bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Saturday, April 04, 2009
(brings May flowers)

Come closer, tonight I'm lonely

(left of love dub)

the way it used to be

so i thought i was handling the anniversary rather well. "anniversary" feels misleading, as we associate that with stuff like wedding anniversary, anniversary of when we first met, first kissed, first fucked, first moved in; but this is anniversary of the breakup. i knew it was approaching, but somehow the yearly excitement, no, that's the wrong word, the RELIEF that spring is here (but yeah, some excitement, too) somehow was allowing me to be in an UP mood. all the clich├ęs applied to me, thinking of renewal, promise, new possibilities; i check on my four lilac bushes in thompkins square park each day for the past two week; i eased myself readily into that man's arms last weekend, gabbing and drinking more beer, brushing fuzzyfaces against each other; and even the rain's been making me happy (brings May flowers, i'd think and laugh); and then, the anniversary passed. I survived. i did not fall into my usual darkness, glum thoughts, second-guessing, kicking myself for what i did and did not do. i guess i was starting to come out of it, so each possible plunge into it i managed to fight, and what seemed to really help was that last week, I realized that I had missed last Spring. Spring is probably the only time I can count on for being able to snap out of bad moods quickly, and last year, I did not have that Season. Gosh, a year ago - weeks passed with me not telling anyone what had happened; my boss knew, eventually my best friend knew, but I told no one for weeks, then finally admitted to myself i needed help, and got some. been working hard on the habits i have that don't serve me well; struggled with what happened, what I could've done differently, and eventually accepting that there's no going back........ blah blah blah. and so, this week, i didn't just survive, but I was actually in a decent mood - even to the point that co-workers were asking why I wasn't Mr Grumpy in the morning (brings May flowers dancing in my head....).

but then..... heading South on 8th avenue with a co-worker (actually soon to be ex-co-worker) I had promised to take out for a goodbye beer. yup, who's heading up in the bikelane, passing by, a wave which I don't think I actively acknowledged.... sigh. I fought it, then finally had to get it out and my buddy listened patiently, and I got through and past the moment. out that night, drinking way too much, and heading back home, I seemed fine. i managed fine and enjoyed my friday off without much thought about the 3hundred60some days that have passed.

but then i downloaded this album. and had mindlessly played a tune or tune over the past 24 hours, but today as I purposely loaded all 11 tracks, a few tracks in, it hit me. not in a bad way, but a mild desire to share. He'd like this album, I thought. and even that was only a sort of melancholy thought - wish I could tell him about it, or send it to him, but better not, oh well. (a coupla years back, when I discovered he didn't have PSB's Bilingual, and even though our musical tastes aren';t that close, I was glad to get it for him and he fuckin' loved it!) but then I caught some of the lyrics, and the word ROME is in this album twice (we were supposed to go together - i still have my ROME FUND in a separate bank account - despite the economy, and the need to have a REAL vacation, I haven't touched it, it was for US), and then that song (the way it used to be ) hit me like a ton of bricks. IT'S JUST A SONG - and the lyrics don't quite match my feelings or situation, but they elicit some of what's gone through my mind over the past 12months.

but now, an hour has passed, I've typed and edited and uploaded and retyped and re-edited, and it seems like it may just pass. and while i know that drinking is not the answer, but it IS saturday night, and i do need to get out there, and get some air, and yes, that includes some beer, and maybe a smiling friendly face or two will come my way. or maybe i can be the smiling friendly face - who knows, it's SPRING and anything is possible (is this where i click my heels? brings May flowers will have to be my nam-myoho-renge-kyo, eh?)