bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Sunday, September 08, 2002



Agitated, but in a different way. What's odd, is that accompanying this renewed confidence in one's fellow citizen, came the creeping alienation from others, most especially those I was closest to. I mean, the arguments that ensued were understandable, all of us angry, and fearful, amd grappling for explanations and blame. But that was short-lived, and we knew to forgive each other, and ourselves for the outbursts. But the distance has lasted, and grown. I see friends less, and I spend less time with them. I don't share my fears and concerns as much, I keep my happy face on, and we tell each other tales of interesting, yet not so important things. What happened at work, what happened in the backroom, who's cute, where are you going for vacation. The security that in the worst of times, you can depend on each other is there, thank god, but the realization that in the day to day, you are all alone, trying to make sense, trying to find that hug or tender touch that might have some real meaning. While in my head I know that the emotions are high and confusing for most, if not all of us, it still feels very lonely; no one knows how I feel, no one is going thru this like I am. And the shame of having these feelings, knowing that plenty of others have lost so much, have seen so much worse, have had their lives fucked up and irreversably changed forever. No one I know was killed, and no one close to me lost someone, either. How does this lack of loss feel so huge, so unbearable at times? The other day, on PBS, I saw someone I used to work for years ago. I had enormous respect for her work, and for her as a person, and she's on this television show about Faith and 9/11. Stunned, I watched as she described how trying it has been for her and her family to deal with the loss of their mother who was killed in the attack. I had no idea, but of course there are probably other connections like that that I am unaware of. And so the crying and sadness is here, alone. It's rarely happened around other people, I keep it to myself, and we all seem to be in this solitary daze, where we go home to our televisions and beds and hug our pillows alone, worrying, wondering, feeling guilty and sad and having no where to go with it.