Tuesday, July 31, 2001
Monday, July 30, 2001
A pretty rush down my spine
cash card, check.
both cockrings, check.
sweat and smoke imbued dago-tee, check.
remnants of weed in back pocket, check.
well, what i do remember is that several of the tunes were very, very porno. Most notably Take California with that 70's tv cop show car-chase music. It's just so "on your knees boy and take-it-all", ya know? Just like the opening sequence in Gage's L. A. Tool & Die , alot of the tunes last night made that groping around in the dark thing work real well. Amazing how the music, the humidity, the close crowdedness, even the aroma wasn't what made the difference, as intoxicating as it all was..... just say "blackout party!" turn off those lights, and we make our own lil' Closed Set. Can't tell you how many backs of necks I licked, like some salt-starved animal, but each sweat-soaked one tasted even better than the previous one.....
funny how leather pants just never seem to absorb that smoke-smell, unlike everything else that was attached to my body. maybe something to do with smoke rising, as those trousers were rarely far from the ground......
Sunday, July 29, 2001
Still, you'd think several hours with a hot hairy man would allow me some sleep. Seems I'm worried and insecure - the best I can come up with. Which makes sense, haven't had a job 15 months (not that I've been looking), no "real" boyfriend in 25 months (not that I haven't been looking, but the spooge-covered floor of the Cock maybe isn't the best place), and I hardly ever leave this apartment before dark.....
Meanwhile, I'm listening to this 9 minute remix of Take Me To Heaven, and not sure if I like it. But Planet of The Apes was better than expected (I didn't expect much, after all, how old was I when I saw the original, and the image of Charlton Heston's butt running through the forest is probably what made me Queer!) - I must say, I still don't care for most of Tim Burton's stuff, just too busy and unfocused. And why, when escaping, did they have to run through the INSIDES of every APE house in town???? I know, I know, willing suspension of disbelief (which I still couldn't do while watching Marky Mark leave his horse behind to go running to rescue a fellow HU-MAN.
I shouldn't be allowed to post before the 2nd cup of coffee. I'm outta here.
Saturday, July 28, 2001
Do like me, and stay home and watch PBS's broadcast of An American In Paris while reading the non-musical 24-hour, updated every 30 minutes, blogging of Mermaniac; or any of the others participating in the 24 HOUR BLOGATHON raising money for various worhtwhile charities.
(well, i might sneak into a chatroom once in awhile....)
Blogger and Geocities not getting along, and couldn't publish yesterday's blog until many many hours after it might've looked good.
Despite his best efforts, our Prez wound up on the cutting room floor of the new Planet of the Apes movie (I'm hoping to go today)
Friday at Lure. (For more on The Lure). Not many folks there, despite no cover charge. One guy had this huge, HAVE A SEAT mustache, and a cigar as big as his beer bottle. I was captivated, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He walked toward me, but turned towards the bar, still puffing, and then, a huge ash fell, and he squealed! I mean, I've got nothing against squealing, I do it often enough myself, but it really really ruined the mood......
Another guy was getting his boots shined, sitting up high in that chair, looking down at the crowd, and I took a seat below, and again, a mustache that would've felt really really good right up under my balls..... but, alas, he went off with 2 muscle guys, but for those few minutes, looking up at him, him holding his beer bottle in his lap like it was his hard cock, waiting for me..... grrrrr....
Biked over to the Cock, and soon enough, amongst the smoke and humidity, Hot Stuff starts blasting. A song I don't really care for, except it made me go back 20 years, to the Bijou Theatre on Wells St in Chicago's Old Town, redlight, head-bopping, crotch-groping ....... ahhhhh... and the music only got better, and I flipped out when a cool remix I hadn't heard in years started blasting, especially cuz so many of the cute guys obviously recognized it too, and started dancing, when Big Time Sexuality was playing, and mixed with Sylvester's Take Me To Heaven ?? yeah, man!
(this is where I describe the man who's nipple i only got to lick for all of 14 seconds before he excused himself with "I'm gonna take a walk" - but I'm too bitterly disappointed, and some godawful song by HEART played, and my ass automatically left the bar, sat on the bike, and waited patiently for the rest of me to get out there)
Don't forget the BLOGATHON today! He said he'd be nude for the whole thing!
Friday, July 27, 2001
Vmfeneque [11:12 PM]: hi
Bjland [11:15 PM]: hey man
Vmfeneque [11:16 PM]: love getting blown for long time
Bjland [11:16 PM]: cool
Vmfeneque [11:16 PM]: can we meet
Vmfeneque [11:16 PM]: wherer r u
Bjland [11:16 PM]: lower east side
Bjland [11:17 PM]: um, not ready to meet after 3 lines of chat
Vmfeneque [11:17 PM]: where
Bjland [11:18 PM]: 5th st
Vmfeneque [11:19 PM]: & what
Bjland [11:19 PM]: is there a particular reason you need an exact location?
then, he disappeared.....
Foru2n [11:11 PM]: hi 20/m/bottom nyc
Bjland [11:15 PM]: hey man
Foru2n [11:16 PM]: hi
Bjland [11:16 PM]: your a young guy, eh?
Foru2n [11:16 PM]: 20
Bjland [11:17 PM]: 40 here
Bjland [11:17 PM]: 20 IS young!
Foru2n [11:17 PM]: i had older
Bjland [11:18 PM]: i dont doubt that, since most folks ARE older than you
Foru2n [11:20 PM]: have u ever had a young guy
Bjland [11:20 PM]: ever? yes
Foru2n [11:20 PM]: do u want to do me
Bjland[11:21 PM]: hehe
Bjland [11:21 PM]: sounds like a bad pop song
then, he disappeared.....
by 2:30 am, the Time Warner/Road Runner technicians, after repeatedly saying things like: "I've never seen this", and "I've never heard of that happening before" gave up, and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday - 4 days without internet????!!! arrrggghhhh
So, I left my Fourth Floor Walk-Up, and headed to the Cock, for some really good music. When the caffeine kicks in, and I can use those parts of my brain, I'll try to post the songs...
Thursday, July 26, 2001
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
i love when men teach me stuff. Sometimes its a simple hint like "good God, do something with the navigation on your site!" Panchesco, who I've never managed to see on his live cam, is an example. Some sweethearts just quietly put me on their links list, and inadvertantly teach me to obsessively check my stats page; and then, again quietly, the same nice guy shows me how to do secret messages that only really hot guys can read. Looking thru this guy's site, I learned ropes are hot! And then I learn, just before heading out to my favorite watering hole, that some guys are hosting secret blog meetings right across the street from where I am learning how to keep my balance while looking for my, er, contacts, in a backroom.....
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
while i don't get much in terms of fan mail, and i never get blog-spotted, i got 2 interesting bits of email today. One was a simple "please please help me find this old porno movie i've been after" (Boynapped, which I don't have, but I found an online retail store for the guy)..... and the other was, I think, true blogger fan mail:
"Your blog rocks dude! Hope your gettin it more this
summer. Yo, I'm lookin for some pit smelling you know
with an older guy like you at the Cock. when do the
older guys go???? help, thanks!!"
now, there are many ways to dissect this. Most of my friends who got a forwarded copy of the email took issue with the "older guy" thing - hey, i'm 40, and I don't have an issue with it, and if some young guy wants to call me Daddy while licking my pits, sounds fine to me! But then again, he didn't say he wanted my pits, he wanted someone like me. I havent heard back from the (presumably) young man.
So, any interesting takes on this email, feel free to share with me - who knows, I might post it here, I might send you some dirty pics of my 40-year-old pits, ya never know.
Meanwhile, with a heat index in NYC of 97 at 6:30, I think this'll be a good night for some COCK ACTION (but some of us older guys don't get there before 1 a.m.)
Plus, having had the sleepover the previous night, it was kinda nice to just mull that over, wonder who will call first - and besides, my head is still sore, he was a real BITER! So I stayed home, but there was plenty to do here, like:
- bidding on a classic gay S/M porn movie - Born To Raise Hell (and winning, I learned first thing this morning!)
- scavenging this guy's PLAYLIST and downloading from audiogalaxy (still unemployed, still can't BUY new music) - (Welcome to the Jungle is cool, but this new Rock the Casbah is kinda lame...)
- finding another cool guy has me on his links list, ( i wish i knew how to do that mouse-over messagey thing, his said "um, yeah" as i passed over the "bj land" link!!) and trying (and failing miserably) to reformat my BLOG page so I can add a column of bloglinks
- and of course, one of my favorite non-sex activities, watching bad made-for TV movies on LIFETIME - When He Didn't Come Home with Patty Duke was awesome - and I don't mean it was good, but, near the end, her son's car, but not his body, has been found in Lake Michigan, but the District Attorney isn't so sure about proceeding against the girlfriend at this point, and Patty exclaims, " I don't know much about what you call "rules of evidence" (and she emphasized that phrase like it was a strange, foreign language) but there is one thing I do know, MY SON IS DEAD AND SHE KILLED HIM!! ( I really expected her to say "I'm just a caveman").
Monday, July 23, 2001
- soft-spoken Portuguese into the back of your neck as you drift off
- his snoring that seems to be an integral part of the bjork disc that's still playing
- falling asleep all sticky from him
- he kisses you in the morning before you can even think to check your breath
- his aroma on your pillow, hours after he's left
- finding yourself trapped in a 2 foot square corner of your bed while he takes up the rest of the mattress
- hurredly making coffee in the morning without yer glasses on
- figuring out which socks are his
well, looks like making coffee and sorting socks are a small price to pay for (giggling to myself sheepishly, I go back to bed...)
Sunday, July 22, 2001
Sonntag, Juli 22, 2001,
wenn ich meinen seltenen Foray in die scareywelt von Manhattan auf einer Samstagnacht betrachte, wie eine Weise, das Interessieren, stattliche, beschäftigte, regelmäßige Halteseile, es zu treffen ausfiel. Aber, ich muß sagen, handhatte ich, etwas sehr nette Aromen zu inhalieren, da ich zu einer Verein ging, die doesnt " Gerüchen " erlauben; viele Männer hatten Leder, waren shirtless - niemand teilte (mit mir, sowieso), aber es war ein gutes vibe für eine Weile. Dann gelangte das heatedness von ihm ganz an mich, und ich wußte, daß es Zeit war zu gehen. Die wenigen, die ich " gewählt " hatte, hatten mich nicht gewählt, und in einigen Fällen es es reichlich deutlich gemacht würde nicht geschehen. So stieg ich in mein Fahrrad ein, zurück nach Osten vorangegangen, durch das furchtsamste der touristy Arten str8 durchstreifend um die Straßen, die Stäbe.
Unterdessen wie ich dieses schreibe, " imming " morgens mit einem Halteseil, das Wörter wie " Busch- " und " Penis" i-dunno verwendet. Möglicherweise bilde ich zu grosses verteilen von den Wörtern, aber " ich habe einen grossen Penis für Sie " nicht tue es durchaus für mich (und ja, schrieb ER den Wortpenis! gross). Und wann ich haarige gerade Töne " des Busches " der Gabelungen (und haben einige Komplimente auf meinen gehabt), zu girlish mag, (nicht erwähnen die politischen Gefühle, die er " weckt") -- aber ich schätzen Sie, der ich gerade ist. Es ist fast 4pm, Zeit, meinen Esel in der Dusche zu erhalten und sieht, was die Welt der INDIREKTE Antrag ist!
Meanwhile, as I type this, am "imming" with a guy who uses words like "bush" and "penis" I dunno. Maybe I make too big a deal out of words, but "I've got a big Penis for you" doesn't quite do it for me (and yes, HE capitalized the word Penis!). And while I like hairy crotches (and have had a few compliments on mine) "bush" just sounds too girlish, (not to mention the political feelings it "arouses") -- but I guess that's just me. It's nearly 4pm, time to get my ass in the shower, and see what the world is offering OFF-LINE!
Saturday, July 21, 2001
Friday, July 20, 2001
like a good homo
But all around me everybody's multiplying and
they're walking round like flies man
So I'm no better than the animals sitting
in the cages in the zoo man
Cause compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees
I am an apeman.
I'm just a caveman.
Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes, when I read about Blogger A-List Slash Fiction, "memes", TransAtlantic Blog Tours, or "powerpaks", it makes me want to get off my computer.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.
I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a big-dicked hairy man finally pushes his hard cock into my face, I don't ask questions, I just say "thank you, sir."
Thursday, July 19, 2001
about last night...Whole Lotta Love blasting as I struggle to get my first beer (a song that can't be ignored, although I never play it at home - excpet that Napster mixed with Pink Floyd version), I remembered it's Rock N Roll Night here. Too many 80's spandex hits like that skinny chick who was rumoured to sing Opera (not Nina Hagen, I WISH!).... but the music, except for a few real clinkers, was pretty cool. The Cock was feeling very generic last night, but not in a bad way. In a generic sleazy smokey loud redlight not many people but those of us here are having fun kinda generic. Could be Long Island, or Mobile, Alabama..... and then Patti Smith (baby was a black sheep baby was a whore.....!!!) and I got into position, under that right speaker, to order another beer, and remember the last time I stood right here, with that same song blasting, and I asked that guy to fuck "right here, right now" - he laughed, smiled, moved away...... What an idiot. I mean, if anyone and I mean ANYONE asked me to fuck while Patti Smith is blasting, I would hop right up on that bar and stick my fuzzy ass up in the air and take it, take it like a MAN! But, naw, he's not an idiot, he gives me the "hey we did it but we aint doing it again" arm squeeze whenever I see him now, better than the "hey we did it and we aint gonna do it again" blank stare that is much too common.
So, something less amazing played after that (duh), and my mind trailed off to DAN's rant about A Night at Halsted's. And I realized that the problem with the movie (other than skinny, hairless guys with unattractive faces taking up too much space in the film) is that it can't be watched as a video. It was made to be absorbed in a porno theatre, or porno sex club, or something like that. The soundtrack for that movie isn't for watching a porn movie, the music is for watching, and/or particpiating in, ACTUAL LIVE SEX. I can remember strolling past booth after booth on all 3 floors of the renovated Bijou in Chicago, as some deejay played cool music, loud, and the sounds, and aromas, of dozens of men cruising, slurping, licking....... inhaling it all, absorbing it, just being NEAR sex was great, invigorating....
Last night, in the backroom, where a handful of couples were making out in the dark redlight, and smoke, and noise, and only one pairing was actually having sex, I got close to them. Watched, but couldn't actually see any cock. Just a head, going up and down on a slim guy leaning against the wall, who caught my eye. And he stayed focused on me, as he pushed the guy's head down, up, held it firm, and so on, keeping his eye on me, and I just stood, and downed some more water, and bopped my head to the madness/englishbeat/specials that was blaring at this point, and thought "yeah, it has to be blurry, and dark, and smokey, and your eyes are no longer what brings the stimulus to you, but your ears, and your tongue, and your skin...."
I chose not to join in, to interrupt. I didn't want it to change, I just wanted to watch, hypnotically, the quiet 3-way we had. Some Nirvana song, one of the better ones whose title you never knew. Me watching, him watching me watch, the 3rd guy, performing for both of us, and the rest of us back there. The bluriness of it all let me reach back into memory, and think about the many other similar times of participating, on different levels. Sometimes you just grab someone's balls as he jerks, sometimes you try to take 2 cocks in your face at once, sometimes you thrust your own cock out, and let someone gobble on it for awhile, and sometimes you just watch, and let them know that they are hot, and sexy, and better than any porn movie.......
Hank falls in love with Paul, but can’t help dreaming of Paul fooling around on him. His dreams, lover’s paranoia, consist of hairy ass eating and humping, double-headed dildo packing and orgies. Gay Porno Surrealsim from Hand in Hand Films, with hints of Cocteau, Bunuel, Fellini, and Goddard.
Aug. 1st at the Anthology Film Archives
16mm print of Arch Brown's The Night Before (1972)
Director Brown, and some of the cast will be there. (Frank Ross, Coke Hennesy, Michael Kade, Janal Jones, Nick Kastroff, Alexis Knight, Bob Plummer, Bill Yort, Jeffrey Etting, Tom Clarke, Mimmi Garth) not sure who, but I assume Frank Ross, who owns Third World Video (which owns rights to the entire "Christopher Rage Collection") will be amongst them.
Totally psyched, but my pal DAN who told me about the showing should be warned - I could quite possible go into some sort of porno-theatre flashback and start bobbing my head in the laps of fellow audience members!
Wednesday, July 18, 2001
looks like everyone has seen the dickcheneyisdeadyet "blog", so no link from me. But i do think his name is ripe for using as a way of expressing when you're not IN THE MOOD, or when you have a bad rash - "Sorry, honey, not tonight, I have Dick Cheney" ---- (the accent is on DICK, like you needed to be told that....!)
i cant think, but i think this is a pic of a guy who's not real, just be careful, if you click ON his pic, it'll take you to whatever movie he's currently starring in. Last night, stayed in, enjoyed the sound of the rain, and watched about half of Ballet Down The Highway, a porn flick from 1975. More on that later.
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
after 5 minutes of talking to me about me living on the Lower East Side, the Frenchman must've known I was poor, and couldn't afford to toss this 5 dollar beer in his face.......plus, I have this amazing ability to do song-association while walking away from idiots...
Oh no it does not move me
Even though I've seen the movie
I don't want to check your pulse
I don't want nobody else
I don't want to go to Chelsea
but last night, at The Cock, listening to god-awful shrill disco-without-bass (how'd they do that??), I started to get philosophical about my desire to have a sleep-over. For months I've be bemoaning the fact that I havn't spent a whole night, including sleeping, with a guy. Sex, yes; good sex, yes, several times since Jan 1; but not the elusive "what do you take in your coffee" as you kiss his neck and go into the kitchen with the warm sun streaming thru the windows scene. I started to realize that maybe i give off this "it better be really good" vibe to potential suitors, since, of course, I've built up the sleep-over into having major MEANING. And maybe that's silly, but I can't do the still-drunk pretend to want his phone number while pushing him out the door early morning thing like I did 5, 10, 20 years ago. It wasn't pretty then, it sure ain't pretty now. And some guy from the past was chatting me up, and we discussed monogamy, group sex, "open relationships", and all that...... and I realized, even if I can get past the "its just tonight, and then we have the awkward bumping into each other later" thing, I remember he has sand-paper tongue. Great body, biggus dickus, but sandpaper tongue. And from what I remember, he's very very oral, and I wince. I do the super-wince when the tongue don't feel right, so, the conversation started to wind down, neither of us having much to say, and I knew it was up to me, and it would be more beer, and ugh, why bother....
yup, the summer does afford me the luxury of just leaving, and going for a meandering ride at 2 or 3 am. Not much traffic, I only had one beer, so I was comfortable, driving real slow, and as I got to 4th st and 2nd ave, noticed a lot of activity on the The Bar, The Boiler Room, The Bijou corner. So, I parked the bike, went into The Boiler Room, and stood near the door deciding. Jukebox playing something vaguely annoying...... hmmm. But this guy, behind me, is looking, so I figure I'd give it another song to decide.
He believes in beauty
He's Venus as a boy
not loud enough, but still, a smile found its way to my stern face, and my body found its way to the bar, where the all-too-cheerful bartender gave me 3 or 4 choices of how I could have my Bud Lite. I went for the $1.00 special, of course, which was served in a 3 oz kiddie mug. Making my way over to an empty couch, I plopped, and enjoyed the rest of the song, which then switched to Human Behaviour. What more could i ask for?
i only hoped that the Radical Faerie who plopped himself down next to me, grinning, was paying attention to the lyrics - they were definately written for me
There's no map
To human behaviour
They're terribly moody
Then all of a sudden turn happy
But, oh, to get involved in the exchange
Of human emotions is ever so satisfying
There's no map
And a compass
Wouldn't help at all
Monday, July 16, 2001
Ever just had one of those days...
......when you just can't get out of the sling?
only 2 scoops of coffee left in the tin....... ( I suppose i could look for the can opener and open the other can of Bustelo), and there must be 5 jockstraps scatterred on the floor in here, and a big (empty) Pop-Secret bag.... but yesterday/last night was fun.
While I knew that my success at having sex in the afternoon yesterday would mean I would only have observer status at The Cock's backroom last night, it was still fun. Trying to keep a safe distance from all those guys who I have some history with (you know, the old 4-1/2 feet rule) - one is a pal who I hadn't seen in over a year, and now I only see him back there, and of course the several who I'd attempted in the past who rejected me, and then the ones who I rejected, plus the handful of "we did it already" types - so, as crowded as it was (and I have the black and blue toes to proove it) there wasn't much to choose from. Music was okay, nothing great, nothing too offensive. The deejay managed to keep it on the THUMP THUMP THUMP, and only played that new 146 minute remix of RELAX one time. And i had thoroughly prepared for a night out, having stocked the place with ice cream, soda, microwave popcorn, and Junior Mints earlier in the day.
Speaking of earlier in the day, I actually got some guy to come over so I could take pics of him in MY jockstrap! And, he turned out to be much cuter in person, a dancer of some sort (I'm awful, I didn't even pretend to show interest, never asking what kind of dance, the name of the company, or anything, just "here this one would look good on you, click click). And, since the fluffer was on vacation all week, I had to do ALL the work myself! The cool thing about him, besides the tight, lean body, buzzed head, great mouth, unshaved/untrimmed crotch, firm butt..... wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the cool thing, after awhile, and we are both sweating, and slurping, etc, he looks down and says "what do you want, what are you thinking, c'mon, tell me" so, I um mentioned, vaguely, that it's too bad that I didn't have the video cam set up....... He goes: "well, do it!" So, very quickly setting it up (and he asked for "no face shots") so I set it up where he could use the T.V. as a monitor to watch us....... I've only looked at the last 90 seconds, but I must say, I am turning into quite the lil filmmaker!
music today: L'Trimm's (We Like the) Cars That Go Boom and Le Tigre's My My Metrocard
Sunday, July 15, 2001
Saturday, July 14, 2001
Friday, July 13, 2001
AND IT'S OUT OF CONTROL
GOT AN URGE I WANNA PURGE
'CAUSE I'M LOSING CONTROL
I WANNA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
I was just thinking, "make it an early night", but somehow, the appeal of ONE MORE BEER got the better of me, and as soon as the bartender pulled that Rolling Rock out of the pile of ice, and began to unscrew the cap, uncontrollable urge blasted out of the speakers. ( yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.....)
previously the music was hit or miss (like WAYYYY MISS with one of Heart's more dreadful hits) and a decent pretenders, a cool Jam tune. Soon enough, something that brought me back to my college dorm room, when I was rooming with Gerard, who had that kick-ass stereo ( and that cock he'd occasionally let me suck/jerk-off) played. That first time: Andrew walked in (we rarely locked the door) and just walked over to the turn table, pulled off the record that was playing (no doubt Gene Vincent, or someone like that who Gerard was trying to teach me all about...) and said, I'M GONNA BLAST THIS ---- and those first few notes from Remain In Light started bouncing off those dorm room walls. A-FUCKIN-MAZING! There's nothing like being 19 years old, and hearing, for the first time, an album that just bowls you over. Of course, last night, they didn't do what really should be done - play the whole first side, ( Born Under Punches, Crosseyed and Painless, The Great Curve) only Crosseyed got played ........I'm still waiting.......I'm still waiting......
but I must say, with all those memories flooding in, the kicker of the night, and the Cock was just starting to fill up (3 am, where ARE they coming from?) .... this seemed to get all the cute boys dancing, and the rest of us bouncing in our places....
Walking On Thin Ice
i'm paying the price
for throwing the dice in the air
why must we learn it the hard way
and play the game of life with your heart
so yeah, I had to take a few tokes, fresh stuff, just picked it up in midtown earlier in the day....
"you are going to live for-EVER!"
"I can't believe you are here. I was just thinking of you! Quick, give me some numbers, give me three numbers! NOW!!"
I gave her 3 numbers, all of which had something to do with my birthday/year/age. She quickly ran off to get a ticket. I hired this woman 3 or 4 years ago, and here she is, on her way to work, a job I quit over a year ago. Standing on this corner in midtown, waiting for a friend I had to meet here (I never go to midtown, but, um, well, i had to pick something up from him). I saw several people from my last job, only 2 recognized/noticed me back. Soon enough, Susan came back, lotto ticket in hand, rushing past me so as not to be late for work, shouting "We're Gonna WIN!!!!!!"
I knew a girl
who tried to walk across the lake......
Thursday, July 12, 2001
Stop The Planet of the Apes, I Wanna Get Off
they tell us that
we lost our tails
from little snails
i say it's all
just wind in sails
are we not men?
you may remember me from such films as:
"The Electric Gigolo"
"Give My Remains to Broadway"
"The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed"
"Suddenly Last Supper"
"Son of Sanford and Son"
"The Verdict Was Mail Fraud"
"The President's Neck is Missing!"
"Calling All Quakers"
"Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die"
"Dial M for Murderousness"
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
I can be sincere and say I like them
You can't say no to hope, can't say no to happiness
while the music last night wasn't so great (if I hear that dang Michael Jackson song on another Tuesday Night out I'll scream!) but, it made me realize how much music can affect my mood, and even inspire me. Yesterday, early morning (well, noonish) blog-reading got me to pull out Patti Smith, Joan Armatrading, Sinead O'Connor.......a very happy start to the day. and Monday night, Genius of Love reminded me of being back in Mobile, Ala. at a club called The Hard Act. This is where i met my first boyfriend J'on (yes, he spelled it that way, I never asked, I didnt want to know!) - he was the best friend and hairdresser for all the drag queens who performed there, and most of the time, the music choices to go along with their performances were just not my cup of tea (Over the Rainbow, all that shit...) But one night, one of them did herself up in her version of punk, and came out strutting like mad to Gimme Back My Man. I was bowled over, it really worked, it was really fun, and the crowd went wild! Actually, the very first drag show I ever saw was in downtown Mobile, and I was mesmerized by this black drag queen doing Patti Smith's Pissing in a River - it's actually the first time I consciously remember hearing that song, and it blew me away. This was the early 80's and I was totally into new wave, and was dealing with my sexuality, so seeing it come together in these places was just what i needed. The lines were getting blurry, which made it easier to be whoever you are, and change and evolve, it was all cool. Learning you didn't fit in as a teenager, that you liked boys and you knew no one else who did, and then discovering in college that you had to like disco, or showtunes, to fit into this new crowd, that was tough. So seeing drag performances of new wave material helped me relax. Moving to New York in '83, all alone, and quite worried about finding anyone to love, (according to several spiral notebooks I used to write in) and then I discovered The Bar on 4th st with its awesome jukebox ( Elvis Costello, X, etc) and even The Last Resort (no one remember that place!) on 1st Ave had Gang of Four - Rock N Roll Fag Bars, right? The Bar is where I met most of the friends I had back then, and some are still my best friends.
Much later, in 1998, music again came to the rescue. New Years Day, broke up with one man, (the 7th, and final, break-up with him) and by the spring, broke up with another. Homogenic was my theme music that year. Several of the songs expressed my desires so well, like Unravel ( if you want a good cry, listen to Unravel while looking a picture of yourself with your most recent Ex!), and Bachelorette. Her voice, those strings, just did amazing things to my heart, and my soul. But Alarm Call was the kicker - this one wasn't about yearning, and desire, and finding love; this was about joy, and hope, and giving....... and then, I saw HER on TV; a special on Bravo, and while I generally stay away from knowing much about the personal lives of artists I like, this was different. It showed her working with the musicians, her thoughts about music, and her beloved Iceland. Then, there she is, in a fluffy white down coat, running in the distance, on some ice-covered majestic part of the earth that I could never imagine, and I knew.
I wanted to feel the EARTH. I wanted to see an ocean I had never seen, and see vast stretches of unfamiliar topography. The images on the TV were amazing, and she rejoiced in her homeland. One of the few times in my life I really focused on a goal, and somehow I managed a one-week trip there. It was the first time (only time?) I'd traveled outside the US by myself, and it scared the shit out of me. I spent 2 weeks putting together the best Bjork mixed tape; I wanted to travel light, and so I allowed myself only one tape! And anytime I got squeamish about this unchartered trip, I'd put ALARM CALL on the disc player, and I imagined myself on a moutain-top, with my walkman, playing her joyous tunes. I imagined I would get there, find some secluded spot, and scream. I would yell, and scream, stomp my feet, and let it all out, and allow myself to just get all this crap out of my system.
So, by mid-August, there I was, on my second plane, going from Reykjavik to Husavik, one backpack, lots of Clif Bars, 2 guidebooks, and my unbelieving heart soaring, looking down on moon-like mountains. Later in the day, after I had spent a few hours on a freezing cold trip into the Artic Ocean to see the first whale in my life (it's so much more amazing than anyone can describe)... I found myself walking on a deserted road, outside of town, and at 9pm, the sky still well-lit, the Ocean's breeze soothing my face, I walked over to the edge of this cliff, sat down, and prepared myself to do what I came for, to get it all out. And I looked down, and out into the water, and back at my legs dangling, and I just started giggling. Giggling like a muther-fucker, totally, uncontrollably laughing my hairy ass off at the beauty of it all, the joy that has been in my life, and the joy yet to come. Giggling like I'd never giggled before, and I realized I was taking really good care of myself, that i was smarter than I had ever given myself credit for, that I was a really nice, fun guy, and it just all fit together, and after a while, i got up, and walked some more down that road, away from town, just enjoying everything outside my body, and everything inside. When I realized the only thing I could hear were my own footsteps, it was the most calming, reassuring feeling. I walked some more, and my head started to play One Day (Springs External Mix), and I wound up never actually listening to my walkman for the whole trip. Occasionally, the right Bjork song would come on, inside, but usually, the sounds of waterfalls, quiet winds, sheep, my own footsteps.......
This is an alarm-call so wake-up wake-up now
Today has never happened and it doesn't frighten me
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
Then this other guy stumbles up, a friend of a bar-friend type. Looks good, despite the severity of his shaved/bald head (head looked good, but you can tell the doctor pulled hard on the ears with his tongs when pulling this one out of Momma). He says hi like every 4th time we bump into each other, and being 3 am, and he's standing on one of my feet, he couldn't NOT say hey. Within 2 minutes, his hand is in my pants, pulling hard on my balls, saying "ooh, i love big balls, oooh, yeah" Shit, so do I, so, how could I deny him? Then his shirt is off, revealing a nicely tanned torso , not to mention that flat stomach, so I took a few slurps just at the belt, but found my mouth clenched on one of his nipples. (much better than the guy with no belly-button earlier - most alarming, looking up and seeing it wasn't an inny, it wasn't an outee, it was just flat!)So, that seemed to go over well, as his pull on my naughty bits got more intense. This is in the front, leaning against the bar, in stark contrast to the non-goings on in this same bar's backroom on Friday.
Within minutes, he was on the seat of my bike as I pedaled his unexpectantly heavy self down to 2nd st for a tour of his roof; not that he allowed me anytime to actually see anything.....
sunday night:this was spooky 80s nite. ran into an ex-roommate of mine (we usually have the decency to ignore each other, but I was apparently leaning against the spot where he had left his drink, so, we did the pleasantries thing until I came up with some clever excuse to go like - "bye". Also ran into a sorta-X bf (i saw his 70's hair 15 minutes before i saw him); sorta cuz we only dated for 3 months in like 1983, and sorta cuz, when I tired to kiss him once at 3am on 2nd avenue and 13th st back then, he grimaced. I don't last long with bf's who grimace at public kisses on a deserted street in the middle of Manhattan. But, I did spot the hunky guy who dee-jayed last week, and told him it was great. His usual stern look erupted into the cutest sheepish grin, and later I followed up by passing what I was smking to him while he was oddly tucked in a dark corner. Meanwhile, the backroom was just too spooky. I usually like to get at least a faint glance at the person who owns the arm that has taken up residence in my ass, so after about 20 minutes, I put that to a halt! And some guy seemed to "like me", and he looked familiar enough, but I couldn't figure him out until he didn't even offer to share his poppers (I mean, i was doing all the work, what's with the not-sharing thing??) So, as I got up, I realized he was the same guy who months earlier was blowing me, gestured to my cold Budweiser, I handed it to him, and he drank in one gulp the remaing 11 ounces! Time to head back to the front and get some water, and park my ass under the speaker where it belongs. The deejay managed some decent stuff, but not as good as the previous Sunday when hunky-boy was back there.
saturday night the german computer saviour advised I get out of the house for awhile, after 3 days of watching him fix the machine. I lucked out; hairy guy, 3 emails, and a couple hours later found myself the proud owner of a much-deserved honorary rimology degree.
friday night (skipping all the early evening waiting-for-birthday-boy--to-show-up-but-instead-seeing-heartbreaking-X again..... let's go to the post 2am festivities) Ugh. Now, I am quite okay with the idea that not everytime i go to a bar/backroom, i get hit on, or have sex, but when NO ONE is having sex, that's just too disturbing. My control freak self wanted to smack them all back into shape, starting with the 2 drag queens taking up prime bench space cackling away. And then there's the 2 or 3 groupings of boys chatting at the top of their lungs "Ohhhh, I could never do it back here, girl!!" and numerous other hard-on inducing tidbits. And there were some real cuties, they just needed a quick push into each other to get things going, but the deejay wasn't helping much. Cheap Trick and Cyndi Lauper just DONT get guys on their knees, at least not the kind of guys i'd want to see on their knees. So, by 3:30, as I walked past a friend who was getting groped from behind, I hopped on the bike, and pedaled home for some soothing Starbucks ice cream.....
this 36-yr old, they are simple, yet powerful. And just when I thought another of my many, silly, internet crushes were waning this guy mentions Patti and biking in the same sentence! This boy has some unexplainable Robbie Williams fixation, but being the good boy that he is, he lured me back by non-chalantly mentioning REM. And my folder of panchesco pics keeps getting fuller - how does he manage to look so good, especially when he has that sleepy look going? (and as often as I am on-line, how come i've never seen him on his live cam?
Feels like I'm dreaming, but I'm not sleeping............................
Monday, July 09, 2001
Sunday, July 08, 2001
X marks the spot
after 2 years of not talking, seeing each other, or anything, I've bumped into my X 3 times in one week! All at the same bar, 2 of the nites were Fridays when i would never go there. The 3rd time was still awkward, and at one point, with no conversation going, he and his buddy moved clear across the bar. But later, bumping into him in the bathroom, we smiled, I mussed up his hair (he hates that) and talked a bit more, but nothing "serious". Later, with my pal Mark, Mark says "is that him, is that him?" gesturing over to the X. Yup. Mark sez: "oh, NOW I get it!" Gosh, at first, I felt sorta affirmed. Like, yeah, great guy, sure it was a big loss, no wonder I've been a wreck for 2 years. But, watching the X vaguely cruising this one and that one, and realizing that my best friend had NEVER met him, in a span of time of 1-1/2 years, my thoughts grew pretty heavy. (granted, Mark was busy hibernating with his own handsome bf, but still...) I thought, what the hell was that relationship? We barely ever met or socialized with either of the other's friends. And the break-up (dumping, excuse me, I WAS DUMPED!!!) happened only 4 days after I met, and spent the day with, 2 of his very nice, cool sisters. So, sitting there, gracefully accepting a beer from the X (hey, I'm unemployed, and no real income, and rarely been too proud for free beer), he and Mark start to play pool. Gosh, how ironic. It really wasn't that bad. But, in a way, it was like I had envisioned a future with him - him playing pool with my buddies; he and I spending the holdiays together, my family falling for him cuz he's a great guy...you get the idea....
So, it'll be tough, but it's gotta happen. For whatever reason, reasons I will never really comprehend or probably NOT want to comprehend, it just didn't last, and, well, gotta get used to the idea that nothing that great, that great feeling, will not return. But there will be other great feelings, with friends, with maybe even another hot hairy man. I will forever miss the sleeping together, his arm firmly wrapped around me, his tender touch, his snoring, his excitability about the littlest and the biggest things, music we both dug, hopping in a cab after buying a bag of Thai food and rushing over the East River to spend the evening together.....
but I can't imagine NOT having gone through it; it only hurts cuz it was good, and I miss it.
but, the COCK will have its backroom open tonight, and i havent spooged in public in a whole week, so.....
Saturday, July 07, 2001
i think this is where i plug the website of the guy who held my hand ( and did ALL the work) recovering my system from that nasty MTX virus .
I am only slightly concerned about the unspeakable things he'll have me do to repay the favor (yeah, like there's a lot I find "unspeakable")
tired and in need of fresh air
Friday, July 06, 2001
Thursday, July 05, 2001
Stalk me, baby!
ok. so maybe it's NOT technically stalking, but, it's been 5 weeks, and this guy just keeps calling! I don't want to give David Z's name out (gee, hope he isnt that guy from Prince & the Revolution with the bad hair!), so lets just use one of his AOL names here, "tknabath".
Now remember, we've never actually met; he was visiting New York 5 weeks ago, and he was supposed to meet me for dinner , and arrived 45 minutes late (accordinging to one of the 4 messages he left that night)(go here and here for those blogs), 5 minutes after I gave up waiting for him. We have never spoken since then (he hangs up when I answer!!) Here are the messages he's left on my machine in the past 24 hours
- tknabath: oh i wanted to tell you the good news, i sold a $60,000 painting today, so, that's great news........(machine cuts off )
- tknabath: (nothing)
- tknabath: sorry i got disconnected..... (machine cuts off )
- tknabath: hey pumpkin, WAKE UPPPPP!!! HEY baby, Wake UPPP!!!!!! we just got in, we miss you; anyways, i guess i'll talk to....(machine cuts off )
- tknabath: where ARE you???, you said you were gonna be home, you told me to call you, WHERE ARE YOU??? oh well
- tknabath: HEY-ayyy! i wanted to wish you a happy 4th of july, anyways, just wanted to say HEY, got your phone call the other day, anywayss, I just wanted to talk to you; you said you'd be home, we're having a cookout tomorrow, anyways, and let me know if you want to come, hope all is well, gosh, i'm just eating up your tape, it was so sweet to get your message, anyways, You're the best, anyways, i guess i'll just talk to ya later!
- tknabath: HEY pumpkin, i think your answering machine cut me off, and i just wanted to talk to you a bit longer, anywayssss, I had fun tonight, i wish you were here with me, we had a ball, anyways, sorry its so late, but i just wanted to talk with ya....
- tknabath: HEY-ayyyYY!!!!, call me. alright? i got lots of great information to tell you, wonderful news, cant wait to share it with you.
- tknabath: HEY! anyways, i guess you are not home, but I'm coming back to NY - that should be fun. Anyways, i think i told you i sold a painting for $65,000, and i'm psyched about that; anywayss.....
- tknabath: HEY, you must've gotten a lot of messages, you must be very busy, anyways...
- tknabath:HEY BABY!!!!, just wanted to call you
- tknabath: oh, wanted to ask you, too, about Madonna, got tickets and wanted to know if you wanted to go, so call me...
- tknabath: Hey , maybe you went to the Hamptons for the 4th, anywayssss, just calling you up-PP, talk witcha later
- tknabath: HEY, pumk....(machine cuts off)
- tknabath: HEY ...did you find out your ring size yet?? let me know....
- tknabath: HEY!!!!! (machine cuts off )
- tknabath: HAPPY 4TH of.... (machine cuts off )
- tknabath: (nothing)
- tknabath: (nothing)
- tknabath: (nothing)
- tknabath: HEY!! HELLLLLL-OOOOOH!!!! (machine cuts off)
- tknabath: just returning your call
- tknabath: hey, you must be out of town....... (machine cuts off )
- tknabath: (nothing)
- tknabath: hey, its david (machine cuts off )
He use to have a pattern. He'd call in the morning before work, he'd call when he got home from work. He'd call late at night, sometimes because of sleeplessness over obsessing about me (after all, I'm a 40 year old balding unemployed man, who can't keep his hands off his own balls in public, and who's sole ambition is to have ambition - quite a catch!); sometimes from just not getting enough you-know-what from those HOTlanta sex clubs he likes to frequent. OOPS, did I say that? Sure hope his Mom doesn't read this! He did mention the ONLY reason he doesn't do porn is that his Mom is anti-porn.
Well, since i've been having such bad luck getting any kind of date lately (not a SINGLE sleepover in 6 months!!) I just bought an air ticket to Atlanta to confess my UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION in person I am now ready to take the plunge!
cross your fingers for me!
Wednesday, July 04, 2001
Tuesday, July 03, 2001
Monday, July 02, 2001
last night a deejay saved my life
well, maybe not "saved" but he was good. Actually, in truth, what really turned me around, for the time being, anyway, was reading a series of "blogs" from another blogger over the past few days. He's going thru this tough time, and it sounds too familiar. But he's really articulate, and evocutive. Things i've felt, thought; am feeling, am thinking. I found myself crying, but not just in sadness, but in familiarity, like, "wow, this guy is speaking for me" - the pain and confusion of feeling so lonely, wondering if you'll ever feel better, ever find that "special someone" ,,,,,I dunno, I can't do him justice, so I won't try. I feel bad that he is feeling so bad, and yet, he seems like he has his shit together, and just needs to go thru it, for however long it lasts..... I hope he goes thru it quickly, he sounds like a really good guy......
meanwhile, it caused me to think alot. alot. I'm getting real tired, and bored, with my self-pity, and after spending 2 years of mourning over being dumped quite suddenly, by someone I still consider to be a wonderful man, I just wanted a little reprieve. I found myself answering an email from someone I was e-flirting with the night before, and I was not myself. I mean, I was a better version of my usual self.
I thought, he seems nice, his pics are handsome, he seems to have a sense of humor, go ahead, ask. So, i asked if I can see him, soon. Can I call now? we talked, nice guy, we are getting together tonight! He has to work today, so last night, after making the plans, we said bye. Then I sent an email, with a silly, semi-flirtateous pic. I guess he liked it, he emailed back, asking if I have ICQ, and a series of other computer e-mating features until he said Netmeeting. I have it, don't know how to use it, and told him as much. Within 5 minutes (i can be smart when i am motivated!) I was on Netmeeting, and he "rang". What a blast! We didn't do the e-jackoff thing, and i'm really glad. But he did show some really appetizing armpit, and we made each other laugh, and we are planning on having a simple beer, and talk, and just take it from there. We are both open to the idea that it doesn't have to be sex, but that that would be good, too.
so, why then, go out? Cuz, I needed noise, and sweat, and brain-numbing physical input. The first time I dove in, it was cool, but not great. He had a great body, great cock, nice balls, and slurpable pecs. But soon, he did the "grab anyone and everything" bit, and it was a bit of a turn-off (even in a backroom, i wanna feel "special") So I went back out front, plopped under a speaker, and noticed the music seemed very very good. Disco, but a good variety, all sorts of hard-hitting beats, just what the doctor ordered. I look to the deejay booth, and see that cute hunky boy, the one I've shared weed with, who never acknowledges me, and I thought "Look at him, he thinks he looks so cool back there, all hunky and fuzzy-chinned, just mixing in this next tune, and......WOAH" yup, suddenly, something inside made me stop (or something outside, like this huge speaker above my head!) and its Divine's "Native Love" (Step by Step) some mega mix. And i look back, and grin real, real wide and think ----- He IS FUCKIN' COOL!!!
...... moments later, with the beat still making my heart race, I am "back there" and this guy is standing on the couch, so his crotch is eye-level, and he's leaning against the wall, and the light is hitting his glistening pierced chest. And I look up, then turn, then turn back, and look up. He starts to unzip, and the music changes, and his very aromatic slab of meat is only a few inches from my mouth, when Sylvester starts wailing about something, and I don't hesitate. As the big chunk of metal hits my teeth, I don't let it stop me, and soon, his hand on the back of my head, the metal jewelry several inches past my lips, one of my hands on his ass, the other in my jockstrap, the light hitting us as we go at it, and yup, this felt mighty, mighty real.......
Sunday, July 01, 2001
** actual sex = "cumming while there is another male somewhere in the same room as you" (i've revised my defination from "both men cumming while in the same room" so as to alleviate SOME of the depression)