bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Thursday, May 30, 2002
I swear, tomorrow there WILL be porn in this space
After talking to a couple of friends, and re-reading my "rough night's sleep" post from Wednesday, I see that I not only don't agree with my pals' attempts at helping me feel better, I don't even like my own analysis of what's bugging me. While I did indeed have those "when will I ever be loved" feelings yesterday morning, it's such a small portion of what is actually going on in my brain at the moment. In fact, I would say it's more accurate to say its a by-product, or even a distraction. For example, a pal said something to the effect of "it's his loss" to which i almost screamed! My pal's intentions were to say that I'm a nice guy and all that, so that's appreciated, of course, but it's not that I needed reassurance. And, in reality, it's not the other guy's loss, it is mine. I wanted things to continue, he didn't; it's not continuing, so, duh, I'm the loser (so to speak). (maybe "lossee" would soften the blow)

Now, the point here isn't to feel bad for myself, or for you, the reader, to feel bad for me (although chocolate would REALLY be appreciated) or all that. And I'd rather not get too mushy and all, but the real point is that he's a really great guy, and we had a really great time together, and, well, it's just too bad it didn't work out. And there's all sorts of reasons (I think) why in the long run I suppose its better (not that I can really think of any, but "they" tell me it's better)..... But, I'm still in that dreamy sorta "ooh, he's so cute" and "ooh, that was so funny" and "ohh, your chin is in the perrrrrrrrrfect spot" kinda way. And I've been struggling all fucking week to remember like one bad time together, or anything rotten about him or our times together that could help me get through this, but god-diddlydangit, nada! So, I'll just have to struggle through this, and let time do it's thing, and occasionally let those very cool memories put a smile back on my face.