bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Wednesday, May 29, 2002
........rough night's sleep. And while I'm getting tired of being "down in the dumps", my thoughts seem to be taking me even further down that road (am I mixing my metaphors again?) Lying in bed before beginning the morning routine, I even tried to figure out the answer to this question: When was the last time someone said "I love you" to me in a romantic way? - killer, eh? and since it was at least 5 years ago......... you can imagine that this first cup of coffee isn't as satsifying as it usually is. The good news, and I really think there is some, is that I'm not sufferring from those self-esteem issues that often hits one when he's going through these kinds of thoughts. You know, "I'm unlovable because: -
I'm ugly
I'm too old
I need to get back to the gym
I'm unemployed
I'm boring
I'm boring in bed
While all those are true enough, they don't bother me, and I still have a healthy amount of self-confidence. But I am plagued by what I consider a scarier reality - it's just impossibly tough to find someone who is pyschologically in that same place of wanting the basic stuff together, and who shares the same values, and, most important, cuz this is how it all gets started, who has that same animal/chemical attraction to you - the kind that's unexplainable, the kind that you can't pinpoint why, and you can even find lots of logical reasons why it doesn't make sense, but who you think about, and just get a huge grin, and have all those giddy thoughts about, and who you look forward to seeing, and just being with. Not "lets find a share in Fire Island together", but, "wow, I love how your eyebrows do that" and "your hands pulling me closer is the best feeling I've ever had"