raining, but
cockrings
joints
money
need to get face-fucked..........

'nite

sundays

the thing I like about sundays are that I am more relaxed. Since I almost always go out Sunday night, planning/hoping to be a bit slutty, I can relax during the day, be a bit less obsessed about sex. Sure, the AOL chatroom is on, and I do respond to those occasional Instant Messages, but knowing I want to save "it" for later, I rarely take them seriously.


Steveclickak47NY [1:20 PM]: hi
Bjland [1:25 PM]: hey man
Steveclickak47NY [1:25 PM]: hi
Steveclickak47NY [1:25 PM]: u bi are gay
Bjland [1:26 PM]: um, your profile says you are looking for a "dream girl"
Steveclickak47NY [1:26 PM]: yup
Steveclickak47NY [1:26 PM]: are u bi
Bjland [1:26 PM]: sorry, not a girl here
Steveclickak47NY [1:27 PM]: are u
Steveclickak47NY [1:27 PM]: hello
Steveclickak47NY [1:28 PM]: ok bye then


I already got an email today from a guy who wants me to wear this leather cockring I have, get it a bit worn, and mail it to him. Cool. Inspriation is always helpful, so let me slip it on now, as I tease myself (nope, won't cum, I'll save "it" for later) by watching The Best Of Colt Films Part 3 - that "solo" scene with Al Parker is pretty good (he's sorta solo, these hands come from nowhere as he jacks off in this car) but of course the scene with Bruno and Clint Lockner (has Clint Lockner ever appeared in porn without being a cop?) is the one that usually gets me rock hard. Last night, it was The Come On with Mickey Squires and Jack Hacker that pushed me over the edge......

noon, phone rings "We're having brunch, you coming?" "No", I say flatly. "No?, but we're having brunch!" "No", the whole concept of looking for clothing, money, and finding the door is repugnant to me right now. Gosh, only one beer at 3 a.m., giving up on watching porn. Maybe there's something in Bart Simpson's Guide to Life to guide me thru this slow-moving day.

sat night in nyc. bored, horny, and all those pics from "architectman" got me all hot and bothered (sorry, he didn't give permission to share). Memorial candles removed from Thompkins Sq Park (I guess we're moving on). Observation Deck at Empire State Building re-opened to huge crowds.

who's for dinner, er, what's for dinner?

morning coffee, Vespertine in the background, AOL chatroom, looking thru my CD's to find more stuff to sell off, and wishing some big-dicked man would walk in and hold me tight as we fall asleep in each other's arms............ (gee, you'd think the size of his arms should matter more than his cock, but...)

also thinking "Sex and Silliness Sundays" should be a new weekly feature, where I discipline myself (having trouble finding a guy who will discipline me, so gotta do it myself, *sigh*), where I discipline myself not to write about IT, but just about porn (you know, gay porno-crazed ramblings, and all), sex (real, imagined, and hoped for), and music, and maybe food (I love food...in fact, I love kicking a trick out of my house as soon as he's cum, so I can get to the Ben and Jerry's, Paul Newman popcorn, etc etc)

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

Armageddon Days Are Here (Again)

Watching the 700 Club last night, Pat Robertson explained that Muslims believe they must convert all Christians, dead or alive, and so yes, this is a holy war. I wonder if the folks in the Mideast are getting CBN (Christian Broadcasting Network) shows, and thinking we're all like that, just as many folks here see the anti-American demonstrations in Afghanistan, Pakistan, etc, and assuming all folks over there hate us. Ughh. If you go to the CBN website, you can buy books like Witchcraft in the Pews: Who's Sitting Next to You? (how's that for paranoia?), and the truly informative Inside Islam: Exposing and Reaching the World of Islam (let's convert the heathens!)...... so, forgive me if I'm a bit paranoid about any "religious" types, and turn to old tunes like The The's Armageddon Days Are Here (Again) for consoling:

But if you think that Jesus Christ is coming
Honey you've got another thing coming
If he ever finds out who's hi-jacked his name
He'll cut out his heart and turn in his grave

Islam is rising
The Christians mobilising
The world is on its elbows and knees
It's forgotten the message and worships the creeds


Armageddon Days Are Here (Again) is a great song, go ahead, click it, listen, and use up all my Geocities free bandwidth (or pull out your own copy of The The's MIND BOMB, or go to www.audiogalaxy.com and download it yourself)

p.s. extra credit if you can identify the song that Matt Johnson is parodying with his intro: Are you ready Jesus? (uh huh) Buddah? (yeah) Mohammad?(Okay) Well allright fellas, LET'S GO!

Penistry of the Puppet

he left just after 5 a.m., he was French, and he said everything really really loud, like "C'mon, sit on my face!", genuinely making me worry about waking the neighbors. But neither of us were able to, ahem, "rise" to the occasion, so we just laughed and goofed around til he realized he had to get home and crawl into bed with his boyfriend before the sun came up....

while I try to remember other details from Thursday night, (like some penis puppets earlier in the evening) feel free to look at my eBay auctions - don't worry, it's just mostly music-oriented stuff, cd's and stuff like that.

From Daily Dean, an excellent link to NPR's Weekend Edition take on the recent Falwell/Robertson thing

despite all the talk about sex, I just couldn't respond to this guy without being mean, so I didn't answer him:

Thong bulgenyc [1:37 PM]: hey im alex in tribeca in a crotchless thong

I mean, a thong is bad enough, but what the hell is a crotchless one, just a waistband?

tuesday night

It looked like I was getting somewhere in the chatroom.... some guy immed, we did the preliminaries (where are ya, what you like doing, etc) I already had his pic from some previous attempt, and he had a handsome, well, more importantly, a kind face. I didn't mention that, thinking it could be too scarey to hear "I want you to take me in your arms and hold me and help me forget for a little while"....... While not commenting on the pics I sent, he sent the same face pic that I already had, and then an additional one of his "equipment", which looked more than adequate. But it seemed to fizzle when I told him I could be there in 25 minutes, taking a shower first. I left the computer on while I bathed in the hot comforting water, knowing he was no doubt searching for someone else, or getting ready for bed.

Getting dressed, I immed him again, and he was going to bed. I had already decided I needed to get out of the house, and the Phoenix has their 2-for-1 drafts, so that was the back-up plan. Leaving the apartment, I saw our 5th St memorial looking it's most pitiful, and I stopped, and only for the second time in the past 2 weeks, I lit some candles. I don't know why, I just couldn't do it in public before, somehow the implicit pressure to do it made it feel less genuine for me, and here I had the opportunity to have a quiet moment, out in the fall night air, and struggle with the cheap candles and get a few lit, tuck them safely inside the cardboard box contraption that had flags, notes (some I agreed with, some were clearly too harsh and vengeful), and markers to add your own thoughts. I got up, started to hop on the bike, and found myself mumbling tersely "why can't you just find one person down there, give us one small thing to celebrate, be happy about?" Yeah, my eyes were full, and when I got to the corner, I briefly considered going south, towards the "frozen zone", but I didn't want to be alone, and I even thought that maybe it could happen while I wasn't looking - not glued to the tv, not circling the lower part of Manhattan, that I could be selfish and drinking myself stupid and someone would run into the bar with the news.....

Well, the first beer went quickly, I chatted with one bar-buddy, then moved myself over to an isolated spot, partially to get a better view of a cutie, partially to not have to talk if I didn't want to. Some things never change - the two boys I found most interesting-looking wound up together, snuggling and stoking each other's bodies. I didn't even have the energy to be jealous or envious, just, "oh well" One more beer, some sad sounding song on the jukebox played, and I struggled to memorize the name so I could find and download it today (Pissing In The Wind, I think?). The Cock was darker and louder, and I started to look for a spot to sit and light up a joint. This handsome guy was looking at me, staring actually, and then a smile (or was that gas?). I didn't even notice that sitting near him was someone I knew, who called out, and motioned me over - giving me the "excuse" to be able to sit next to the guy. He immediately leaned into me, and my hand went to his shaven head, rubbing it firmly, and then his head was in my chest, as both my hands were touching him. It felt real good to be affectionate, to feel like I was reaching out. But he was real drunk, which, in a way, was good. It made me decide real fast that I didn't want to go home with him, just sit and enjoy the chance to be physical, to be less insular. He eventually suggested we leave, and I begged off, saying I was too drunk (I wasn't, not yet, anyway). He didn't argue, he just pushed his head back into my hands, saying all I needed to do was rub his head, and he'd be happy. For a while, this was fine; but soon it occurred to me that it wasn't a mutual thing - I mean, we were affectionate with each other, but it was more "simultaneous" than mutual - which can sometimes be fine, but not last night; my thoughts were elsewhere, sad, overwhelmed. He soon detected I wasn't doing so well, and asked what was wrong, and I thought several not-so-nice replies, none of which I used, thank-god. I simply told him it's complicated, nothing personal. Not immediately, but eventually he decided to leave, gave me a big kiss, but not before attempting to pull my pants down and chew on my stuff (confirming my gut feeling earlier that going home together would be a bad idea).

Finally I was able to smoke some pot, alone, and sit and think, and be sad in public, in the dark, with loud music. But even the disco music got to me when Machine's "There But For The Grace of God Go I" began playing. Somehow, I had for 2 weeks not felt, at least consciously, concerned about myself, my own safety. Then I began thinking about the first ACT-UP demo I had gone to, back in 1988 or '89, at City Hall. The issue that day was that there weren't enough hospital beds for PWA's, and so they were demonstrating with bedsheets, the theme being "Here Are the Sheets, Where are the Beds?" I say "they" because I did not yet consider myself a member of the group, but showed up to observe. I quickly joined in, though, and got matched up with a guy so we could carry a sheet together. After 20-30 minutes of circling, and shouting slogans, at City Hall, one of the "leaders" instructed us that in a few minutes, we would be lying the sheets down on the ground, lying on top of them, and continue the chant: Here Are The Sheets, Where Are The Beds? Sounded like a great idea, and on the signal, we did it. But once on the ground, on that sheet, shouting the chant, I couldn't distance myself any longer; it wasn't "they" it was me, my friends, my boyfriend. I continued shouting thru the flood of tears, truly worried, and upset.

A guy came over and sat down next to me on the bench at the Cock, waking me from my thoughts. He soon asked me to smile, and didn't seem to like my answer that it isn't done on demand, it has to just come. He asked what was wrong, and I thought to myself, "why am I getting hit on tonight?" - and I just gave him my new standard answer - "it's complicated" . He said that if I knew what he'd been through over the past few years (blah blah blah, I zoned out) trying to give me advice. I tried to say without snarling - "Sounds like that's working for you, and sitting in the dark with loud music, not smiling, is working for me right now" I didn't think I ought to be apologizing for moodiness; I mean, did I have to say the obvious??? I didn't have to say the obvious, he kissed me on the cheek, and fled to the other side of the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but why couldn't he see that my feelings were valid, too? Jeez, can't you at least pretend to remember there are 6 or 7 thousand bodies down there, as the smoke continues to rise, the workers continue to toil, and we continue to freak out in our own, individual quiet ways?

I haven't been there that late in awhile, where they actually had to kick us out, and I hopped on the bike, full of beer, but the bike knows the way home, safely. I passed the 5th St memorial, one of the candles still burning. Sometime after 4 a.m., I passed out on the couch, after turning on the news, and seeing that the world was still horribly the same.

gosh, having that kid's pic here is really troubling to me, it really saddens me. I remember in 1972, so worried about Vietnam, and Nixon's re-election. I went with my Mom to vote that day, for some reason I needed to actually see her vote for McGovern. And I cried myself to sleep that night, not understanding why anyone would vote to continue the war.... I was 11.

the stuff you find on eBay...........



FAMILY 4 PACK

vote early, and vote often

I'm very proud to have grown up in Chicago, where that was the unofficial Democratic Party slogan. Earlier today, after weighing carefully the candidates for mayor, I went to the nearly empty polling place, and had 3 people try to figure out how to let me vote. Only one of my assigned helpers was over the age of 82, a refreshing change, until I realized the guy saying "which Fitzpatrick?" couldn't tell that there was only one Fitzpatrick on his list........ ( I guess Ferme and Franklin look alot like Fitzpatrick).

• Hevesi - "I'd be willing to delay my inauguration as mayor if I'm elected" ("gosh, it sure looks like a tough job, maybe I don't really want it")
  
• Green - "if elections could be held during the Civil War, they certainly could now" (how old is this guy, anyway?)
  
• Vallone - "all those photo-ops with the mayor down the toilet" (but I'm still city council president, and there ain't gonna be no 3rd term!)
  
• Ferrer - "I wonder if having Al Sharpton speak for me these past 2 days was a good idea?" (but maybe the geeks seeing I use a FLASH splash page on my website will be impressed)
  
• "I would urge them to vote if they want to," - Giuliani ("yeah, yeah. I used to support term limits...")
  
• NONE OF THE ABOVE - ahhhh, old reliable, my all-time favorite candidate; worked for me in 1996 (oh wait, I wrote myself in, and boy did those old ladies have a fit!) --see ya at the run-off Oct 11th.

VOTE FOR ME, STUPID!

Last night was fairly typical of a Sunday Night out at the Cock, with some minor variations (the host trying to drag me onstage to lick the go-go boy's ass, and ripping my t-shirt as I resisted, was, I guess, a bit different) ..... but since Tuesday is our primary day here in NY (postponed for 2 weeks because, well, you know..) I thought I'd share what is really pissing me off.

Politicians telling us we are wasting our votes if we write-in Mr Giuliani! Now, before 2 weeks ago, I would never have imagined voting for the man, and, to tell the truth, 2 days ago, I never would've considered it, either (just ask my friend Dan, who I screamed at on the phone, like so many other overly emotional discussions I've had in the past week). But watching these guys get on television and have the arrogance to tell voters that regardless of their feelings, emotions, and intentions, voting for him would be a "waste" - how dare they! I had intended to vote for Mr Green, but seeing his puney face explain not why HE DESERVES my vote, but rather if I have reason to vote for someone else, it's a waste. Granted, these guys need to be arrogant, they need to think they know better than everyone else in order to lead, I suppose. But you don't lead by insulting the people who you hope to win over, and represent. We all vote based on emotion, in my thinking. Like the old "lesser of two evils" argument we got last year around this time to get us to vote for Gore (yeah, vote for evil, great campaign slogan) - that was FEAR. Or the guy I'm planning on voting for in the city council race, Hoylman, smart, hard-working leftish queer man - yup, that will be HOPE - hope that a few more queers in office, who get results, will make the city a bit better. And voting for Guiliani?? I wouldn't pretend to speak for anyone else, but that too, for me, would be HOPE. Hope that even assholes like Bush, Hatch, Scalia, Powell, etc etc etc could possibly evolve into caring, nurturing leaders who set priorities that value human life (safety, freedom to dissent, etc) over money, commerce, property.......

yeah yeah yeah. I voted for Barry Commoner for president in 1980 , and sometimes I write myself in, and sometimes I don't vote at all, so don't listen to me. But I do spend a lot of time deciding whether to vote, and who to vote for, and I don't think I should listen to some arrogant SOB telling me the value of my choice - if you choose to vote, make sure it expresses what you want it to, not some sorry-ass scared weanie who thinks some write-ins might hurt his chance at getting a new $195,000/year job.......

sex and silliness

as I strapped on a leather cockring before heading out the door to do some errands, I realized my supply was running low. Since I was gonna be up at Union Square anyway to do some banking (which credit card has an available balance?), I decided to stop off at the 14th and 3rd avenue "buddybooth" porn shop. I haven't been there in over 2 months, but the guy behind the counter smiled as soon as I came in, and as I approached, he asked if the wholesale guy had contacted me. I had asked this guy for a discount (half-jokingly) so many times, that he had taken my name and phone number and passed it along to his distributor. And the guy did call me, but I couldn't find the scrap of paper I had written his address down on, to get a catalogue, so my friend behind the counter looked and found it for me. I couldn't tell you if he's Indian, Pakistani, or what, but he always has a smile for me, and enjoys my teasing about how prices have gone up, or how I miss the elastic cockring they used to sell (it was great!) So, while i was there, I bought a new leather one (to replace the one I'm wearing today, as someone just emailed me he needs a worn-in one), plus the "donut" - a foam rubber c-ring, one snap, lightweight, and it give a nice lift to your package. As I realized I was in the way of the guys who needed change for the buddy-booths, I said goodbye to the sweet porn merchant, another reason I love this town.

shameless plea to look at my eBay auctions - don't worry, it's just mostly music-oriented stuff, cd's and stuff like that.

sex and silliness

damn, I must say, A Night At The Adonis is an awesome film - that Jack Wrangler and Jayson MacBride are fantastic. And this morning? Well, when Master X immed me "Morning Boy" I just couldn't. I mean, I feel really really silly typing "yes sirs" and "may I sirs" - sure, you wanna come over and drop your balls in my mouth, no problem with the "may I have more please, sir" then; you wanna hold my head in your hairy crotch and force me (ha!) to gobble up your hard cock, and beg you "Please sir, shoot your load on my undeserving hairy chest" - NO PROBLEM! - but I just can't get into it thru the keyboard and monitor, I'm too aroma-oriented for that - I need to smell your sweaty balls before I can be the "good boy" kneeling, greedy, grateful cocksucker that you want me to be, ya know?????

celebrity endorsements

(so, I finally figured out how to do a day's worth of blogs chronologically; i just had to hit that "chronological within the day" button - hmmpf)


well, if Gordan Grant says I should try Locker Room, then I think I'll run out and get myself a bottle before I head to the Cock for my Sunday Night out. Actually, I doubt I'll buy any, but I will be out, since I've decided Sunday will be SEX AND SILLINESS day for me - nothing here will be about you-know-what - just porn, sex, smoking dope, drinking beer, jerking off to those new porn videos that came in the mail this week ( GAGETAPE copies of Kansas City Trucking Co. and El Paso Wrecking Corp.; Arch Brown's Harely's Angels , Steve Scott's Gold Rush Boys and a previosuly unheard of early 80's film, We'll Meet Again ).


All I have to do is see if I can squeeze a few bucks out of a cash machine, roll a couple joints, and pick out a good jockstrap - so, if you happen to be out at the Cock Sunday night, just stick some poppers under my nose, and I'll be sure to show my appreciation........... meanwhile, I just remembered I also got a good copy of Jack Deveau's classic A Night At The Adonis, with Jack Wrangler.

I wasn't going to mention it, but glad someone has. I felt funny tittering everytime he said it, but since I'm still fuckinfreakinout, I figured some Prez-inspired silliness was ok.