bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Wednesday, September 14, 2005
doubts
thanks to the folks who wrote regarding my Monday post about having doubts. I spent all of Monday night at work depressed, contemplative, moody, and yeah, a little sad. But I think I've said this before - while all of that is uncomfortable, to say the least, it doesn't bother me so much THAT all that was going on. It matters more to me if the process of feeling that way helps me flesh out what is bothering me, and what can I do about it. AS one emailer pointed out (and thanks, if I didn't say so explicitly when I wrote you back) - it is not for me to decide if I am right for him, that would be his decision. I can only decide if he is right for me. Yes, of course. It just saddened me to contemplate that he could be concluding that, and those feelings happen when you have disagreements, etc. I do think that each of us, the BF and I, are actually both surprised at just how much we dig the other guy, and are both having trouble believing the other could possibly feel as strongly. So maybe I was indeed having the martyr complex (I love you SOOOOO much more than you love me, damn it!)

All the while I was at work Monday night, I thought of coming home and taking down Monday's post - too revealing, and more so, too revealing of another person. Some may laugh at that - how many times have I described intimate sexual stuff here? But emotions are just so much more important, and the sex stuff was invariably about some unnamed "trick" or date. Here I was revealing something about someone I care a great deal about, and wondered if I should be doing that. When I got home, I re-read what I wrote, and it seemed generic enough. I don't think I revealed anything, really, about him; and about me, well..... there ya go....

In other news: Yes, yes, I will post more pics linking to porno auctions soon, but meanwhile, there is stuff I just don't think I can sell, but am desperate to get out of my apartment. So, below is a list of books I just can't throw away. Anyone in the United States (sorry, international shipping is costly) who wants one or more of them just has to figure out the email link above, and tell me what you'd like. Go ahead and be so bold as to give me a shipping address, as I am going to the post office often enough that if you are the first to ask for it, and I can get it out of my apartment fast, it's easier and better for me.

  • With Malice Toward Women - Justin Kaplan
  • Hidden From History: Gay and Lesbian Past - Martin Duberman, et. al.
  • Life With Women & How To Survive It - Peck
  • Iron John - Robert Bly
  • An Arrow's Flight - Mark Merlis
  • Human Secual Response - Masters & Johnson
  • Soul Beneath the Skin - David Nimmons