bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
it's not that i don't like posting, it's just that i get more distracted than usual lately. good pic, fun song, and i get distracted from the background info, or funny story, or that video clip of gloryholes i promised some guy's boyfriend on some m4m4m4m4fun site. and to be frank, too many things just send me back into sadness and, well, let's just say something less fun than sadness. just the other night, i dig into the freezer, and scoop out a simple cupful of peach sorbet. how could that go wrong? but then, in my head, i hear him saying the simple word "peach" - referring to me, and it's his voice, in my head, saying one simple word in his soft gentle voice, and i get sad, then angry, then something else, wondering why I can't hear it for real, and all the other expressions and sayings that were "his" or "ours" that I no longer get to experience "live" but just in my sad, sad imagination.
and then there's thursday - gosh, last thursday was one of the worse in a long long time. probably because it was unexpected, and nothing actually happened, it just that i was a mess, and i don't know how i managed to not run home and hide in this room. but several times during the day i fled the workplace and tried to find comfort in the hot, crowded, smelly midtown manhattan streets. and then the two times i dodged into the men's room to have a good cry, and of course bursting into tears in front of a co-worker, and then the boss, trying to review my long long list (incomplete, because i got so overwhelmed) of "to do" items, got to see me, once again, tear up, and fidget, until he knew to let me be and quietly deal with it alone.... sometime after 7pm i made it home, while many of my co-workers had left for the holiday weekend hours earlier, and collapsed in this room, hoping i could make it through the weekend......
so, what have we learned? first, that my hopes of ending therapy anytime soon are dashed, not even going to a once-every-two-weeks schedule will do at this point. two, um, gee, what else have i learned? nothing. but - well, over the course of the weekend, i got a very nice, unexpected surprise - and it's due to actually having kept up on posting on this page. A reader happened to be visiting new york, saw the pic of the birdie on the Avenue A/6th street sign, and recognized it as being right in the neighborhood. to make a long story short, he emailed, i got over my fear of fearful things, and we met up, had a nice dinner, many laughs, and i got to not only meet someone new and nice, but get a glimpse of me not being a mess, and got some hope that that particular me is still in there somewhere, so it was a calming experience, to say the least. oops, time for shower, clothing, biking into midtown, and crossing my fingers that anxiety and despair don't visit today. this song, and that pic, obviously have nothing to do with anything, except to have something nice to look at, and something silly to listen to.