bj's gay porno-crazed ramblings

Wednesday, April 10, 2002
MY! The dog-run sure smells good!
I've realized the source of my recent surge of happiness. It's this intense sense of denial. Denial about what a sorry state my life is in. I mean, I haven't had a job in years, the credit cards are maxed out, i got 27 cents in interest on my savings account for the last quarter - i havne't a clue how rent, student loans, etc will get paid May 1st. I have low self-esteem ( that tattoo boy from last Monday night? I've seen him around 3 times since, I've only had the balls to say "hey" once). But after I wake up, wait for the coffee to brew, clean up the junk food mess from a few hours earlier, log onto this machine, and wisely I put on music instead of the t.v. Today again I was reliving my lovely youth, and I was in tears listening to Heaven Is Ten Zillion Light Years Away, another fantastic song from 1974, my last year of grade school, and onto the scarey world of a high school within a few months.

Now, lest you get the wrong idea, our pop song singing in church once a week wasn't exactly some BOSTON PUBLIC episode, with souful angelic choirs singing perfect harmoines - we were sleepy kids sitting on hard pews trying not to let the nuns catch us goofing round or nodding off. But still, the class time picking and rehearsing the songs was great, and perhaps more important, the memory of it keeps me from having too many knee-jerk reactions to most things CATHOLIC. I have enough personal stories with cool nuns, fantastic lay teachers, and yes, a handful of Jesuits to keep in mind the "real" meaning for those people of faith - making whatever little difference in improving the lives of the folks around them. If you really listen to that Stevie Wonder song, you hear the searching for answers, the questioning of what does "GOD" mean, why does he let all this shit happen, etc etc etc.... but the lines "Where is my God?" - He lives inside of me is the part that reminds me of my own responsibility to myself, and the rest of the world, to do the little things that might make a difference - a smile, a hug, free porno, the occasional insight; the catalysts that unknowingly might make someone's day a little better, and they in turn make someone else's day a little better.

blah blah blah. And then this weird little mind of mine flashes forward to sometime in the late 80's, when my father was unemployed, and my mother, after 8 years of working for the same guy, barely making ends meet, suddenly quits her job, and the two of them rent a Cadillac and go on a 2-week vacation riding through the South. While some people would be horrified at the irresponsibility of that, it just puts this wonderful smile on my face. It was basically a "fuck the world and the way you're supposed to do things, I need a break, and I'm taking it" So its rather clear where I get this trait from - my insane parents! But seriously, perhaps it's insane, or denial of some sort, but perhaps it's some form of faith in oneself - take some risks, do what you need to do, you'll get back on track when you need to.

So, this past week, I've been enjoying doing my errands, riding my bike around the neighborhood, always going through Thomkins Square Park, and of course, it's spring. Beautiful spring. With all the little Impresionist painting dots of colors on the trees, a million shades of pale green and yellow, and a bit of white and pink and red, and circling the dog run, I am hit with this wonderful aroma. Lots of dogs, lots of dogfolks (and several yummy dog-boys), and the recently added layer of tree shavings from a tree they had to cut down last week. This lovely piney-cedary smell, the dogs frolicking, the dog-owners gossiping amongst themselves, the kid's playground a few yards away....... and i just inhale, and smile..... worry about the other stuff later, this is nice; I need this.