Another one of those restless nights - I keep waking up, roaming around the apartment, check e-mail, have something to drink from the fridge, wander back into the bed. Finally seemed to be in a good sleep, and had a dream. Fairly vague, of course, but some new bar, in a suburban bungalo-type house. It had a backroom in it's basement (surprised I dreamt about a bar with a backroom?) that you had to go outside to get to. And it was a fairly small one, with all the clutter of someone's overstuffed basement - broken chairs, strug-up Xmas lights that didn't quite work, etc. So, I have a beer upstairs, come outside, through a bit of snow to reach the basement/backroom, and am in there a bit, roaming around, and there are couplings and people standing, staring into space - but funny, nothing realy explicitly sexual, or at least I don't remember any body parts or actual sexual activity. So, as I am watching, my-most-recent Ex comes in, stands in the middle of the room, just sort of looks around for a few minutes, doesn't seem to see me, then leaves.

Just as in real life, in the dream my heart stops, and races, simultaneously. I can't decide what to do, so I let my legs do my thinking. They take me outside, where I quickly unlock my bike, hop on, and race in the direction I figure he must have gone, eventually getting to someone who turns out not to be him. Frustrated, I return to the bar (the upstairs BAR part of the bar) to have another beer, and feel foolish. I don't actually get a beer, cuz he's there - he's the bartender. Oddly, I don't see his face, I don't even look at him, I can just sense that it's him, and so I slowly move around the edges of the room, cat-like, deciding what to do. Soon I am outside, in the snow, thinking "he's the bartender at my new hangout! ferchrisskes, when will this end!!?" as I pace around in the snow, saddened, and frustrated.

A few minutes later, I am in the kitchen making coffee, sad, and thinking about the dream. I guess I should've known it was coming, I've spent most of the past 2 weeks in a pretty good mood, somehow putting aside my fears of going anywhere near an airport, and buying a ticket to see my family for Xmas, having a few days' worth of work to do, and other things that seem to have cheered me up. But, alas, my favorite Xmas was 3 years ago, with him. So, of course, how can I really get into this season without dipping into some of that emotion. We had gotten back together just after Thanksgiving, early December, and then decided to spend Xmas day together, him cooking a big meal, and all that. Meanwhile, I had gotten hit by a cab while riding my bike home from work - nothing too serious, just a fractured shoulder, arm in sling (yeah, wise guys, just the arm!). We even did shopping for the big meal together, me being completely useless, but having the time of my life, never having seen this side of him, this desire to make a big terrific meal. Some sort of old-fashioned stuffing for the turkey, tons of side dishes, etc. So, he carries 3 bags of stuff; and me just one bag on my one useful arm, on the subway. We wound up spending 3 nights in a row together, something we had never done, but it was easier for preparing for the big day together. He worked in retail, so worked Xmas eve, so I was home, under my lit-up Xmas tree ( I bought it the night before my accident, thank god!) and, with only one arm, I managed to make some great chocolate chip cookies (I don't even have a mixer, I just nestled the bowl in my lap, and did all the mixing, one-armed).

We met up early evening, me with my gifts, assigned last-minute kitchen stuff, and some tidbits of food, plus the cookies (well-hidden). See, we had developed this silly routine, where I would make cookies at home, and on a visit, I would hide a blue-lidded tupperware of them somewhere in his kitchen, and he would not find them til after I had left, sometimes, a day or two later. I'd get a phone call, maybe just an answering machine message, with him thanking me, usually with the sound of him eating a cookie while speaking. So, we had a nice Xmas Eve dinner, watched some t.v., had great sex, and fell asleep in each other's arms, me as high as a kite. During the night, I woke up, as I often do, did the bathroom thing, then went into my bag, and got out the cookies. I hadn't planned this, but it seemed silly enough, so....... I took out a small plate, put a couple cookies on it, and got a glass of milk. I drank most of the milk, and broke up one of the cookies to leave crumbs, leaving the dish and the glass on the dining room table, then went back to sleep. In the morning, he got up and out of bed before me, and I could hear him in the kitchen, getting the coffee ready. Suddenly, I hear him run into the bedroom, he grabs me, all smiley, and exclaims "Santa came! Santa came!"

Well, I think I'll be struggling with my Xmas mood swings well past the New Year. Monday afternoon I got some of my Xmas decorations down from the storage space. I didn't actually put anything up, but I have to admit, when I put the Santa hat on, I got sorta kinda happy, so I decided to wear it to work, and bring it to the company Holiday Party. I had many beers, several shots of some surprisingly smooth tequila, and took lots of pics of co-workers. The man to the right here is not a co-worker, he just happened to be walking by the restaurant during our party selling tacky Santa Hats (notice mine doesn't have flashing lit up stars on the brim - mine is quite, well, untacky). Somehow, around 2:30 my bike managed to get me home safely, even though I took a wrong turn and wound up at The Cock, but somehow sensible enough to know not to pay 5 bucks cover for a Monday night (I think it was their anniversary party, and may well have been worth it if I wasn't already one of those stumbling drunks we all know to avoid).

Yesterday was a long 9 hours working, kind of blurry, and today I was just heading back into bed at 12:30 in the afternoon, my mood back to a quiet contemplative sadness. But then a package arrives, looks like it's from my sister and her family - no doubt some sort of Xmas thing. Grrrrrr. I was really planning on spending the afternoon feeling sorry for myself, dammit!

so, I'm off to Chicago to celebrate Xmas with some very cool nieces and nephews, and brothers and sisters, and MOM ( who I know I'll be staying up late into the night with, gabbing and eating). Plus a nice Xmas eve with the extended family.

of course, you know that's me on the right (like I'd ever show my naked ass on the internet!)

oh yeah, another Xmas fave - this one from Jimmy Smith

Santa wears a jockstrap (and tube socks)

Navy Blue

"Would you like to put something in Santa's chimney?"

directed by: Francis Ellie (1979)

Starring: George Payne and Brian Ray (Santa) - this scene; also stars Jack Wrangler, Giuseppe Welsh (helicopter), Adam DeHaven, Kurt Mann, Snapper Foster, Derek Thurston, and Anna Freed

OK, despite quality concerns (which I was not able to overcome) I figured it was better to have a not-so-good pornoSanta clip than none at all. Hope you agree. The film itself has many memorable scenes - the blowjob in the helicopter flying over Manhattan is my personal favorites; but the Jack Wrangler finding George Payne under the Xmas tree with a big, red BOW (and the appropriate disco music and Xmas lights) fantasy scene is also pretty cool. This one finds George wandering around Manhattan, stumbling upon a Santa raising money for charity (not to worry, it's not a Salvation Army Santa, so you can enjoy guilt-free) who uses several awful double entendres to pick up sexy sailor George Payne.

Lesson #1: don't write about something that you want to happen just hours before, as it won't happen. Mr Right (aka burritoman) didn't show up for his wednesday burrito, goshdarnit. And to think that not only did I take a shower and wear my nicest black uniform shirt, but I also beaded and braided my beard. GRRRRRR.

So then, during a slower part of the work-evening, I realized that it's probably a bad time of year to ask some guy on a date, anyways. You can't do that 2 weeks before Xmas - too awkwark. You might not get that second date if one or both of you are worried about the gift-giving implications/expectations of a 2nd date prior to Xmas. And you can't have a date before New Years Eve, as there would then be the awkwark question of what each are doing on that silly holiday. Of course, then January rolls around, its too cold out to do anything, and before yo know it, it's spring and who wants to date when you just want to run around and smell the flowers and have sex in the bushes of the various Parks in NYC?

So, as I approach work, I see the big white truck parked across from the restaurant. As I cross the road, I see Eyebrow Man loading the truck, sleeveless shirt, arms full. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Trying to be nonchalant, I simply pass by, but he calls out "HEY!" -- and we do the good morning thing, he asks about my weekend, we stand out on the sidewalk together for a few moments, then we walk in to the restaurant together. Blah blah, he continues loading, I go to start my work day. A bit later, I am marking up the "specials" on the chalkboard, and hear a gruff "Hey" and it's him, standing behind the counter, and he asks for quarters for parking meters for the week. I count them out, and place them in his thick hand, he thanks me, and says "see you later." Ahhhhhh. Yup, still very handsome, and as he walks out, I watch the back of his nylon running pants slip down, revealing his blue jeans beneath; all that fabric as he's been loading the truck can mean only one thing -- delicious sweaty balls. Sigh.

He will no doubt be back later, but I decide not to ask about the Xmas party -- he'll be there or he won't, me asking just feels silly. He may just be a nice, good-looking str8 man, or he might be a nice, good-looking queerboy, but it's work, and I'm not up for complications. A couple hours later, he walks right up to me - "Hey, you going to the Xmas Party tomorrow?" then, "You bringing a guest?" I say yes to the first, no to the second, he seems perplexed and asks Why. "Boring restaurant humor, I wouldn't put anyone through that." The phone rings, a customer ordering delivery, I get a tap on the shoulder as I take the order, he smiles and waves good-bye. Hmmmm.

Some sort of sadness set in Monday evening, not long after starting work. Vague, but somewhat overpowering, the urge to cry out, or just cry, seeped in. It being a slow night didn't help, and my coworker "correcting" everything I did for the first hour didn't help either (she stopped after my witty, but increasingly sarcastic, remarks helped her realize she was overdoing it -- i.e., "if I had a nickel for everything I've fcked up since I walked in the door..."). And you know how it goes. Once the body tells you to be sad, the brain starts searching for why. The realization that I can't fit an Xmas tree in my tiny overcrowded apartment? No sex in how long? Eyebrow man is straight, but couldn't he have held off letting me know a bit longer? Few friends, who I see rarely. Directionless and inertia, in terms of finances and a more challenging job... "Would you like anything else?" Take the money, they leave, you go back to trying to get more depressed. Thoughts of the last time I had really good sex -- I mean bedsex that included sleeping together, waking up "here's your coffee" sex....

Then I wanted to go out. Drinking, hunting, searching. Of course, bike is broke, it's 20 degrees out, and it's a Monday night. Somehow, all that forced me to think, and thinking made me realize going home after work was best. Sex, if it was possible, wasn't going to do it; and affection was terribly, terribly unlikely. Any Day Now wasn't too sappy, thank god, the guac and chips were good; then Al Parker and Mike Davis helped me get some sleep. Tuesday was a day off -- some walking around the neighborhood searching for a belated birthday gift for my godchild, no luck except seeing that every trendy campy store has the same JESUS figure from Japan. What would Jesus do? (probably get all giddy about his goddamn upcoming birthday, no doubt, what with all the myrrh) I did some cleanup around the house -- ya know, a freshly washed kitchen floor can make you happy for about 2-3 hours! But it's okay, sadness, depression, blues, whatever you call it, it's a process. If you use it properly, you start to go over the stuff you need to go over, figure some stuff out, make a few small decisions to start with, prepare yourself for other, bigger ones (but don't ask, I haven't even begun to let myself think about those). I watched some videotapes I made about 2 years ago -- gosh, I used the Wish You Were Here album for a lot of whacking off clips! Actually, it was kinda cool, I kinda miss that buzzed head of mine - or maybe it just looks good in blue lighting.

The thoughts spin around, I realize there are a few things in the short run to do to help. Baking usually helps - it doesn't last long, as there isn't the "yummy" sounds from a boyfriend, coworker, or what have you, but the actual baking is therapeutic, makes me think. And the Bronx Zoo. Less than 3 weeks until my membership runs out, I always have a good time up there, especially during the off periods. And I can get some Xmas gifts for the nieces and nephews. But I miss affection, and sometimes wish I wasn't being so picky about sex these days. But other times I know that bad sex isn't always better than no sex, especially when sex isn't really the point. Contact is. And sex without the wonder and dreaming about who this is in front of me just won't do for now.

nice package

A very nice guy has sent me another box of goodies - the same guy who sent me a load of swimgear, etc., has just sent me some used, worn underwear. Naw, not exactly what you think, no "customization" other than the perma-bulge he's left from regular usage. Several name brands, stuff that ought to be fun for selling in the winter when I return to NaughtyBids with the stuff I can't sell on eBay. One item kinda surprised me - in my own reaction to it. At first I giggled while sorting through and seeing these teeny tiny shorts, but once I put them on - soft, well-worn cotton - I couldn't take them off! 20 years ago (and 20 pounds lighter) I could've gotten a job as a Fire Island House Boy in these, no shit. For now, they'll just have to do as sleepgear.

Speaking of auctions, I'm taking a rest for a few weeks, as I don't really like to do shipping and tracking down bidders as we get close to Xmas. That'll give me a chance to organize some stuff and be ready for selling in January again. I'm always looking for porn donations, of course, just email me if you think you've got something I want. Cockrings. Still have a bunch, any interest in one (or more), e-mail me with questions about prices, pics, etc. - they make great stocking stuffers! I love the 5-snap red leather one, very Xmas-y. (Nice folks get good deals, so don't be shy.)

thanks, etc

OK, before i get all mushy about actual people, let me be all crass and mention the stuff I got for Xmas: Simpsons 3-disc first season DVD (huge, fat, long, wet smooches to YOU, you know who you are!!); lots of chocolate from my family (along with cool clothes, gift certificates, and an honest-to-goodness effort to accomodate my NO-mammal/NO-bird eating habits - although my sisters kept teasing me about the BACON FAT content of every dish); new fantastic Russel Wright book from the current show here in NYC; a huge box of old porn magazines (tons of info there, plus some for sale on eBay now, as I type this - hehe); my Mom let me haul off a huge box of my DAD's drawings, spanning form the 50's to just a few years ago, when he died; some cool music cd's (some burned - you know who you are!); UNDERWEAR!!! - jockstraps, boxers, long johns, even some slinky silk longjohns!; home-baked cookies from the West Coast; even my cockring supplier gave me a new design to try out (anyone wanna help?); Jack Wrangler video of Dynamite (not only is it hilarious, but I've whacked off to it about 11 times this week!); calendar with 2 hot, embracing guys with the most lickable sideburns; oh yeah, my TEXAS RANGER badge (but remind me to stop wearing it out to the local bars...); several dirty (and, therefore, much appreciated) Xmas cards; and a whole bunch of other stuff I'll remember as soon as I hit the "publish" button

Maybe it's tacky to single people out (like being tacky has worried me in the past), but these 2 handsome devils - panchesco, and jocko - were really great with encouragement and advise early on in this blogging/website thing, and unlike many of my other crushes, many months later I still want to have their children, no matter how excruciating the labor is (ooh, octuplets would be cool - or was that a Simspons episode?), ...... and of course, my pal from Kansas (the state, not the band) who previewd all my "personal" videos before their general release (well, not exactly general release, but you know what I mean) and who has supplied me with tons of music, "props"for said videos, advice, and odd German-made Kitchen untensils......

and to think my mother used to worry when I was in college that all my pals were female - not to say that all these guys are pals (I can think of a few thinking, "who is this guy?") but still, I read their pages, and in the era of Oprah, that's enough for a relationship - akafrankgreen, andy, drub, chris, beau, hcl, john, jonno, keith, ron, queerscribbles, shadowy duck, dan, casey, sparky, adam - thanks guys for the dirty pics (of yourselves, and your loved ones), good reads, hilarious emails, late night whack-off sessions, cool downloads, instant messages, refreshing insights, arguments, fantastic links, forgiving my unsolicited email advise, giving me much-needed email advise, and a whole crapload more........

of course, i have a few "real life" friends, who don't have pages I can link to, but have put up with my absolute refusal to even look for a job for, OH MY, for 20 months! - by buying me dinners, giving me their old porn, listening to me rant and rave about the horrors of eBay, and feign interest when I talk about bloggers....... and there's my dearest friend, who I jokingly call my "80's boyfriend", who I dated for most of my first 9 years in New York, who has put up with shitloads of crap from me, who I've loved for 18 years, who did the most important thing any boyfriend can do, which is to not heap any expectations of what a boyfriend should be, but to nurture me into being the best version of myself that I could be, even more so in these many years after our break-up, thru this horrible autumn in NYC - (this is the part of the movie where I either change the channel, or get all weepy and can't look directly at the screen) - so I think I'll go now and work on those, um, what are they called? oh yeah, resolutions. Yup, I'll get right on that........

so, i got out, had 2 beers, but not before blogcrushboy sends me 3, count-them-three!, pics! one, shirt with beautiful cock pointing right at me shot, next with great smile and (niece/nephew) on lap shot, then, a silly pulling-up-the-shirt-see-my-hairy-nipples shot! - cynical BJ would be thinking "awww crap, how can i go out and drink and try to pick up some guy after seeing such a cutie" ...........................but.................. I haven't seen cynical BJ in hours! so, instead, I just grinned while I sloshed down those 2 beers, one courtesy of a pal I hadn't seen in awhile. And my buddy asked me if I had my Xmas tree yet; then said he was just telling another guy of when he and I met 12-15 years ago, we did the old slurp-slurp, slosh-slosh at my place, and, "done" he asked "should I turn the Xmas tree lights out" as we began to snuggle up for some sleep - and I exclaimed "NO!, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I like to see the lights on!" - I'm such a kid, sometimes........

sigh

After talking twice on the phone with the BF, and deciding that since it's cold and wet outside, we'd get together later. We had planned on getting up early and just spending some time outdoors, but I have being cold and wet. But then I just spent the last hour and a half on this site - Jeremiah's Vanishing New York - and think I need to take my camera (courtesy of BF at Xmas) and get outside!

Santa wears a jockstrap (and tube socks)

Navy Blue

directed by: Francis Ellie (1979)

Starring: George Payne and Brian Ray (Santa) - this scene; also stars Jack Wrangler, Giuseppe Welsh (helicopter), Adam DeHaven, Kurt Mann, Snapper Foster, Derek Thurston, and Anna Freed

This great scene from Navy Blue finds sailor George Payne wandering around Manhattan, stumbling upon a Santa raising money for charity (not to worry, it's not a Salvation Army Santa, so you can enjoy guilt-free) who uses several awful double entendres to pick up sexy sailor George Payne.

and enjoy the crappy Xmas music soundtrack!

Click one of the pics to view the movie trailer (you know that if you view the clip in the browser, you can "right click" and view it FULL SCREEN, right?), or here if you want to download and save for later.

music update: "Sleigh Ride, by Leroy Anderson. Then the "Ukranian Bell Carol" at the end.

has anyone noticed i am selling EVERYfu8kin bit o porno I have??

SPLASH SHOTS

(1984)

Starring: Kurt Marshall, Giorgio Canali, Brian Maxon, Jim Bentley, Kevin Jensen, Joe Cade, Tom Mitchell, Justin Cade

OK - so I exaggerate a tad - but Xmas is coming, had to replace a stolen bike, and teeth are falling out of my mouth, so gotta thin out the collection and get some $$$ into the bank account. And I realize I haven't been very talkative of late, and godknows I am worse than ever in terms of responding to, or even acknowledging emails, but ain't it nice I replaced my disc drive and can post video clips again??? ain't it?

Click one of the pics to view the movie trailer (you know that if you view the clip in the browser, you can "right click" and view it FULL SCREEN, right?), or here if you want to download and save for later.

Meanwhile, I'm selling on eBay, - auction item #180176958224, ends SUNDAY NOV 11th.

Xmas in NY

NAVY BLUE


"Christmas present....Christmas present....Christmas present...."

director: director: Francis Ellie (1979)

Starring: George Payne & Jack Wrangler; plus Brian Ray (Santa); , Giuseppe Welsh (helicopter), Adam DeHaven, Kurt Mann, Snapper Foster, Derek Thurston, and Anna Freed

Who can identify the disco music that kicks in just when Jack Wrangler's fantasy begins?

Click one of the pics to view the movie trailer (you know that if you view the clip in the browser, you can "right click" and view it FULL SCREEN, right?), or here if you want to download and save for later.

have you seen my santa?

as happens often, i was actually looking for a hairy butt shot to quickly post before heading out into the cold, but beautifully sunny saturday morning, but stumbled upon this in my Xmas folder. And the funny part of that is that I actually found this guy's blog maybe a week ago, and forgot to bookmark it. We were eBay/internet friends of a sort some years ago; he sold a wide range of stuff. so now, i can't figure out where his webpage is!

so, your assignment today is....

"I wanted CHA-CHA heels....BLACK ones!"

"I hate you, I hate this house, I hate Christmas!"

I guess it's a holiday tradition to re-run this post - Xmas 2007, 2006, 2005, and gosh from 2003!! - but c'mon, it's DIVINE, ferchrissakes! So, I hope you all enjoy this clip I snagged a couple years back from kweer.com's FEMALE TROUBLE pages.

"I wanted CHA-CHA heels....BLACK ones!"

"I hate you, I hate this house, I hate Christmas!"

holiday traditions are important, as I'm hearing from a good buddy regarding this clip - time to re-run this post - Xmas 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, and gosh from 2003!! - who knows, maybe i'll still be doing it in 2010! So, enjoy the BEST CHRISTMAS CLIP EVER that I snagged a couple years back from kweer.com's FEMALE TROUBLE pages.

"I wanted CHA-CHA heels....BLACK ones!"

"I hate you, I hate this house, I hate Christmas!"

I am well aware that this is a re-run post - actually re-run from Xmas 2006, 2005, and gosh from 2003!! - but c'mon, it's DIVINE, ferchrissakes! So, I hope you all enjoy this clip I snagged a couple years back from kweer.com's FEMALE TROUBLE pages.

Meanwhile, heading out of town with the BF so he can meet the family... the extended family, in fact! Merry Merry to y'all - see ya next year!

allneonlike

still spending too much time online while at home, but this weekend at least i spent a bit of time with some fun, silly, and yes, a tad bit of flirtaceousness (damn, knew that wouldnt get past spellcheck) - but, more fun was someone getting a bjork reference, which turned into searching out more bootleg-type remixes, and spent many fun hours listening to them while deciding whether to pull out the xmas decor - where's that Burt Reynolds pic? (No, not that one, i mean this one.

theme music for LEVI's 501's

Several of you guys have written since I posted the "Xmas in NY" clip from Navy Blue last week, identifying the tune for me - a big THANKS, and an even bigger SORRY I DIDN'T WRITE back and thank you. Was hoping to nab the tune from SOULSEEK and post it, got distracted with, well, life, but then this morning, another emailer sent the tune, so here it is - SPACE's mAGIC fLY.

Enjoy.