Sunday, August 12, 2001

I knew not to go to The Phoenix. I hadn't been to a bar all week, and it's been a good week, sex-wise (see below). And I rarely go out on Saturdays anyway. But my pal and his bf took me out to dinner, and wanted a drink, so I agreed to go. Within 10 minutes of being there I spotted the most-recent-X. I immediately got anxious, my heart beating faster, I felt trapped. I stayed in my little corner, allowing my pals to surround me, but eventually he caught me eye, we nodded/smiled an aknowledgement. To leave, or even go to the bathroom, I'd have to pass him, which would mean engaging in some lame conversation which I was in no mood for. I hate being forced into fake pleasantries, when I still feel so much anger, and resentment, and loneliness, and yes, craving. Eventually, he came over, said "hey" and kissed me on the cheek. After introducing him to the pals, and him asking me 3 times "what's up?" he made excuses about needing his sleep, and left (odd for him it was only around 11:30). Gosh, it's been 2fuckingyears! How can he so thoroughly change my mood, and make me think of nothing but him by just that simple peck on the cheek, the brief chance to smell him again, inhaling his wonderful mix of smoke, sweat, and hairiness? After he left, I was just stunned, unable to think or carry on a conversation. I tried some weed with Chris, to loosen me up again, but it just made me more insular, introspective, so I went home, attempted to do some dishes, and thought of nothing but the boy-who-broke-my-heart. It's been weeks since I had these thoughts, and I hadn't consciously realized why I had been in a better mood lately............

an hour or two of Lifetime television got me tired enough to go to bed for some restless sleep. when will this end?