bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Odd how the brain works. Or maybe more accurately, odd how my brain works. Yesterday was an extremely UP day for me. Saw several friends, two of the newer variety, two of the old-friends variety. Rode my bike around doing errands (which was supposed to involve buying stuff like socks and cd's, but turned out to be looking at spots where those socks and CD's should have been). Dropping by a pal's workplace for a great hug and a load of work on my back (backpack), having beers with another and meeting one of his handsome friends (who I'd seen out before, but now there's a name, and the image of a few hairs poking their way over the top of his shirt collar....). And met up with one of my oldest friends, an ex, at another friend's benefit party. The benefit party was for my other friend's work she is doing helping mothers and children in Nepal, and I've known her for years, worked for her in her vintage shop - in fact, lived in an apartment that she uses as a storage space. Without going into the particulars of the great work she is doing, I was rather overwhelmed at being at this party. I quickly took a spot away from the crowd, absorbing the music, sitting alone, watching people interact, looking at the large photographs of the folks in Nepal that have benefited from her work. But the most amazing thing to me was seeing her, my friend. Full of energy, greeting people, getting nervous at the prospect of speaking to this large group, even though they are mostly friends and contributors. She is just one of those people who her BEING is an inspiration. Loving, caring, yet modest and self-effacing, nuturing. And better yet, she brings those qualities out in other people. There's no guilt trip here, merely a warm personality that reminds you that your life can and should make a postive difference.

I'm not really connecting the dots the way I wanted, but I think this morning, feeling a bit down, and letting my post title from yesterday, we live as we dream, alone sink in and absorb me, I am caught perhaps in just trying to process everything form yesterday. I can go for days, and even weeks, quite frankly, without seeing or spending time with friends, and so maybe the high of seeing 4 in one day has gotten me to be so contemplative. Or maybe it's the contrast of the feelings from that tune that contrast with the knowledge of something different, of seeing how others do impact you, and how you impact others. Maybe it's the scarey feeling that I don't impact others as much as I'd like, or ought (to me those are the same things, the ought is a self-imposed high standard that while I often feel I fall short, I still want to reach it). I wish my hugging of one friend could've cheered him up enough, I wish the few green pieces of paper I dropped in the bowl could've gotten that second home in Nepal for her work, I wish a lot of things, I guess. I guess i also need to do what occurred to me last night, talk to my friend about her work. I know that she's well aware of the obvious impact, she actually sees the transformation of the kids getting an education, the mothers finding a nurturing place, all that. But I wonder if she's aware that her personality is infectious, that it's inspiring in other ways that she doesn't see, and couldn't possibly be aware of, that there is even more benefit. What I love is that she is not a person who thinks in terms of changing the world, of being some great "leader", but rather has this pragmatic knowledge that what you do can, and should, make the world better, in whatever ways you can.