Saturday, June 23, 2001

help me, help me

ever feel like you're trapped in your hopeless, pointless life; and the only solution is to have some big, giant rock come crashing down, squishing your whole body, and putting you out of your miserable pain?

went to Folsom St East last sunday. I tried my best; enoying the variety of guys, young old hairy smooth, some in "gear", some, like me, in just a comfortable t-shirt and shorts, boots. There were a lot of cool, regular joes there - guys who just wanted to feel a little sexy, take in the other sexy guys. A couple of porno stars, Corey Jay, Donnie Rusoo, and others who's faces I couldn't quite place. And there were a lot who I had been with, over the past 18 years of living in this city. I didn't try to count how many, or figure out their names. Backroom, park, porn theatre, their place, your place, your boyfriend's place, wherever. Most were the type you only sometimes acknowledge - that silent, barely noticeable nod. The "yes we did it, no we're not doing it again" nod. This was the first year without beer. Mayor Nofun banned alcohol at street fairs this year, and I suppose it was just as well. I had just rode my bike across town, parked/locked it up just around the corner from the street fair. Was still sorta stunned, seeing my most recent ex, the one I hadn't seen or talked to since he broke it off, 2 years ago. The one I was sure was "it". With his furry shoulders, and sweaty balls, and eyes that twitched, and he snored, and he held me very close, very tight when we got into bed. His left armed wrapped around, bringing my head close and firm onto his fuzzy chest.

i didn't stop. he waved, called out my name. I think i smiled, or nodded. I didn't slow down, I didn't speed up, i didn't look back. I needed the moment to be as brief, and inconsequential, as possible. Few of my friends had ever met him, and I met few of his friends. No witnesses to the whole thing. And when he said it was over, and gave no particular reason, and I made him take all his stuff, it didn't mean anything to anyone but me. Even though it was 1-1/2 years, when it ended, no one noticed him not around anymore, no one stopped seeing us out together. It just stopped, there was no reason, it never happened, and it's all I ever think about........

please, Mr Price, help me, help me