ex'd

I knew not to go to The Phoenix. I hadn't been to a bar all week, and it's been a good week, sex-wise (see below). And I rarely go out on Saturdays anyway. But my pal and his bf took me out to dinner, and wanted a drink, so I agreed to go. Within 10 minutes of being there I spotted the most-recent-X. I immediately got anxious, my heart beating faster, I felt trapped. I stayed in my little corner, allowing my pals to surround me, but eventually he caught me eye, we nodded/smiled an aknowledgement. To leave, or even go to the bathroom, I'd have to pass him, which would mean engaging in some lame conversation which I was in no mood for. I hate being forced into fake pleasantries, when I still feel so much anger, and resentment, and loneliness, and yes, craving. Eventually, he came over, said "hey" and kissed me on the cheek. After introducing him to the pals, and him asking me 3 times "what's up?" he made excuses about needing his sleep, and left (odd for him it was only around 11:30). Gosh, it's been 2fuckingyears! How can he so thoroughly change my mood, and make me think of nothing but him by just that simple peck on the cheek, the brief chance to smell him again, inhaling his wonderful mix of smoke, sweat, and hairiness? After he left, I was just stunned, unable to think or carry on a conversation. I tried some weed with Chris, to loosen me up again, but it just made me more insular, introspective, so I went home, attempted to do some dishes, and thought of nothing but the boy-who-broke-my-heart. It's been weeks since I had these thoughts, and I hadn't consciously realized why I had been in a better mood lately............

an hour or two of Lifetime television got me tired enough to go to bed for some restless sleep. when will this end?

too sleepy to think

Well, since the Roger pic (below, somewhere) went over so well, I thought I'd share another bikeboy pic. Seems as soon as I said I'd been getting "some" lately on this page, I stopped getting "any" (oh, wait, its only been 36 hours!) - well, regardless, entertain yourselves with some pages I've perused recently.

amigothornot

HOW TO: Rim

radical Penectomy

blowjob pillow

hairymusclebears

hanky code

ball stretcher

Big Jim

If i don't count Sunday, I've had really good sex 3 times this week! Gosh, maybe staying out of the bars does more for me that just saving a few bucks. The first 2 were "just" sexdates.

Monday night's guy, we had met the previous week at the Anthology Archives for the showing of Arch Brown's The Night Before. This is the guy who took a bunch of pics - some are ok, some not too flattering (prooving once again, you ought not take a pic of yourself getting blown, pointing the camera down towards your partner will ALWAYS make you look fat!)

Wednesday was a 2nd sexdate with a very nice Frenchman - (is that an oxymoron, or am I the moron saying that?). We met some weeks back on line, he came here, we had a real nice time. This time I rode my bike UPTOWN (22nd and Park Ave) to his place. Gosh, he's handsome, hairy, nicely muscled but not overdone........and very very tactile. Very nice hands, light touch. We spent a lot of time "after" just talking, touching, lightly kissing. He seemed sorta sad that I left, although he didn't say so. We didn't explicity say "let's do it again" but it would be nice, maybe even a stay-over.

Last night was a "real date" - dinner and all. We came back here, I loaded a few tunes on Winamp, and we hugged, and kissed, and joked and giggled - shit like that for awhile. Eventually I dragged him in the other room, loaded the Vespertine disc in the player, and buried my face in this hairy cute boy. But gosh, does my body ache today! I've been having back and neck problems the past few weeks, due to my internet addiction and basic lack of exercise. So, last night, as yummy as it was, doing the old lying-on-my-back, perched-on-my-elbows, slurping-on-his-balls as he squatted over me might not have been the best idea (well, it was the best idea, but you know what I mean!) - But he's got the softest body hair, I just couldn't keep my hands, or mouth, off him!

But, alas, he had to go home to Brooklyn - work in the morning, and more importantly, a dog to take care of. He has a share out on Long Island somewhere, but mentioned he may stay in the city for the weekend...... (hmmmm!) After he left, I looked at a few web pages, saw how late it was (time flies......) and went back into the bedroom, put Vespertine back on, opened the blinds to see the beautiful golden half-moon was just peeking over the building next door, lighting up my bed. So, I just snuggled up in the spot where no doubt dozens of his bodyhairs had fallen, and had those nice thoughts you have after a great night............

Today, I'm Diana Ross in Mahogany

Hmmmm, after reading this article (via Jocko - thanks) this morning, I've learned that I am a straight-acting straight guy. Or is that a straight-acting gay guy? Um, well, anyway, fortunately, by losing some weight and adding little details to my wardrobe, I'll be able to pass for gay when it is to my advantage. Phewwww.

But seriously, waking up and thinking "Today, I'm Diana Ross in Mahogany" is progress, eh?

nope, not gonna use some dopey title like "Roger and Me"

Lately, I've been very happy to see that my non-blog pages have been getting a fair amount of "hits" (thanks Google!)- My pornology,video collection,video wish list,and my Directors pages have been getting some attention - plus a bunch of emails asking for help identifying a porn star, or locating a video, that sort of thing. That's what I was envisioning for my website - a place to look for some of the gay porn stuff from the 70's thru the mid 80's, but not one of those adult video sales sights with pop-ups, inaccurate info (taken straight off the vid boxes), and well, all that str8 porn crap that creeps me out! I also hope to find more gay porn star shrines (not easy to find, without adult check and pop-ups!) - so if you have one, or know of one, let me know.

I got an interesting email the other day, from a guy who says I never answered his first email - he may be right, sometimes I simply forget, or sometimes, if the "subject" looks like one of those Yahoo spam mailings, I simply delete without opening. Anyway, he mentioned seeing my Wish List and that he might have a few of the movies I was looking for, with HIM in them, as well as asking me my advice on selling "used" underwear. I emailed back that there's not much money in the sales bit, and I didn't know who he was, so I couldn't say if I wanted videos. Writing back, he says he's Roger, the Roger (you know, discovered by Blueboy magazine , sexpartner of Jack Wrangler and Bruno). The guy also included pics (scans of video boxes) which seemed strange, since you'd think he'd have his own pics of himself. But the worse part is that I'm supposed to write him back, and I really don't want to be the one to tell him that he died in a car accident years ago!

my scheduled sexdate for Monday night went pretty much as scheduled. He stopped at one point at took out his




digital camera.

later, he served cake

After attempting to buy/find the new BJORK single earlier today, I gave up out in this heat. So, I've been spending the day looking at some porn videos I've been meaning to post on eBay. Not satisfied with just doing the old "here they are, buy them" since they are compilation tapes, (called New York's Most Wanted for absofuckinlutely no reason whatsoever!), I'm viewing them to see if I recognize actors, directors, original scene, etc. . I've already spotted Daniel Holt, Scorpio, Keith Ardent, and a great clip from Joe Gage's In the Name of Leather and another from Francis Ellie's fun Michael, Angelo, and David.

Gosh, I remember when the gay porn industry was getting a lot of heat about unsafe sex, profiting from sex but not encouraging safe sex in the movies or "giving back" to the community. Yup, most of them were a-holes, indeed. But there were quite a few performers who did try, like Bruno and Al Parker working in Ward 5B of San Franciso General Hospital, along side Richard Locke who came out of retirement to do live safe sex shows, as well as lectures and massage therapy in the mid 80's. Who can forget that amazing rim job by Al Parker in 1988's Turbo Charge , where he sexily unrolls Saran Wrap onto Justin Cade's ass before burying his face in there. Quite sick at the time, and after having lost his lover, Eric Stryker appeared in the PBS documentary, It Starts With A in 1987, not long before he died.

Can't tell you where I was going with this ... but yeah, I've seen ahelluva lotta porn, and I totally objectified these guys on the big screen, and then on my T.V. set, but I still think how they helped make me feel ok, good, in fact, to be queer, back when I was too young for the bars, but old enough to get into that dark Bijou Theatre on Wells Street in Chicago, sit back, and wonder if I could ever find a guy like Jack Wrangler, or be a guy like Jack Wrangler.....

to do list:

buy Hidden Place single

pay bills (damn rent due again!)

clean this pig sty!

DON'T blog about upcoming date, since that always always jinxes it!

i'm so close to tearS
and so close to
simply calling you up
and simply suggesting

we go to that hidden place

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches

I am very very very excited about the new (did I say very excited?) GARBAGE single, androgyny. Too bad it's not out until the end of September. Version 2.0 was great, of course. Alot of memories are associated with that album, because I purchased the first single, Push It to give to my boyfriend (who dumped me that first time before I was able to give him the disc, so I mailed it with a concise, yet suitably pathetic, note). The Boom Boom Satellites Mix is perfect for blasting real loud, and crying uncontrollably - I strongly recommend it. Nearly every song on the album sounds like they wrote it just for me, especially the Pretenders homage, Special (and the Brothers In Rhthym Mix that really annoyed the hell out of my neighbors for several months after the 2nd Breakup) yeah, he actually broke my heart 3 times.... you'd think i couldn't go a whole blogging week without mentioning that!

Meanwhile, no reason to leave the apartment today, except to check mail and confirm that it's way way too hot to be out there. Last night was fun, a bit too much to explain, since I am still comtemplating the MEANING of it all (yeah, I'm still naive enough to think sex with strangers has MEANING). And tonight, I have a sexdate lined up; but at least we have already met in person, and he lives not too far, so I anticipate it should be fun.

just 2 minutes ago I got an email from a pal in Kansas, mentioning a CD he's burning for me, and he casually mentions a few of the trax going on the disc. Now I must give some serious re-consideration into my late-night dope-smoking, as I had completely forgotten that one of the songs Mike mentioned was playing Thursday night, as I was flirting with this cute man. When The Slits' FANTASTIC version of I Heard It Through The Grapevine began playing, I made my interest in the boy abundantly clear by "mock drumming" all over his body during the whole fuckin' song, while mumbling something in his ears about how great my goatee would feel on his balls. Within a few minutes, we were on my bicycle, heading back to my apartment.

Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.

hot and humid here. Last night watched Gone with the Wind with 2 pals, but then I couldn't sleep. So, I watched a newly acquired copy of Roger Earl's 1977 (or is it 1975?) S/M film Born To Raise Hell. Very interesting, I must say. Not as intense as I had feared, but fascinating, nonetheless. Not much sex per se, but lots of smacking around, bondage, some w/s, etc. And while there were a few things I tittered at, (like the brief moment when one leather Daddy was riding his slave, sitting in a saddle atop the slave!), I must admit it held my attention without once resorting to the fastforward button.

Meanwhile, I did manage to dig up this pic of me from the fall of 1982.

pic I took last week of a "visitor"from a couple weeks back

woke up to the sounds of LOUD SALSA. apparently, there's a street fair on my block today. Just came from down there, it's failry lame...... each building is blasting their own favorite tunes, a few people have BBQ's going, and kids are running around in sprinkers, half naked, while cops hang out on the corner.

my pal MARK just called for us to go to breakfast. Last time I mentioned him here, he objected to me calling him "a fag" (yeah, i know, "But ya are, Blanche!") So, off to Kate's.

garbage trucks and tourists

ahhhh, New York in August! I should know better than to go out on a Weekend night, especially in August, but I couldn't sleep. So, around 2:30, I hopped in the shower (why, I don't know, i was heading to a sweaty, cigarette smoke stinky local watering hole), hopped on the bike, and spent enough time to chat with an old roommate, drink 2 beers, and salivate over about 6 different guys (none of whom returnded the favor). So, only moments before those deadly lights went on, I escaped, rode my bike for about 15 minutes to get some much needed exercise, then got a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Man it stinks out there! And the stumbing drunks, what a sight, trying to wave down cabs while smooching with whoever they just met 5 minutes ago (although, one of them yelled out that I was a sexy biker!). So, grocery store, grabbed some Urban Jumble, guaranteed to make the hangover real, real painful - chocolate ice cream mixed with coconut icecream, plus white and dark chocolate chunks, pecans, and roasted almonds.

The music is slowly coming back to me: Human League's The Things That Dreams Are Made Of; Peaches' Dittle My Skittle; White Stripes' I Think I Smell a Rat; Yoko Ono's Walking On Thin Ice (my pals were arguing over whether it was Nina Hagen)

Like fun and money and food and love
And things you never thought of

These are the things
These are the things
The things that dreams are made of

New York, ice cream, TV, travel, good times
Norman Wisdom, Johnny, Joey, Dee Dee, good times

(Repeat chorus three times and fade)

i think this is where i talk about the guy who I was supposed to have a "date" with, who couldn't even remember who I was when I called to confirm. Sort of an ego-buster, eh? But, having hit the low part of the day early in the evening, when I did go out last night at 2am, I wound up having a nice time. My "new friend" left at 6:30 this morning, poor thing had some sort of board meeting, or whatever it is that working people do on Friday mornings..... I remember some great music, lots of people I hadn't seen in awhile, and my "new friend" is, in fact, not so new. I've known him for many years, more-or-less, as a bar-buddy. We're connected in several ways, each having a closer friend who is the connection - most notably, my most recent ex is an ex of his. Also, he dated a good friend of mine's ex, and I think he dated, briefly, an exfriend of mine, many years ago. So last night, we didn't mention any of that, even having to reintroduce ourselves to each other. (we had been chatting quite a bit before one of us admitted to forgetting the other's name, but neither could remember).

I mentioned that the last time I saw him was 2 years ago, in the same bar, and I was hitting on him. This was my half-assed way of hitting on him again - the old "gee you turned me down way back when" trick, to see if he had any interest. While there was much light body touching and whispered "I love this song"'s, not until a pal of mine offered to buy us drinks, and "new friend" said he'd simply share my Rolling Rock, did I realize I was "in"

Being a typical male, I have no new lines, or new approaches, so when he said "wanna get out of here" and we got to the sidewalk, of course I used the same old line as I was unlocking my bike "Can I ride you home?" He laughed nervously, but with a big smile, so he got on the seat, and somehow I dodged the cabs and potholes, getting us home quickly but safely, and soon we were making out. Great kisser, much better than I had anticipated, and as I started to check out under his shirt, I found a nice surprise. Hairy mutherfucker! I mean HAIRY MUTHERFUCKER!, including his back and shoulders, and he smelled great, intoxicating, even! I won't go into details about the sex (who cares about that, anyway?) but after quite a bit of wrestling around on the futon, we collapsed, and it seemed like we were gonna snuggle up and catch some sleep. Here is the dangerous part.... he felt real good sleeping right there, arms wrapped around me, snoring lightly, head tucked in my neck, the smell of sweat, and hair, and tobacco, making me a little higher than I already was.....

When he got up to leave, he did it slowly, with some light body carresses, and some kisses, and we both were still a bit drunk (we had left the Cock only 3 hours prior), and as I stood in the hallway with him, me still naked, he grabbed me one last time, giggled and said "call me" and fished out a card, leaving it on the table. Gosh, I don't want to think about the complications of all those connections we share, just want to have that warm fuzzy body in my bed again... we'll see.

Dread Love

I think I can trace it back to Atlanta, 1982. When dance music for me became more than just punk and new wave. I was going to college in Mobile, Ala, and a good pal had invited me to spend Thanksgiving break with him and his "cool" sister in Atlanta. When we got to Atlanta, I discovered that she was "cool" to Pete because she had a gay roommate, was a fag hag herself, and while Pete was str8, he knew that I could use a break with some "cool" folks, as our campus had very, very few out gay folks. Pete was affectionately known as Peter Tosh, his favorite person in the whole world. Pete was blond, from D.C., very low-key and kept to himself, smoked lots of dope, and listened to nothing but reggae (although he tolerated my taste for new wave and punk - esp. The Clash). 2 years younger than me, he was very protective of me all the previous semester when the "news" spread that I was queer, and so this fall term, we hung out alot. One night, they were all tired, but they insisted I go to the local gay club, it was within walking distance. Haven't the foggiest idea the name, or if it's still around. It looked and sounded typical: lit up dance floor, flashing lights, over-dressed guys, and annoying thumpy screaming-female-vocal disco music. But I grabbed a drink, and headed upstairs to a sort of cat-walk/balcony view of the dance floor.

Up there, across the way from me, was a tall, handsome man, who seemed to be eyeing me. He had long, very curly, just past the shoulders beautiful brown hair. I was surprised I found him attractive - I mean, he had a great, strong face, and a slim, nicely built body, but long hair usually turned me off. But his was amazing, not frizzy, not in one of those short-on-the side long-in-back cuts (i had one the following year, god!), but just a beautiful, think head of curly long hair. So, I stared back, and eventually, we each cracked a smile. The smiles continued, but neither of us made a move towards the other. Then, the music seemed to change, starting off with some fakey thunder noises, and some cheesey female voice-over, as people from all over the club started squealing, and rushing to the dance floor, arms waving frantically and screaming. I looked at my companion quizically, he made a vague gesture, and we both dashed to the stairs, met, and ran down the stairs together, onto the dance floor. We made a funny-looking couple, as I was still wearing my grown-out Mohawk, and of course I couldn't dance worth shit. But the dancefloor was so crowded, and everyone was so fuckin' enlivened, and the Weather Girls were belting out It's Raining Men like mad - so, dispite my inability to put one foot in front of the other properly, I let loose, and danced, and laughed, and even got a few kisses from this handsome man.

The song seemed to last forever, but in a really good way. As it began to fade out, we were hit hard with a completely different sound, one that I had heard only once before in public, in San Francisco the previous summer. Icouldn'tfuckinbelieveit! Nina Hagen's Dread Love was blasting, and while a few people left the floor, most stayed, and continued dancing like mad......

At some point we left the club, this guy (i have no idea his name) walked me home, and I offered to smoke a joint with him. Getting back to Pete's sister's apartment, I ran upstairs, and quietly woke Pete, to ask for some dope. He grinned as I explained I met someone, and we were gonna hang out outside. He readily handed me his baggie with papers, and I returned to curly-hair man. We only had a few hits, and began making out. This went on for awhile, and the music was still playing in my head as our crotches were grinding together, the sky was getting slightly lighter, and our hard-ons eventually exploded inside our pants. We stopped soon after that, giggled like kids, and he said he really had to get home.

The following day, as the sister and her roommate tried drilling me for info on what my night was like, Pete was quietly happy just to see me smiling to myself all day.

don't forget, tonight at 7pm, 32 2nd ave, Anthology Archives presents The Night Before

I was locking up my bike as the two guys walked past me, into the all-night deli. They were both bigger, muscular, short hair, tattooed arms, and these punksorta tee-shirts (Agnostic Front?). I just wanted some Chipitos, so I walked in, as as I passed the one guy getting beer out of one of the case's he looked at me, my t-shirt, then back at my face and said "What, are you some sorta fag?" Grinning, , I said "Smile when you say that, mister." He smiled, grab the back of my head, and we started making out right there in the freezer section.

He said it again. The clerk said "that's $3.98, sir." "oh, sorry" as i pushed a twenty across the counter. Alone in the store with just the 2 Koreans clerks, "Wish You Were Here" playing on the radio, I tried calculating how much acid I did in college................