Wednesday, January 07, 2004

New Year's Resolutions For Roommates

How lame are New Year's Resolutions, anyway? I'm still working on my solo (I think I mean sole, but as it turns out, boo-hoo, it's also solo) resolution (ewwwwwww! lube on the keyboard!) as I write this. But I was thinking that vowing to lose weight, slowing down on drinking and anonymous sex, bringing down my credit card debt, and being kinder to strangers were things that wouldn't last much past February. What might prove more interesting would be if those of us who live in these tiny 3-room Manhattan apartments tried to make our miserable living conditions a bit more, ya know, livable - by giving the roommates a few tips on how to be better housemates.

  • No more cologne! Egad! Why do you have to douse yourself with that stinky shit everytime you take a shower?? If you really think that pouring bluish-green elixir on your body helps your sexlife, do it after you have left the building, preferably on the other side of the street.
  • Dirty Dishes! The bottoms of dishes get dirty, too. Also, when you see a sinkful of dishes, how 'bout washing ALL of them, instead of sorting thru the ones you think you used, and setting aside the ones you think I've used.
  • Vacuuming and mopping! I know I showed you where the vacuum and the mop were when you moved in. Ever notice that clean, bleachy smell when you get home from work? It comes from this bottle, right here under the sink next to the recyclables that you never put out on recycling day, which, by the way, is every Thursday. And those hairballs on the bathroom floor arent coming only from my pubes, ya know!
  • CELL PHONE! I realize it's your lifeline to the outside world, but can you refrain from entering the apartment while chatting loudly on the cell with your pals about what you and your pals just did together 15 minutes prior???!!
  • TV and VCR! OK, I know you dont have a TV, and I shouldn't complain when I'm not even home and you use my set - but please please pllllllease! when borrowing the porno, don't leave it in the VCR so that when I get home from a hard day's work of pushing burritos and mindlessly turn the tube on, I get to see exactly which sexscene made you pop your load! EWWWWWWW!