while he's lying in a sling waiting for some action. Jeez! I apologized profusely, but somehow it made the night more tolerable, if that makes sense. I guess it just made plain the silliness of my pursuits there - going to a place for something that surely won't be there, and then leaving several hours later, not finding it. (OK, ok, so I did actually have decent sex by night's end). Ahhhh, so what is the "it"? I dunno. I am in a fog of late, and the routine of looking for justsex is becoming just that, routine. Maybe the return of CrazyFrenchMan in a week will turn into something, or maybe it will be "oh, god, he lives way way uptown" and nothing more than one or two dates will come of it.

Meanwhile, once I was home, I grabbed the keyboard here and started reading news, emails, etc online. About 3/4's through this New York Times piece - 9/11 Still Strains New York's Psyche, Poll Finds - the jury duty part, the tears start to fall. Not big ones, just the normal little bits you get when your brain starts to shudder and you attempt to block out as much as possible, but a bit seeps through, materializing and falling down your cheeks. For some reason, I went to my old emails, the ones from September 2001, and started reading. I'm having trouble remembering things accurately, but I think I have only left the city once since then, in 2 years. I went to my family in Chicago that Christmas, and since then, nowhere. I keep telling myself it's financial, or that I don't want the hassle of airports and all the nonsense that entails. And while those are true enough, I suppose, there's certainly more to why I haven't left the city, nor even given much thought to it. Something I sent to my Mom a few days after 9/11; I dont think these feelings have changed at all since then.

i feel a need to get away, but I cant really handle much time away from home. It's more like I would so much like to spend a long, lingering evening with you, sitting in your livingroom, eating snacks, talking about trivial things, getting hugs, and just "being". And then I can come home, to my little apartment, and my things, and feel the simple security that that seems to afford me, too.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Special Sunday treat - a rerun! This clip will only be up today, the last day of my "bandwidth month."

So, it's sometime after 2:39 a.m., and we've left The Phoenix and I have just walked past the huge beefy bouncer at The Cock. "hey! HEY!" as he grabs me without leaving the stool he's seated on. "Oh, sorry, I thought the woman inside always took the cover" I say sheepishly, once the "it's 5 bucks" he said 10 seconds ago sinks into my beer-drenched head. I hand him 10, tell him it's for both of us, and we go inside. Loud, smokey, and packed, we walk over to the bar. The bartender (here's a pic, but it's an old one, and he doesn't always dress like that; in fact, Thursday night he was wearing a yellow speedo) is standing on the bar as we reach it and lean in. After finishing with one guy, he reaches down and grabs my jaw, I look up into his handsome (now bearded - yum) face as he shoves his bottle down my throat, and I feel the warmth of cheap tequila go down. He pulls out, dribbles another shot's worth onto my beard (mmmmmmm, tequila beard) as he repeats the same with Chas.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

I was supposed to be at work at 11am this morning. Got up at 11:01, coffee was already made (i got up at 8:30, put coffee on, then went back to bed), hopped in shower, and drank coffee while brushing my teeth. Not a good way to start the day. Was only 20 minutes late, but just felt tired and out of sorts all day. Tonight, not much better. To bad, as Thrusday night was a lot of fun, and Friday day time was fun, as well. Later........

Friday, September 05, 2003

Can there ever be a lasting relationship -- a 'marital' type of relationship -- between homosexuals? The answer is yes.

However, it's a qualified yes. In interviews with several hundred deviates, both male and female, the homosexual 'marriage' seemed commonplace. Still, when one attempted to ascertain the longevity of such unsanctioned arrangements, they varied in duration from a few weeks to a few months. Only a small minority, say one percent, extended beyond that length of time.
-- Queer St. U.S.A. (1965)

Thursday, September 04, 2003


"A broken water pipe sets the scene as Michael distracts Phillip from his plumbing tools and gets him interested in his tool."

Starring: Michael & Phillip (1976?)
Real life couple Michael and Phillip did several mid 70's loops (8mm films) for Falcon that were later released on video (Weekend Lock Up - FVP-004, The Crotch Watcher - FVP-005, Hurt So Good - FVP025, and Take IT - FVP037); Eureka Bound (with Kansas City Trucking Co. star Steve Boyd) for Brentwood, as well as numerous magazines for both those companies, as well as Magnum Griffin. Most of these films were made without sound, but when they were transferred to video in the early/mid 80's, sound was added. Sometimes music (some great jazzy stuff, actually), sometimes overdubbed dialogue, but Magnum Griffin always added the silliest, most laughable voice-overs - where the sounds didn't quite match the action, or where it was clear from the action that the models couldn't possibly be talking! If you want a good laugh, play the clip with the sound; if you'd rather enjoy some hot sex between these handsome studs, turn the sound off.

Thursday "To Do" list

  • post office (ship porn)
  • laundry (clean off the anonymous sex residue from the weekend)
  • upload movie clip of Michael & Phillip (pictured at right)
  • book shopping (porn adult books)
  • disco nap (but no disco)
  • look for thirsty tourist in Times Square (and of course bringing him downtown, where the real action is)

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Was the 40 minute wait at the post office worth it? Well, shipping porn to needy customers is always worth it, of course, but today it was even better. 2 packages arrived for me, one a classic I Want It All, a 1969 gay novel (unfortunately, this is a 1995 reprint) by Dirk Vanden. But, best of all was the lot of ten "sleaze" books I won in auction on eBay a few weeks back, which included the original paperback edition of The Asbestos Diary by Casimir Dukahz. I only learned about Dukanhz when I picked up his Growing Old Disgracefully (1986) about a year ago, and looking thru it, saw that it was printed in The Netherlands. I thought this was odd, then did some "googling" and found that his subject matter is usually adolescent male sex, and the older men who enjoy it with these "boysexuals." And of course, since that sort of topic wouldn't easily get repriinted in this country again, when I saw The Asbestos Diary as part of a lot on eBay, I was determined to win it (and did, at quite a reasonable price, along with other interesting-sounding titles like Queer St. USA, The Half-World of the American Homsexual, Traffic In Innocents, and The Male Hustler.) Gosh, is there no end to the amount of cool vintage porn out there?

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Publicity shots like this one from Joe Gage's El Paso Wrecking Corp. certainly added to the rumours that there was a father/son sex scene in the film. As many of you long-time readers (and Joe Gage fans) know, there isn't an actual incest scene in the film, but rather Mike Morris (Dad) watches Jared Benson (son) have sex with Fred Halsted. Now I'm hearing that a good print of the film may be shown at the Portland Lesbian & Gay Film Festival this fall, and I am just waiting for more details. Very very anxious to find out what, if any, of the "missing footage" (see my GAGEtape page for info on the missing 15-20 minutes) might be in this print. Stay tuned.

Monday, September 01, 2003

sunday's pic. when I uploaded it, in a hurry to get to work but have something nice to look at for you non-Sunday worker's, I suspected it wasn't Mike Davis at the time (I thought maybe it was Moose, but he's hairier). But the file name was mike_davis, which I snatched from some eBay auctioin, and not til late last night did I have a chance to look closer. Defiantely not him, but I am fairly sure it is another Colt model, Guy McCoy - who, alas, I am finding NO info on other than the teeny tiny pic I have of him on a fold-out Colt publicity brochure, showing about 80 models.
it's the little things
The highlight of the weekend was having the guy I was blowing at this club lean down, kiss me lightly, and whisper into my: "let me wear your jockstrap." And to think some people think homosexuals can't form meaningful relationships.
I love my Google Toolbar, of course I've had it for months and seach GOOGLE constantly, but the newer version has the best Pop-Up blocker - much better than PanicWare's free Pop-Up Stopper, which wouldn't allow comment boxes unless you manually ok'd it each visit. Google's knows the difference between a comment window poping up, and an ad; also, you can adjust the settings for individual pages, like those M4M dating sites, to allow the personal ads to pop-up. Neat-o!