Rode over to the West Side yesterday evening, in hopes of catching the first moments of the Tribute of Light (Towers of Light?). I think it was gonna be 88 beams of light, forming two tower-like images, going straight up in the air from lower Manhattan; near, but not from, "ground zero". I got there way too early, but I had my camera, and tried to take a few pictures using the timer and keeping the auto-flash off. I rode out to the end of one of the piers, and there were only a couple people there, some guys fishing, a guy and his dog jumping rope (well, the guy was jumping, the dog....well, you know). So I'm basically out on the water, its rather cold, and there's a great view of downtown, New Jersey, and the Statue of Liberty as the sky is getting darker, and the building lights are getting brighter. The soft sounds of the water lapping against the pier.

I'm not sure what I expected to feel once the lights came on; it made me remember many years ago, on World AIDS Day, the first time the Manhattan skyline went dark to commemorate those who had died. It was the same night as the TV special for the first Red Hot and Blue album/video. Me and my then-boyfriend Phil were with another couple, having gone out for dinner, on our way home to watch the TV show. Walking up 2nd ave, hurrying so we could see the skyline from Phil's roof, suddenly the Empire State Building went dark. We paused, all quiet despite the continuation of city/traffic noises, each lost in our own thoughts, our own losses. Soon one of us urged the group to move on for those few more blocks, knowing we could get to the roof in time to see the whole skyline. It was amazing. A simple gesture, a sort of recognition from "them" that this was important, that our continued losses mattered, had to be acknowledged, which wasn't the case so often. Once the skyline slowly re-lit, we all hugged on that December night, and went back inside.

This was different, of course. There may not have been this need for some sort of national recognition, but still it seemed like a good idea to me. While it was planned to be a temporary rememberance, the lights were a way of saying, "Never Forget". It seemed like some vague haze was coming from downtown, but nothing like a tower of light, and I was getting much too cold, and impatient. I knew it would be visable for a month, and from most parts of the city, so there was no real need to stay. I began to move from the end of the pier back towards the island, but saw that more people had gathered, and were continuing to come. I decided to stay a little longer, to see what it would look like from this perspective, the first moments. I found a spot to set up my camera, knowing it couldn't be a good picture, that there would be plenty of better ones on news websites, etc, within moments, but I still wanted to make the effort.

I had turned around for a moment, and heard "there it is" and saw the lights. Oddly disappointing at first, I robotically snapped two pictures, put the camera away, but leaned back, and began to absorb the view. It took a few minutes to get the idea of "it doesnt look like the World Trade Center to me" out of my head, to seeing it more like a simple gesture, "art" even. From this perspective, perhaps too close to the source, you could see it's odd angle ending way up in the sky, almost like one of those tacky movie premier lights. Too cold to stay put, I slowly moved up, heading north, in the opposite direction from the lights. But seeing more and more people coming, looking into the air, often solitary figures, lost in their own thoughts, just following the beams, I started to get overwhelmed. Odd how this shared horrific experience, 6 months later, was taking this form. This need to see something big and dramatic, yet simple and reassuring, each person with their own individual memory of that day, and the months since, walking towards the lights. I stopped frequently, turned around, or just watched the folks walking down the pathway. Riding back onto the street, and taking a slightly detoured ride home, I still stopped frequently. As I got more into traffic, and the density of the city, still able to see the beams of light above, and seeing other folks stopping while walking down 8th Ave, 7th Ave, etc, it was good to have this rememberance. All those "missing posters" of the fall, the impromptu candle memorials leaning against walls that were all over town months ago and now gone, it was reassuring to see this beam from whereever you were in the city.

When I neared home, turning onto my block, I paused at the spot at the laundrymat's wall. This was where there had been several cardboard boxes with hand-scrawled notes and prayers, and a dozen or two candles that somehow stayed lit most of those first few weeks. Now there was only the vaguest outline of spilled candle wax staining the sidewalk, outlining where the boxes had been, that would go unnoticed if you hadn't seen what had made it 6 months ago. I looked up, saw the beautiful bright beam in the sky, mumbled a few words into my scarf, and walked the rest of the way down the street to my home.

I know I could turn the t.v. off, and not get this constant feed of rememberances. Some is not well done, too often the new pat phrases like "the day everything changed" which, well, says nothing at all. Clearly, some things changed, and things are still changing, and they have affected us very very differently. The obvious - those in closest proximity, physically and emotionally are affected most. Last night's show, 9/11 was good, which I wouldn't have expected otherwise. I hadn't known the focus of the story beforehand, but once it was on, I remembered the whole coincidence of the French filmmakers who were following a young fireman from his first days on the job. The only real criticism I had of the show was the brief appearance at the onset of Tom Ridgeland, the "Homeland Security" guy - which I felt was really a creepy political move - "we're working on it, folks" which just made me extremely angry about them not working on "it" before 9-11.

But I do think people are returning to a healthy cynicism about their government, while retaining that feeling of awe, and appreciation, for the "regular joes", the underpaid cops, firemen, emt folks (is their a shorthand name for them?), etc. I still wonder what it was like to work for the FBI, as an agent, who was stuck several years ago looking into Clinton's sex habits, while so few were put on the case of following up on the WTC truck bombing back in '93, and tracking what those folks might be planning next. How disillusioning is that? Signing up to fight the "bad guys", screwing around with Linda Tripp and that whole crew, while this whole thing was being planned. I really wish one of those agents who were on that detail had the balls to come out in public and say "I can't fucking believe they made me do that bullshit, while I might've been able to help prevent this!"

I only get one, eh? It's certainly a tough choice, but between 2 and 3, with those ears it has to be.....

Last night was fun, a pal convinced me to go out and have a beer at The Phoneix. We met up around 11:30, and by 2 am had 2 beers each, just gabbing, some "light" guy-watching (by which I mean they weren't watching back). Since I hadn't eaten dinner, by around 2 he suggested we grab a bit to eat, and we headed over to Odessa, he had your basic grilled cheese/fries, I had fantastic potato pancakes with sour cream. And we just continued chatting, little bits of info about ourselves, our families. One thing that we died laughing over, which is totally silly, but I had never heard of anyone doing this - he said his father always stirs his cereal! He pours in the milk, then uses the spoon to pull up flakes and milk from the bottom, while turning the bowl with his other hand in regular intervals, to make sure its properly mixed together before he eats it. I don't know why that struck me as so funny, probably just imagining how maddening, yet inconsequential, it would be to grow up watching that.

He's a good pal, and several weeks back complained about being lonely, how hard it is to meet that "special someone", etc etc. And, wisely, I didn't offer any suggestions (like I wouldwould know!), but just let him talk. We agreed, and miraculously followed up, on the idea of hanging out more together. Last night, while at the Phoenix, he mentioned getting his Paul McCartney tickets on Monday morning, and then mentioned a few other live shows he'd seen in the past few years - I can't remember any of them, except that they were all equally dreadful. So I looked him straight in the eye and said "so, um, that's the reason we stopped dating, eh?" Thank God he laughed.

what do

• A Girl In Trouble (Is A Temporary Thing) - ROMEO VOID
  
• Send Me An Angel - REAL LIFE
  
• Legal Tender - B-52'S
• Edge Of The Razor - STEPHANIE MILLS
  
• Unison - LAURA BRANNIGAN

have in common?

They form the soundtrack to the 1985 porn movie Making It Huge! I got a copy of this about a year ago, and swore it had a b-52's song on it, but was disappointed to not hear it. I could swear I heard that song while Daniel Holt is checking out Jim Bentley, in this movie about a young man from Kansas who goes to an acting school in Hollywood. (It's really hilarious, mostly purposely so, with the Hollywood producer making all these innuendos toward poor, naive Jim Bentley). I never did buy that album, but now that I have just acquired an older copy of the video, with the soundtrack intact, I can see why. Two good songs (Romeo Void and b-52's), and a then several really awful cheesy crappy ones! I must've heard/seen this video dozens of times at the porn theatre on 3rd Avenue and 13th, and always associated Legal Tender with that movie. But at least I now know that I am not insane (er, on this particular issue), and its more proof that these guys never license the music they use, were caught and forced to replace the soundtrack - if you try buying it now, you'll get your standard Casio-synth soundtrack.

hmmm, which Tom Katt is better?

Let's say you're re-working your website, you can either do the "come back in a few days" simple index page......... OR, if you are supercool, you can do something like the folks at Bjork.com.

I know it's really tacky to have those thoughts about a married man, so I won't embarass myself by saying what those thoughts are. (gulp!)

My head and body ache, I guess I was up late doing the potato chip, ice cream, bad TV movie thing after attempting and failing to do the sex thing. So, with this junk food headache, of course someone is outside with a rusty saw doing god-knows-what. But let me share Jason's favorite (I think that's what he said) pic from our HOT PHOTO SESSION last week while I crawl back into bed.

Okay. So how many of you folks clicked on A Friendly Reminder last week, got a broken link, and didn't email and let me know? Hmmmmm?

The photos I got this afternoon looked really good! It feels a bit funny staring at pics of myself (don't laugh), but he did a nice job. But now I am obsessing about trying to get Blogger/FTP stuff to work for me. Given that Geocities is changing again, I want to do a "test" blog to make sure I know how to set one up - it's been almost a year since I did this, and now it involves FTP stuff that is making my head spin. Of course, I was more focused on the writing of the particular post (the mourning doves that are hanging out outside my window), than in the technical aspect of setting up a new blog from scratch (something about the file not existing, or the filepath, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!). But I'll get it. Eventually. I hope. Also doing lots of porn viewing, and although I can be pretty good at quickly going thru and jotting down actors names, setting up the auction pages, sometimes I get caught up in - no, not the sex, I'm getting really really immune to sex on my tv lately - but on the little things that are different. Like this one video I put up for auction earlier today In Thrust We Trust - all black cast, about a politician who is running on one issue - censorship of pornography, because he believes it leads to violence. BUT, he is visited by his fairy godfather ( a guy in really tacky, funny drag) who puts a spell on him, that makes everyone sexually attracted to him. Very silly, but knowingly so, and he has so much sex that it changes his views, and wins election.

Last night I was hoping to get out of the house, have some cheap beer, but no one I asked was available and/or interested, so I stayed in. Maybe tonight, but its 3 bucks a pint, rather than $1.00, and I need to watch my money (even though its been over a week since I've been out at all).

It's great to have pals looking out for ya - Phil on Sunday morning with the porno videos, and tOrStEn (no comment from me on the "porno-grazed ramblings") this morning about Bjork on German TV (scroll down and you can watch video). After a stop at the post office in a short while, it's lunch at Benny's with Jason.

While not a dedicated SMARTLINE watcher, it's certainly far better than the competition, comic or otherwise.

Despite my economic need to ready more auctions, it's so nice out, I think it's better to get some fresh air, relax, ride the bike. Going thru some pics I took of cockrings, this one is a bit disappointing - you can't really see the strap that well - although the reason the snaps are black metal is so that it blends in better with black leather gear and all - I was hoping for something clearer, that would help sell the item.

Another distraction last night, I hadn't checked out this site in awhile, except for the excellent links page, but last week I was looking for some pics of Steve Regis, and Google pointed me to GlovdCopSF. I think he used to be hosted on AOL, anyway, lots of stuff to keep you occupied, it's a great website. His own pics are hot (these guys are always 3000 miles away, ain't they?), and the Men I Want to Fuck gallery has lots of porn star pics, and "the Milk Carton" section is great, too!

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this and that

Met with Jason (the photographer) and he showed me the contact sheets - really nice stuff! Naw, I don't mean me, per se, but that he did a great job, some really nice pics, and he said he can make me a few prints by later in the week, and we'll have lunch. (I also got a quick glimpse of another model's hairy torso pic - SLURP!!) He seemed pretty happy with them, too, which, of course, is good. I only wish I had some friends, acquaintances, who could use his talent - he's got a great eye, and is fun and relaxing to work with (granted, I was in my own home and all, but still). And despite me signing away all my rights, he said it's cool if I decide to reproduce a pic or two for my website. He giggled when I got to the pic where my balls are slightly peaking out of my boxers, but I didn't pick that one for printing (like I don't have enough pics of my own balls!).

Spending a good part of the day readying some more porn videos for auction, and got a couple more wrestling/fight themed ones. Then I found that one of the producers of the videos, BG Enterprise, has a couple brief previews on their webpage - so give it a look.

Over the weekend, got several nice emails about the blog, or the porn pages, which is always cool - but a couple of the guys who I wrote back, their email wasn't working (one AOL account blocked me, another, .edu address, wasn't working, oh well) - so, sorry fellas, but I tried!

And the bump on my head is still a bit sore, but the swelling is down. I discovered 2 scratches on my shoulder, good god - I really need to calm down when someone says "bargain porn"!

Slow morning, but it's Monday. Enjoying coffee, and a morning dove appears to be building a nest on/near my air conditioner. It's actually kinda sweet, the morning sun coming into the apartment, sitting with my coffee by the window, as the bird brings tiny twigs in its mouth up to this spot she (he?)'s picked out. I can't really see the nest, but it's next to the air conditioner, on a platform I had the super make to hold it, so, the good news is that it's outiside the livingroom window, so early morning bird noises won't bother my sleep. And a link to a link to a link got me to MonkeyRadio, some sort of streaming trip hop. Nice way to begin the day.

I was up around 7:30 this morning, it had rained hard most of the night, I made some coffee, and figured I'd spend a good chunk of the day looking over these porn videos I picked up on Saturday. But about an hour went by, and I was sleepy, and the air was heavy, no longer raining, but humid, so I crawled back into bed. Don't remember any dreams, but half-woke a couple times to find a rather hefty hard-on in my boxers, falling back to sleep, wondering what may have inspired it. I vaguely hear the phone ringing in the next room, but stay in bed, letting the machine pick up. "I'm at the flea market, there's a box of old videos here, you really should check it out, I'm gonna keep talking til you pick up" as I run in and grab the phone. It's my pal Phil, apparently there's some used porn videos, looks like some decent titles, and he agrees to check them out, call back with some titles, and he'll pick me up a few. I reheat some coffee, sit here, and the phone rings again within minutes. "A Matter of Size, some tickling stuff, Making It Huge...." So I interject "you think I should check them out?" "YES! and hurry!"

I hit my head on the closet door trying to get dressed and out quickly (hence the gash on my forehead), and 22 minutes later, I've made it across town in a cab. He greets me at the corner, rushes me right to the spot with the sign "MALE VIDEOS" and I kneel down instinctively, sorting. After I've set aside about 12, I look for the dealer who comes over, agreeing to some sort of deal if I take a bunch. Several Falcons, Jock, Bob Jones, a couple of P.M. Productions, and a lot of duped compilation tapes (some good titles, but I only want originals) After I've stacked more than 20, there's another guy going thru the boxes I've finished with. He reaches over and begins to handle one of the videos I've set aside. "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS - er, um, ah uh uh!" I tsk and try to laugh it off as he releases his hold on the tape. He laughs nervously, and walks away. A loan from Phil, my knapsack full, plus a small plastic bag, Leo and Lance, Pizza Boy, Le Beau Mac, L.A. Boot Bottom, and a bunch more are on their way to their new lower east side home.

today, got out of the house enough to get the basic errands done: post office (shipping porn), non-profit thrift shopping (buy used porn), grocery store (damn! - no porn!)...now, on to cleaning house, having 2 pals over for pizza, beer, low-key fun. My usual Saturday night is by myself ordering pizza and terrorizing the AOL chatrooms, so this will be a welcome break from that. Otherwise, time to crank PRINCE's TRC - The Rainbow Children album - some of these tunes KICK ASS!

BUT (damn, there's always a but!) - I really really have a problem with the last 15 seconds of Family Name - musically, the song is quite amazing, but throwing in that MLK snippet really doesn't work. It devalues the speech it comes from, and it's a feeble attempt at adding some meaning to the song - which should come from the song, not from using a classic American speech.

oooooooooh, more cool BJORK stuff - 3 songs from the new live DVD's

".......In The William Higgins Tradition."
If you are familiar with that phrase, you've probably seen this film, The Boys of Venice, a 1978 gay porn flick starring Kip Knoll, Derrick Stanton, Eric Ryan, and a bunch of others. I know I've linked the Whiter Shade of Pale disco version from the film, some stills, etc. But this clip is from the famous disco dance-floor scene, where Kip first meets Emaunelle Bravos, and they both fantasize about doing it - no actual sex here folks (sorry, just s brief crotch-grab) but it's a great little clip, and I will be taking it down by midnight tonight, so as not to go way over on the whole BANDWIDTH thing (and probably put it back up over the weekend, once I check the stats, blah blah). Bonus points if you can identify the music (I've been trying to figure it out for years, perhaps it was original music for the film, which Higgins often used).

bjork news

If you're a fan, you should keep your eyes on this site - bjork.etoile-polaire - for all sorts of cool Bjork stuff.

Last night I found a downloadable Bjork interview video (it's actually pretty funny), info about the Coachella Festival 2002 (where is that, california?), Björk on Music:Response Radio Show (a 25 minute mp3, live in-studio versions of Cocoon, Pagan Poetry, and Unravel - simply beautiful!), plus animated gifs, other videos, and tons more.

this AOL chatroom profile bummed me out:

 Member Name: YOU WALK IN AND I AM ON ALL 4'S YOU STICK IT IN DUMP AND LEAVE
 Location: east village manhattan
 Sex: Male
 Marital Status: single just tested neg!!!!

I left the rest out, mostly because there was nothing interesting - just the usual how great a bottom he is, etc. There was nothng explicit about barebacking, but nothing explicit about safer sex, either. I guess the gleefulness of the HIV status really bothers me (four, COUNT THEM, 4 exclamation marks, like selling a car), coupled with the "dump and leave" - I know, I know, to each his own, but still, it saddens me.

Here I was, getting ready to post that bloggerbutt pic for my contest; but I'm just not in the mood. Maybe next week.

Let the Eagles Soar, indeed, Mr Ashcroft, but I think I'll wait for the Danny Tenaglia remix.

No matter how much I tried to take my clothes off, he just wouldn't let me! No, seriously, that was a lot of fun, hanging around my apartment, Jason dropping by, and us spending over 2 hours together. For a peek at his work check out Studio81. I guess having diddled a bit on the very very very amateur level that I've taken some pics, I was fascinated watching him work, figuring out lighting, placement of the subject (me), etc. He did a couple quick polaroids, like you see here, very basic instructions, "sit here" "look at me" (which I quickly learned means look into the lens), "stop clowning around!" - no really, he didn't make me stop, he let me relax in my own way, which is basically to make lots of silly jokes, like trying to lick my own armpit while saying "make love to the camera". He was not snapping those kinds of pics! I guess the compliment, to me, was that when he stumbled across my website a few days back (i guess a yahoo search for "gay men who have lots of time on their hands"), he saw something that made him think "this will be interesting" and since it was mostly face, and full-body, with clothes (yeah, eventually he let me get down to boxers), it was a fun way to spend the afternoon. The massive amounts of porn videos lying around didn't seem to scare him off, and maybe if there's a next time, we can do something ala American Beauty - only instead of me on the bed with rose pedals falling, we can have porn video boxes, and cockrings falling...........just a thought. And signing a "model release form" was exciting - just think, my face could be on a billboard in Times Square next week, and I wouldn't get a dime!

let's see what kind of sense I can make before having a full cup of coffee. Despite having gotten this friendly reminder yesterday, 10 minutes into the Grammy's last night, seeing those chicks dressed up like Barbie dolls yelping some rehashed old song, I still don't get the appeal to queers (really, I swear, I am one!). A few more hours of TV (Law and Order was great - I love the evil internet software plots!) more porn video reviewing, and a brief bit in a chatroom - until NYCpig4U or some such name, wanted hot raw, drug induced party-and-play action (but didnt want to leave his hotel room), some ice cream, and by 3 am, I finally crawled into bed. I have this stupid idea for a "contest" of sorts, but I havent quite figured out the prize structure. More coffee, and maybe I can get my act together and figure that out.

Amen!, and double amen to #'s 1,3, 7, and 10

Had a nice coffee break today. Yesterday I got an email from this SVA student, asking if I'd be willing to have my picture taken for a school project. After a few emails, and a look at some of his cool pics I agreed, and we just met up to talk. He had his portfolio with some of the other pictures he's taken so far for the project, and the first guy I recognized! Not from "real life" but from the web - and his photographs of the guy were really good, not just "guy in leather jacket and facial hair" but somehow the facial expressions were captured real well - hard to explain. And as I was looking thru more, he asked if I had a partner - "naw, I don't" -"OH, that's too bad!" he responded. "Tell me about it!" I added, which made him laugh; but he explained that what he meant was that he was also doing couples' portraits, and there were several in the portfolio that were quite good. One couple in particular - mid/late 40's, both with greying hair, goatee/mustache/facial hair variations and balding, really grabbed my attention. Well, as much as one might think it was something to do with the similarites between the 2 guys and myself, it was really just that not only were they handsome, but were quite comfortable in front of the camera, and with each other, with thier slight grins, as they were embraced, one behind the other. Then I noticed that the one guy had his hand behind himself, subtley, but most likely grabbing his boyfriend's crotch out of the camera's view.

So, he comes by tomorrow, and we'll see what happens. He said something about just wanting to take pics of gay men in their natural habitat, er, I mean, in their natural environment. So, no doubt the pics will include this computer, and piles of porn videos and magazines lying around. Actually, while he said specifically that they didn't have to be naked in one of the emails, and god knows I have enough of those, maybe, if the idea is what I'm comfortable in, it'll be my fave outfit: baggy boxers and a dago-tee (provided the heat is on in the apartment) - I don't really decorate Christmas trees, and bake cookies wearing nothing but a jockstrap.

"For 30 years I've been struggling and fighting, and I still feel like an outcast in the gay community"

A pal sent me an email, reminding me of Sylvia Rivera's funeral & Memorial Procession. He was planning on going to the procession, which was to start at the Stonewall Inn, carrying her ashes by horse-drawn carriage along Christopher St. to the Hudson River. Last week he first mentioned this, and while I had no specific memory of her, the group of us who were out briefly chatted. Stonewall veteran, transgender activist, the word fierce come up a lot. Today's email, simply "if your interested, meet me at 9" kinda got to me. First reaction was: naw, don't want to do a funeral, don't want to go through all that emotional upheaval, thinking about all the previous funerals in 41 years, don't want to deal with people who go to it as an "event" either, that bugs me.

But, as I do alot, I sat on my fat ass and did some web searching for more info, and within minutes I was feeling sad, and guilty. I eventually found this NPR obituary, which is not bad. But the first article that I read was about a demonstration, and City Council hearing last year regarding amending the city's anti-discrimination law to include transsexual, transgendered, and gender-variant New Yorkers. And what hit me was her concern for kids, "street youth", who don't fit the usual expectations for males or females and are thrown out in the street by their own parents. Sure it's easy to get all misty-eyed when thinking about kids struggling, and the folks who are there to help. But it's more than that, really, to me. We all know the obligatory statements we hear, and say, around Gay Pride every year about the "street queens" who were at the forefront of the movement. But what about the often unacknowledged debt, what we hardly ever talk about, that these "shock troops" are owed?

I don't really know what was going thru my parents minds as I was growing up, and the growing realization that their son was "different". I came out in my early 20's, in a long letter to my Dad, and his easy, eager, in fact, acceptance was wonderful, but not really surprising. Since then they've met many gay friends, and 2 of my boyfriends have gone "home" with me to visit (one came to my sister's wedding, the other spent a Christmas; both met members of the extended family ). Actually, for me, a fairly easy go of it. But I wonder about that "phewww, thank god he's not that way!" feeling that maybe they felt, and certainly lots of folks must feel. And how often have I felt that relief, that i'm only a bit "different". How much I joke, but really mean it, when I say "when did it become LGBT?" The discomfort I feel about bisexual men; the snickering at nighclubs, when its ok to be entertained by the likes of Amanda Lepore (yes, we love our entertainers, don't we), but to still have those "why did she do that" kind of thoughts......... I dunno, I'm starting to ramble, but i guess the point is, how much do we (I) actually do to support the notion that folks should be free to be whoever they are, period. Don't add some obligatory phrase about "as long as they're not hurting anyone" - as if crap like that needs to be said ("It's okay for those lumberjacks to wear plaid, as long as they're not hurting anyone") And someone shouldn't have to be a part of a history or movement that benefits me to be deserving of that, either.

........ as my mind gets tried of trying to express myself............ A really good website called Sound Portraits has this radio documentary from 1989 - Remembering Stonewall, plus a piece from a NY Times article nearly 3 years ago, a brief interview with Sylvia Rivera: "So there's a lot of joy in my heart to see the 30th anniversary of Stonewall. You know what was beautiful about that night? To see the brothers and sisters stand as a unified people. But I do get depressed when this time of year comes around: for 30 years I've been struggling and fighting, and I still feel like an outcast in the gay community."

Last night was my usual: bike over to the Westside to see if there are any used, cheap porn videos for sale (yes! several good ones!); then Seinfeld, and an episode of Boston Public. Then, back to work, reviewing several of the porn vids I had just purchased, readying them for resale: Black Workout 2; Sex Oasis; Homme Alone; Locked Up; and Recruit Me!. I gotta say, you can snicker all you want, but it's hard work. After awhile, you're eyes get blurry, Trenton Comeaux starts to look like Anthony Gallo, the tape heads get worn down, and you run out of clever euphemisms to use on eBay's site. Oh crap! Look at the time, my cockring dealer will be here any minute, and the place is a mess!

oh yeah, and since last Thursday, when I filled my hard drive with tons of new music (much of it deleted already), I can't stop playing this song by the Otis Waygood Blues Band - - Watch An' Chain - 1970, from South Africa (by way of Rhodesia - which of course now is Zimbabwe - or is that Rhodesia, by way of South Africa?). Thank God I have blinds on my windows, I do this awful dance-thing each time I play it - really, really embarassing how little rhytmh I have (see, can't even spell RHYTHYM!)

buy you a chevrolet (gonna buy you)
buy you a chevrolet (chevrolet)
buy you, chevrolet, if you just make love to me

buy you most anything (gonna buy you)
buy you most anything (anything)
buy you, anything, if you just make love to me

sunday

didn't leave the house til after midnight. spent the day playing music, looking at some late 80's/early 90's porn (gosh, can't believe I used to like some of those guys; the cheesey music, the NO-KISSING "stars" like Chad Douglas, Eric Manchester, Rex Chandler (who I keep calling Rex Harrison for some reason) - and I have a copy of Jeff Stryker's POWERTOOL I need to skim thru before selling. Went out for some pacing in a small dark space with bad ventilation, eventually burning a few calories with a hairy-balled man. Then, home for ice cream, popcorn, god-knows-what else, and some Jacksons 5-hour tv movie at 3 am.

Thursday Night

Yeah, that impromptu date. The evening started off in the usual me obsessing over finding some disco-tune from some 70's porno-flick (Super Nature by Cerrone). Then I caught up with some pals for beer at The Phoenix. One guy and I had previously flirted, but nothing materialized, and recently, via email, he mentioned not being in dating-mode, so I figured that was that. While I didn't plan to stay out til 4 am, these guys kept going, and while I didn't match them beer-for-beer, I stayed. At some point, late, between awkward pauses and a few long looks at each other, flirt-boy pulled me between his legs and we kissed. Surprising, not just for the suddenness of it, but also for the strong, yet sweetness of it. We stopped quickly enough, perhaps acknowledging our surroundings, our pals being so close by. Then a few whispered "gee it's late" and "I couldn't do anything 'cept sleep, after all that beer"; another kiss. Gee, he's good. When the lights came on, we all laughed, joking about the hour, and pulled jackets on and headed out the door. I had the luxury of stepping away from the group to unlock my bike, while they discussed who was going in which direction. Walking back to the group, I looked at kisser-boy, and merely said "Hop on" - being such a good boy, he did. I pedaled off as we waved and shouted goodbyes. He was a bit wobbley from the ride, and yeah, an extra 150 pounds wasn't too easy on my beer-filled 140 pound self, but we managed to get up the 4 flights.

In the apartment, we quickly had some water, he undressed fast as we repeated the "we really need to get some sleep" bit. Kissing and nibbling lightly, we cuddled up, and I was ready for sleep. One more mouth-on-mouth kiss, and he pushed my head downwards, either having read bits of this blog knowing what I like, or merely (and more likely) just knowing what he liked. But once I was down there for a bit, I got the giggles, which, fortunately, I kept to myself. Managing to still enjoy what I was doing (and from the sounds above, him too) my head strayed to thoughts of a pal who teases me about my "faux rimming" technigue, and Andy's routine about the inadvisability of rimming on the first date. Not to mention realizing that this man would no doubt be reading whatever I wrote about this within a few hours. We finsihed up just fine. He complained a bit about too much to drink; not in a bad way, but in a matter-of-fact way as he gentley held me as we trailed off to sleep.

I remember waking a couple times, being conscientious of the fact that he had a job to go to; but he seemed not too worried. On one trip to the bathroom, I returned to him, diagonally taking up the whole bed. But each time we returned to sleep, there was a gentle kiss on the head, a warm touch. I gave him clothes, and coffee, when we finally got out of bed. We didn't mention the clothes ever coming back, which was cool, but I found myself throughout the rest of the day smiling, remembering little kisses from him as we slept. Sometimes I really miss the sleep-overs, I've had them so rarely this past year. But, I don't miss the bad sleepovers of years ago, the alcohol-breath, or when I couldn't wait for the guy to leave, or the restless "cant fuck, but lets try for a few tiring hours" routine. This was nice. This was being let in a bit, seeing someone's gentle warmness, and being relaxed enough to enjoy it.

Sunday morning

.........well, I made the coffee, I'm bringing you a cup in bed.........

oops! I forgot, there is no you; hasn't been for a long, long time. Too bad, it's good coffee, and I'm in a real nice snuggling mood, too.

This morning, I find no 1/2 & 1/2 in the fridge, so I'm putting ice cream in my coffee. It's actually quite good. And I got an additional email from eBay, apparently I can't use profanity in the auctions, and COCK is considered profane! How do I sell a cockring without saying COCK??? Penis Ring sounds fuckin' gross, you know. Ever have phone sex and the other guy keeps talking about his penis, and your penis, and "don't ya just love penis"? And to think I just ordered about 50 bucks more worth of cockrings, dammit! But I do have more porno videos to view, and post on eBay for the weekend, but really would've liked to have the cockrings up, as well.

okay, re-reading the email, I think I get it. Gosh, I feel sorry for these poor $7.00/hour schnooks who have to deal with these inane rules and answer emails from folks like me - check this out

WRAP AROUND COCK BALL DIVIDER
cock ring was ended for profanity. You are not allowed to use the word cock or other profanities within the listing. You may relist this item if you blurb the profane words. Within our Mature Audiences categories, we allow sellers to quote from the title of the item being sold without 'blurring' out the profane words. However, we do not allow the use of profanity in describing the item being sold.

okay, I think I get it (gosh, how much do their lawyers get paid for coming up with these distinctions). I can call it a cockring in the title, but i can't say "it gives your cock a nice lift" like I usually do, within the item's description. It just sucks, cuz lots of folks honestly don't know how a simple cockring works, and this one has 2 parts, the one that goes around the "whole package" and the strap that goes just under your cock, separating your cock and balls from each other. Gosh, the headaches of being a smut pusher............

from the mailbag

Dear bjland;

We have returned your auction:
DADDY DUKE -------------from BIC Productions
to the site, where it now appears as an ended item. This auction was ended in error. The auction does not promote incest. We apologize for ending your auction in error. Additionally, if there were any bidders for the auction(s) listed above, we have emailed each of them a copy of the following letter:
"You recently had placed a bid on auction(s):
1705732478 DADDY DUKE -------------from BIC Productions
which had been ended by eBay. After review of this auction, we have found that it had been ended in error."
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Regards,
eBay Inc

ok, now how about the 3 cockring auctions, and the Spanish Spectacular magazine auction, with Luscious Latin Lances and Andalusian Asses?

.........i must say, I do like the sound of the shower being used while I'm half awake, lying in bed. But I am a lightweight, so here I am, after noon, about to crawl back into bed again, more beer than I've had in awhile, but a fun night out. Hmmmm, got an email from one of the pals I was hanging out with - "You dirty, dirty boy." - Just because, as we were all on the sidewalk in front of the Phoenix after the lights came on, and I grabbed my bike, saying to one of his pals "hop on, lets go" - is it my fault that the boy did, and we did go, and ..... well, let's just say my legs are in good shape, and we had a pleasant ride home.

The Gemini clip below seems to work just fine; so thanks to all those who let me know (but I may have to take it down soon, as that page got tons of hits, and I might not be able to afford to leave it up, you know, bandwidth and all that...)

Sifting through porno videos to auction off, I found The Gay Man's Guide To Safer Sex, something I had gotten some months back in a lot of 10 or 12 videos. Given that it wasn't porn, per se, I figured it wouldn't fetch much, so I never got around to posting it. Finally looking at it, I've decided it's a keeper, something to add to my collection. Great early 90's sex-positive film, very erotic photography, with music from COIL, and 2 of the scenes are with one of my all-time faves, Aiden Shaw. With safe-sex tips and HIV info narrated throughout, it's unlikely that'll I'll ever use it as jack-off material (although this scene with these 2 guys going at it, in this plexiglass shower stall......) - still, an excellent reinforcer.

brief scene from one of my favorite films, Gemini, starring Jack Wrangler and Richard Locke, with music by Pink Floyd (naw, I don't think they gave permission for it's use)

actually, any feedback on if it works, how long to load, etc. would be appreciated. I have a few other clips I'd love to share in the future, too, so lemme know!

OK, so I've done 4 of the 6 things on my "to do" list - (all the porno stuff)- Set myself some relatively easy goals to obtain, kind of practice towards doing some important stuff (like bathing, grocery shopping, resume writing...). Anyway, I'm reviewing some of the porn videos I want to post on eBay tomorrow, making sure they're in reasonably good shape, and figuring out brief descriptions. So, after a couple of muscle wrestling videos, I pop in First Time Tryers - Chicago. Apparently, some guy does some scouting work for Chi Chi LaRue, by doing brief interviews, then a sex scene, with amateur guys who've always wanted to see what it would be like. First pairing is ok (the Chicago accents are the best part). But the second pairing, supposedly "str8" guys, I'm ready to fast-forward after hearing each being interviewed, how they've "let" guys blow them before, but never really had sex with another guy. The shot fades from the interview, to the hotel bedroom scene, and I've got my thumb on the FF button, but they're like madly kissing each other! So I watch, and they quickly strip off shirts, still kissing, one guy goes to blow the other, kinda regular sex scene, kissing, blowing, etc. Obviously the one guy isn't going to be blowing the other, so I'm fast-forwarding at this point, until I see this boot-licking, and I watch, as the "top" guy is name-calling the other guy, spitting on him as gets his boots licked "yeah, faggot, you like that", and again I'm about to hit the FF button, but topguy starts to lick bottom guy's ass. I mean, I dunno, the name-calling shit is a turn-off, of course ( to me), but they go at it kissing madly again, both real hard, and it's actually not a bad sex scene. But then they do the post-sex interview, just like one of those lame reality tv shows, where they analyze it. The "bottom" guy is more awkward, sorta like, "yeah, it was fun, glad I tried it" as he shields his face subconsciously; but the other guy is pretty pleased with himself, still breathing heavy, sticky cum on him, and the director is complementing him as being a hot pig saying: "Chi Chi should really like this" - the top guy jumps up, grinning wildly - "Really? really? - she'll dig me? Can you get me in Honcho? I wanna be in Honcho!!" Director says, "actually, I know an editor at Honcho, his name is Dave, if you ask him nice....." and the guy jumps in front of the camera "Dave, I really wanna be in HONCHO, please, let me be in Honcho" he says all coy and smiling. He's kind of an ass, but at the same time, kinda cute, so boyishly wanting to do this cool thing, being in Honcho and all.... then, as the camera fades, you see the 2 guys in the bathroom, about to take a shower, and the "top guy" still grinning, gently kisses the other guy's cheek. I dunno, I thought it was cool, unexpected, and.... hehe, "we" won another guy over!!

Qu'est-ce que c'est porno blog ?

TO DO LIST:

• ship porno
• buy porno
• set up cockring and porn video auctions (sell porno)
• cut hair (anyone wanna buy it?)
• finish roll of film of cockring pics, and bring to KMART for developing before they go out of business
• email "uncut pal" and tell him his fans want more pics (right?)
  

WARNING: REFERRAL LOGS POST!!!!

You're unemployed, lazy, bored, so you keep checking those referral logs, and you see tons of google search results bringing people to your webpages.... (well, me, anyway) okay, but why are so many people looking for SIMPSONS PORNO??????????? I mean, its a friggin' cartoon, with children, ferchrissakes! And shave gay?? well, that search must've been disappointing! unless they're into guys hwo occasionally shave those long hairs off they're ears, but have I taken any pictures of that? gay porno, of course, is cool (although I'm second, usually behind NAKED SWORD (which does have a couple of cool freebie porn clips, btw). porno gay under 16?????? EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Isn't that illegal? how to bj - well, that's cool, although, again, I don't thing I've ever attempted to explain how (the old popsickle analogy just isn't sufficient, you need to explain the whole taint phenomemon - you know, that spot that 'taint yer a-hole, 'taint yer balls, but just in between. Some solid tonguage in there, and some forceful goatee plunges really help - cuz its really a whole rimming tease right? - for the guys who are into rimming, they keep anticipating, but not getting; and for the guys who aint into it, they're on the edge, not wanting you to "go there", but oddly confused why this particular technigue feels so good)......... But I digress.....Of course, the searches for particular porn stars, that's cool, I hope these guys find what they're looking for. I do get requests for info on how to find specific porno videos, stuff like that, which of course is cool. Hmm. Anyone out there have any success with the PAYPAL, or AMAZON donate linky things? maybe some appreciative folks might want to plop a dollar or two my way. Just a thought.

well, besides the boring referral logs, I did go out last night, I did hear mediocre music, not see any friends, had decent sex, but was hoping more for a conversation, which, if I was lucky, would lead to affection and/or sex. But, alas, I got impatient. And my intake of beer was making the likelihood of me being able to participate in a conversation less and less likely. I swear this guy's cock piercing was the weirdest I've ever managed. Great practice for working on the gag-reflex, though. It wasn't some simple loop, but some sort of big pointy jagged thing - I didn't get a good look at it, as he was sort of "making it disappear" rather forcefully and frequently. He asked about fucking - HA! oh, sure man. "please daddy, plunge that hunk of jagged metal in my tight hairy hole" .......hmmm, now that i say it outloud.......

.......ok, so with all those working people not working tomorrow and going out tonight..... naw, don't wanna jinx it. Actually, a few pals should be out, so, some beer, some boy-leering, and maybe even try smiling.
(grrrr, it's so hard, though!)

while taking a break from trying to figure out how to wrap, and ship, JOCKO'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT, I took THE BIG BEAR QUIZ - apparently, however, I don't quite measure up -- "You may be butch, but you do not have what it takes to be a bear."

(Where's that OTTER quiz??)

HEY EVERYBODY!!! It's the  Wild In The Streets  Jocko  birthday  Circle Jerk!

it worries me when I offer to clean someone's house, he accepts, then stops blogging..........

last night (thursday) was weird. a pal asked me out to dinner, but I had already eaten, its cold as shit here, so I wasn't up for watching someone eat. I fell asleep around 9:30, only to wake up after 10 thinking, "should i stay or should i go?" and managed to put some clothes together, wash my face, and get out early. The Hole has that 10 buck admission, open bar 10-12 thing, and the lines have been around the block after 11 lately. Guess what? not that many people there at 10:40, when I arrived, but The Buzzcocks were blasting, so it seemed worth it. Open Bar seemed to mean not Rolling Rock, but Bud, for some unexplained reason. What am I saying? last night wasn't weird, it was lame. The music was at its peak when I walked in the door, a few more "classic" new wavish songs, then the barage of "classic rock" jethro tull, ac/dc, all that crap, then some really really bad choices. Like, "OOH that smell" - why the fuck play that, - EVER!? And some Boston, and cheesey 60's hits. Bad DJ. Not a single song I couldn't name within 5 seconds, terribly unimaginative. Meanwhile, the basement/backroom was cold and unpopulated, so I just sat there for awhile, smoking some kitchenweed. Some guy with a bad piercing comes down the stairs, sees just me, and doesn't even bother finishing his descent. A few minutes later, upstairs, he's cruising me. At first I couldn't tell if he had one of those bolts in his chin, or just wierd facial hair. He had oddly pouty lips, and soon enough, at just the right angle, I could see he had a ring thru his lower lip. Needless to say, as "ambivalent" as I was, later, as the downstairs backroom got a bit of action, I found myself bumping crotches with him for a few minutes. Before touching, everything about him was just "ok", but, it had been some time since anyone had expressed interest in me (or, at least it seems that way in my own little needy mind), so I went for it. His breathe was that bad alcohol breath, so I tried to avoid his mouth, going for his neck, ears, etc. He was kinda sloppy, pulled out his dick, pushed my hand into it, yank yank, pull pull, after awhile it just wasn't doing much for me. But, his breathing got faster, and heavier, so I figured a few more minutes can't hurt, get the guy off, whatever. He's pulling on my cock, not terribly well, but it responded half-interested. Suddenly, in this crowded room, he turns around, away from me, and his ass is pressing against me. He's no longer touching me with his hands, and I really couldn't tell what he was doing in front, so i just started buttoning up. Either he wanted to get fucked, which wasn't gonna happen with me, or he was busy with someone else, but was maintaining that bit of contact with me "just in case"; either way, big turn off, I was almost done putting myself back together, and he turned around. I just gave him the "I'm taking a break" pat-pat on his ass, and moved toward the stairs. 3 beers, a bit of weed, and the music upstairs was getting even worse. Fleetwood Mac? geez! and the Viagra GO GO Boys weren't so hot, their cocks all purple and pained-looking. There was a real long line for the coat check (thankfully my jacket was on me), mostly folks leaving, even though I didn't think it was that late. Knowing that the next beer would be 5 bucks, I knew it was time to head home.

Gosh, I thought I looked good, in my own modest way. I had the thermal shirt that made me look like I have a chest and a small waist, plus the black leather pants that make it look like I have an ass, and with the cockring and bottom button unbottoned so it gives the illusion of a decent cock. Not to mention my not-too-freshly shaven, but stubly face, and of course, my killer smile. Oh wait, I've been told I don't smile in bars, that I sorta have this deadpan look. hmmmmm, could that be it? Sure, that guy over there in the corner is thinking "Hot ass, big package, but such an aloof expression, too bad." Sure.......

oh well, my trusty bike was waiting where i left it, one of the few things that's pure pleasure; so, despite the cold, we took the long route home. Enough liquor to not think too hard about the evening, and enough wits about me to know to call it a night, I did my speed-racer thing for that one stretch east on 6th street, racng like a kid, cold-as-shit air hitting me in the face as I sped around the corner at Avenue C, then the short block, another sharp turn, and remembering a bit of ice cream in the fridge got the smile back on my face as I popped up on the curb and stopped sharply in front of my building.

porno

I've gotten several cool videos lately, plus, a bunch I'm reviewing and posting for sale on eBay. The ones I'm keeping include:

• Leather Narcissus (not a great movie, but mid/late 70's, mostly worthwhile for the cheesey film effects, like an attempt to show the guy making love to himself);
• The Kid From L.A. mid 70's, which does look great, from director Steve Scott;
• a fantastic movie trailer reel from Jaguar Films - mostly early to mid 70's films with hilarious voice-overs promoting the movies ("The Baredevils starts where most motorcycle films end, graphically depicting raw sex. A naked romp through the big outdoors, destroying the last vestiges of sexual hang-ups between men and their lust for the male body. They live for love, and take it with fiery abandon");
• Workout which is just okay, the editing is early 80's fiddling around too much which takes away from these guys' hot muscular bodies;
• another copy of Gemini - that fantastic Steve Scott film starring Jack Wrangler and Richard Locke, with all the Pink Floyd music - so I can sell my BIJOU Video copy of it (it's exactly the same, but has like 10 minutes of lame commericals) and this one I just is an older copy, with better packaging (just ask encorswish how much i like a nice package);
• the previously mentioned in another post wonderful 1975 porn documentary Good Hot Stuff from Hand In Hand Films;
• but then I also acquired a video called the original GOOD HOT STUFF from BUCKSHOT ( a division of Colt studios) which has 4 "shorts" - 2 of them with slurpalicious Mike Davis, and one with the classic AL PARKER (wearing these great, pocketless bell-bottom jeans!). gosh.

And then there's the stuff I'm selling, like Cover Model Captive (the tickling video below is from that); A William Higgins classic Printer's Devils which stars thick-meated Michael Christopher and slurpalicious Jon King (thick-meated?); posting this weekdn the old 80's classic A Matter of Size, one of the first to be made directly on videotape; something with Donnie Russo and Hank Hightower ..... and on and on.....

ugh. coffee seems weak this morning, and the phrase "integrated/interactive advertising solutions for clients " is swirling around in my head. Here, watch a tickling clip while I look for some stronger coffee.

BEST VERSION EVER of My Funny Valentine.

A pal of mine sent me a panicky email earlier today (er, Wednesday), that the link to the YATTA! video didn't work (remember, recent birthday celebrator RON posted it in early January). I love hunting stuff down, and found 2 sites that had it, but with excrutiatingly slow downloads. I've saved it to my harddrive, as it is a handy pick-me-up. (Which is why I expect my pal wanted it, being at work and all). But, I managed to find this silly take-off on it, same music, different graphics, called Irrationalexuberance - maybe it's really stupid, (maybe I'm really stupid) but I was laughing my hairy little ass off, and have watched it 5 or 10 times already.

last night, deciding whether to go out, i went in the bathroom and saw this horrible scraggly unkept face looking back at me. so, trimmer in hand, I clipped a bit from the sides, some from the goatee, and foamed up the rest of the face for a shave. And even though I had by then decided to go out for a beer, and knowing I'd be in a smokey room, I still wanted the hot soapy water of a shower to help me feel a bit better before I left. The Phoenix had only about 10-12 people in it, but I grabbed a beer, said hey to a barbuddy, and stood near the jukebox for awhile, slurping away, feigning interest in the selections on the box. A few nice looking heads, but with their friends, and I'm usually too shy to ever say hey to a stranger, and never if they are with someone. One guy had a particularly handsome face, buzzed head, and odd goatee. Later it hit me, it looked like one of those Troll-dolls, only upside down. He had it actually tied in a bit of a knot, but despite that, I kept staring at his face, he had beautiful eyes. He seemed to notice, glanced over with a fairly expressionless, non-commital face. He and his pal soon headed over and sat in a corner to chat, out of my view. A few minutes later, done with my beer, I decided to leave, even though I had a "chip" for a free one. As I left, of course the guy looks over while still talking to his friend, a half-smile in my direction, eyes saying "why are you leaving?" I knew it would be several more beers before I'd have the nerve to walk up, and by then too drunk to say anything decent, so I kept going.

I had origianlly planned to just hit The Phoenix, no sex club (so why had I strapped on that cock-ball divider?), but the bike took me west toward 2nd avenue anyway. Once there, not many folks, as I had expected, and saw a few regulars (who thought the same of me, no doubt). Soon enough, a man who was previewing his merchandise to all who walked past caught my attention. I grabbed the booth across from him, and just watched for a while. You are getting sleepy, SLEEEEEPY...as he stroked it, and waved it, and leered in my direction. What the hell, and before I knew it he's saying things like "you like that 8-1/2 incher, doncha? Fits your mouth real good, doesn't it, boy?" Yeah yeah, whatever. I reached up for the nipples, played with them like I was trying to find the right Radio station, while I continued below. After a while he says "IF I can cum, you want it down your throat, right, boy?" Disregarding, momentarily, the IF part of the statement, I thought my body language alone displayed a preference for it going somewhere completely different (some old wives' tale about cum making your chest hair thicker). Not knowing if this was just "hot talk" I didn't want to jump up and lecture him; I just indicated non-verbally, more clearly, my preference. While not disengaging right away, he clearly was disappointed, and a few moments later, we were buttoning up without the ususal end-of-session curtesies, neither of us satisfied. But, for some reason, it didn't irk me like it usually would, maybe I was just in another place in my head, and life's usual stupidities didn't seem to matter.

Some more strolling around, and I noticed a friendly face, one I had "been with" here twice before. But, like is often the case in this place, not knowing who or what was on the other's mind, we didn't really aknowledge each other just yet. A few minutes later, however, he was sitting in the lounge area, and I approaced, his smile widening, as he said a big hello. "Where were you? I hoped you'd be here, but I came already!" awwwww, how sweet. He clearly had had a few drinks, but not in a messy way, rather in a cute, vulnerable way. I sat down next to him, and we cuddled, and talked a bit, and I petted his cute head, and he said something about my dick being nice, and i complemented his furry ass. He was waiting for his pal, they seem to come here once a week together, and always leave together, apparently a car to New Jersey. I learned he also goes to The Hole on Thursdays, but..... yup, he's married. To a guy, his husband, as he kept calling him during the conversation. But, it felt real nice to just relax, not have to perform, just touch each other, a few light kisses to the back of his head, his ears, as he stroked my leg, my face. His friend came out, we talked for another minute, then they left, saying maybe Thursday. I sighed, took one last walk around the dark corridors, and left. Hopped on my bike, and found myself in a pretty decent mood for someone who set out to have sex, paid ten bucks here, 5 bucks at the bar, without actually getting much. As I pedaled, I could feel the beer chip in my pocket, and figured even though it's 3 am, what the hell.

The Phoenix was real dead, of course. The 2 bartenders were embraced, or dancing, I couldn't really tell. I tried to look amused, rather than thirsty, as I patiently waited for them to realize I might give them a dollar in exchange for some Bud. I drank most of it, looked at the Banana Republic-looking dude play pool, a couple of real young guys, and knew it was time for some bike riding, topped off with some Ben and Jerry's.

....a few weeks ago, on an unusually warm January night...

crossing over the FDR Drive, briefly looking down at the late-night traffic, Bjork's Frosti segues into Aurora. Gosh, this was the song, as sweet as it is, that always made me cry; somehow, it's rawness, each syllable overly enunciated, always made me sing along, and tonight is no exception. But now I am alone, riding my bike thru potholes and puddles along the empty East Side park after 2 a.m., and my voice is loud and unencumbered, happy-tears streaming, as they wish, down my cheek, while I imagine I am in Iceland, seeing a "mountain shade", snow, etc. I hadn't planned it, but once I'm here, I decide to keep going south, along the East River, glad it's empty, and not too cold. Once I'm actually under the Drive, and the music has changed to An Echo, A Stain it magically matches the mood. The creekiness of the song, little blips and crackles are accentuated by the sounds of water lapping against the dirty shore, trucks above shooshing by, as I get near South Street Seaport. Last time I was down here, months back, another late night ride, grey dust covered everything, and as I got further down, saw more emergency vehicles, and uniformed men. Tonight, suddenly I am surrounded by workers; fork lifts carrying white boxes of frozen fish, dozens of guys moving hurredly by, me barely navigating out of their way and around the potholes. A few blocks later, it's empty again. As I seem to be nearing the bottom of the island, the wind picks up, and I wish I had remembered gloves. I won't go thru each song that accompanied each moment downtown, eyeing from a distance the still bright lights working hard; rescue trucks, cops and firefighter types replaced by "regular joes" - phone repair guys, cable trucks, garbagemen. And the huge gaping hole in the sky, and a sign that seems to point to the "viewing platform". I have mixed feelings about that (like most things). Yeah, folks are gonna come, and yeah, we need it to be orderly so these folks can actually continue their work. I do, however, feel quite strongly that NO politician should be allowed anywhere near it if they are gonna get their picture taken. Figure out a different way to get your crooked, lousy stupid ideas sold to the public, and funded by our tax-dollars. Try using some words, some ideas. FUCK them! ......... and, thankfully, my mind trails off again, and the next song clicks on, and I continue pedaling, disoriented, but knowing this will sorta take me to the West Side Hwy eventually. I stop at another corner, another perspective, odd and eerie, the amount of open space before my eyes in this dense part of town. The whispered lyrics in my ears take on new meaning once again, and the first few syllables of Unison awaken me enough to know I should move on. This is the song that makes my heart soar, for some reason. This is where I speed up, and stand tall on my bike, as if I am on some deserted country road, heading for the ocean, for a cliff; I pedal faster and faster, and yeah, i sing along. Those angelic backing vocals and strings - so reassuring and comforting - as I race along the deserted streets, picturing a big blue sky, and deep dark ocean ahead, on my way to some sort of Evil Knievel superfast jump off that cliff, not caring who or what might catch me, but knowing, somehow, I have to make that leap; not knowing what it is, really, just wanting to trust myself that it'll be ok.

funny, I don't remember sending a Bronx Zoo video..........

COCOON VIDEO

gorgeousness

it's the coolest, what can I say?

Go look! quicktime, fast connection, yadda yadda.
Actually, I prefer to watch on a plain white background, which you can do here.

running on very low energy today. late night out, I remember sometime after 3a.m. a guy saying "You look like you could use a hit of Xstacy" - yes, I was insulted. Yes, he was a drug dealer who I shouldn't have paid any attention to. I got my second beer soon after that (the drug of choice), watched Aner dance in his bulging jockstrap, apparently celebrating his birthday; watched some boys in the back huddle together in the crowded corners, and by 3:45, I knew the lights on wouldn't be pretty, so I pedaled home. Ate everything in sight, can't remember what lame tv shows I watched, crawled into bed, slept late. Today, just want to listen to quiet, beautiful music, and contemplate. This version of Cocoon is cool, recorded live on BBC Radio, its a "high quality" recording (320 kbps), and has some slight variations in the lyrics near the end.

Earlier in the evening, I attempted meaningless anonomous sex, but, alas, too many people there who I've done it with, and all those assorted thoughts and associations meant that any sex would have meaning, so, after pacing for 14 hours up and down the corridors, I pedaled over to The Cock, paid too much to get in, saw a pal's Mel-Gibson-Lethal-Weapon hair poking around the backroom, grabbed a beer, and actually, for awhile, the super-extended Kraftwerk remixes were fun. Seeing the oddly-coiffed boy from the other night, this time his hair was swirled, rather than pointing straight up. I obsessed on him for a while, looked at grunting boys in the backroom again, and once I heard I looked like I needed xstacy, well.... let's just say it was downhill from there.

With so many complaints about all the cock on this page last week, here's a picture I just got developed, from what I think is the only snowfall we've had here so far this year. A nice walk in Thompkins Sqaure Park a few Saturdays ago, it was really great to see the picture come out so well. The squirrels were particualarly noisy, and lots of folks were in the park. Anyway, I didn't really want to make the pic smaller, but for purposes of this page I did. If you click it, you'll get to see it in a bigger filesize, and who knows, maybe even replace your "hotboy" wallpaper for a day or two. (yeah, right!)

Another Saturday Night and.......

looking thru AOL chatrooms, as well as the m4m4sex4m4m site, there were so many choices online last night

• deepsweetass - - "Mom, this is my new boyfriend, deepsweetass. Deepsweetass, this is mom."
  
• bottomsup - - hmmm, wonder what he's into?
  
• midnightbuffet4u - - oh damn, and I just brushed my teeth.
  
• PwrBallBtm - - ouch
  
• Loco4sex - - and I'm loco4cocopuffs
  
• BendMeOverNY - - um, the city, or the whole state? (oh wait, I just looked at the pic, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!)
  
• Arroz con Leche - - ok, so my spanish is a bit rusty; is that chicken with milk?
  
• sweetblkhole - - "Sweetblkhol, this is my boyfriend, deepsweetass. Deepsweetass, this is sweetblkhol; can you fellas wait here while i run out and get some more Crisco, I seem to have run out?"
  
• ChelseaFuckHole - - isn't that redundant? (sorry, lower east side joke)
  
• GoSlowAtFirstOK - - you betcha, dude; now shuddup and bendover!
  
• bigdkdphole so, I guess this guy's equipped to go fuck himself, eh?

  plus:
  

• musclepigduo, Anonymousfuckhole, BigJuicyDad, and so many more.
  and lastly,
  
  
• absolutedaddy - - who had this in his AOL profile:
  Marital Status: SGWM, 55 ,5'11",170#,dk.blnd/brn
  Hobbies: Seeking that special guy ( over 30 please ), to enjoy special times together. Married & Bi welcome!
  Computers: Not into one night stands, just a loving, caring and honest relationship.

  Hmmmm. something about the "hobbies" and "computers" section that don't quite add up......
  
  
  

ok, so here I am making fun of all these guys, who, like me, are just looking for a little love. So, in "fairness", here's my m4m4sex4m4m ad:

fuzzy
hairy guy VERY ORAL

5'8", 140; ORAL (your balls and cock) 7-1/2, FUZZY; lower east side, easy-going. Quick bj's, or long-term, let's see where chemistry takes us.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Morning wood. Any available faces out there to take care of this?

OH MY GOD!!!!!

sorry, just had to let that out, but I just got a video today, of a 1975 film called Good Hot Stuff, not to be confused with the BUCKSHOT movie of the same name. This is a documentary from my favorite porn producers, Hand In Hand Films, the name in 70's porn movies. Jack Deveau was the president of the production company, and he also directed many of its films (along with Arch Brown, Peter de Rome, Tom DeSimone). I've taken a quick look through it, and it's got interviews, background info, and scenes from early gems like Left-Handed, Adam and Yves, and The Night Before. I am soooooooooooo excited!! I know I may sound like a dirty old man, but shit! These guys are like idols to me, they really cared about making cool, hot movies. and when you think that there were probably only about 10 movie houses in the whole country that would show these films, the care they took in making them is phenomenal - original soundtracks, actual scripts with plots, and they were the first to rent, rather than sell, prints of their films, like "legit" movie producers. They even went so far as to travel to the various porn theatres, and introduce themselves, and their product, to the theatre owners. Gosh, can you believe I actually have a notepad and pencil to watch this???? hehe.

every once in awhile I get to be ON TOP

gay sweaty porn mailing list

Mama's little baby loves shortnin' shortnin'

Hey Mr DJ, you got this one?

OHMYGOD!!! I just discovered that's BRUNO's hot hairy arm on the album cover!!

Rather than unlock my bike, I decided a bag of chips would cap off this uneventful night. Across the street at the bodega, I walked past an oddly coiffed boy, grabbed my chips, and hopped on the bike. Crossing 2nd ave, I see him leaving the bar. He looked okay and all, but that hair, with the swoosh-thing in front, pointing straight up in the air, was kinda disturbing. Pedalling east, I turned north at 1st, figuring maybe a dollar beer or two could be fun. The dog greeted me at the door, so I'm patting his back as a pal's ex-boyfriend, who's hair looked like someone forgot to tell him that auditions for "that 80's show" were over, walks over and pats me on the back. This back-patting 3-way was too much for me, so i managed to get a beer quick, and raced for the jukebox. Slurp slurp, good beer, good beer. Then the oddly coiffed boy comes in, grabs a beer, and walks towards the jukebox. A woman is looking at every track on every disc, so he had to stand and wait behind her, giving me a chance to look him over. Hmmm, rather handsome face, actually. Skinny, in that my-pants-barely-stay-on-my-slim-hips kinda way, I made eyecontact, and rolled my eyes as we both glanced towards the woman who would in a few minutes be faux-arguing with her friend over how u2 is the best band. Ever. Best. Ever. Even with the mutual disdain for the woman taking forever at the jukebox, we never spoke. But I did watch him play pool, watch his jeans barely stay on his hips, watch his arms tighten at each turn, watch the splotches of facial hair look so kissable, and wonder what that hair would look like in the morning, after a good sleep together.

Meanwhile, maybe from the pot i smoked with the 20-year-old earlier who's cock tasted nice, my mind was wandering thru the REM songs on the jukebox, and the various characters at the Bijou earlier.

• one guy from the old act-up days who always seems to be drunk - at least slurring and smelling like it.
• that scraggly-faced guy from the m4m4sex site who liked my fuzziness then, and let me talk him into leaving his t-shirt with the motorcycle on the front, but refused eyecontact now
• the guy who looks like the guy with the webcam who I never see live, and can't tell if it's really him here, cuz on the webcam he's always shirtless, and here he's fully clothed (at least, on the outside of these booths)
• that guy i did once before, who was wearing too much cologne, so I knew I couldnt handle being trapped in a teeny booth with him
• the cute short guy, who looked too much like a former co-worker who was only recently "out"
• those guys who are always here ( believe me, i know what that sounds like, but...) and are always gabbing loudly to each other about how no one "hot" is here
• the guy with the really large, fat, uncut cock, and very slurpable nipples, who i've seen, and sampled, several times at The Cock, but only likes about 10 minutes with any one guy
• that guy who keeps stumbling into me; I don't think he's drunk, just stupid
• the guy stroking his thick cock, with his door open, who looked so hot 2 weeks ago, but now he kinda skeeves me out

maybe it's time to leave, and get some chips

gee, this bandwidth thing is getting out of control. I must stop uploading music, but those eBay underwear boys are still getting lots of traffic, too. wonder which habit I should curb. Meanwhile, a pal of mine sent me a porntape, and I gotta admit, he was right about that Lance Gear. (Beware: clicking on these 2 porn links will give you CHI CHI LARUE's pop-under ads....) I don't even thing I got to see his cock before I splurted - he looked so hot with Logan Reed's schlong in his face; I dunno, I just love guys who get into cocksucking like that, very playful, even uses his shaved head as a ball-tickler, pushing the back of his head up into Reed's heavy ball-sac. But it's the grin, the smirky I-love-cock-and-yer-gonna-love-my-mouth-everywhere-I-put-it grin he has that puts me over the edge. ooooooooooh, look at that mustache in Reed's ass; he eats ass even better!
gotta go!

having forgotten to look for sex Sunday night (I had 2 beers around 5pm, fell asleep early) and not able to deal with being drunk and amongst friends and attempt sexsearch Monday night, last night seemed like the time to go out. Also, I had this cock-ball strap that I needed to give a trial run to, so I snapped it on, then my trusty fave jockstrap, and some other clothes as well. Bars seemed like too much trouble, so I pedaled over to bijou82. Bachelor #1 was slim, Hispanic, and stood near my booth doing the grabbygrabby-crotch thing for awhile, then dove into a booth across the way. I followed, we started at each other's chests, down to stomachs, and he grabbed my crotch first. The strap was working real good, pushing my balls forward, which in turn pushed my cock hard up against the cotton jockstrap. He unbuttoned the 501's, pulling, grabbing, and I reached into his. Not much at first, but his balls hung low, so I took a dive and tasted them. Pretty nice, so I pushed my tongue right up under them, and his cock started to grow. After a short while like this, I took it down my throat, and he was definately a grower! Nice and fat, he moaned above. Suddenly he pulled out, started zipping up, saying he needed a break. jeez!

Bachelor #2 I had eyed earlier, vague in his interest, but seeemd like he had been there for awhile, and was getting anxious, and soon moved out of his dimly lit booth, taking a walk around, so I got a better look at "the whole package". Nice- maybe a couple years older, solid but not a muscle-freak, blondish grey very short hair. We stood near each other for a couple minutes, I grabbed a nearby booth, and as he slowly walked up, I made it obvious I wanted him to come inside (NO! I didn't stick my ass up in the air, I just smiled slightly, stepping back into the booth to give him room to come in.) Slowly we hugged, felt each other's upper bodies, and nuzzled into each other's necks without actually kissing. I pulled at his belt, he struggled slightly with my fly, and we got a nice feel, and look, at each other's equipment. Shy in most other areas of life, once I'm in a dark dingy booth with a man's cock in front of me, I don't like to waste time. As I scrunched down to taste him, his hands went to the back of my neck, pushing, so I thought a bit more teasing was in order. I love balls anyway, so went for some very light licking, going lower and lower, while his cock hardened more, and began to bounce above me. Then I went for both of them, managing to get both balls in my mouth at the same time with one quick motion. He groaned, started stroking his cock above me, and I moved my body below so that he could see how excited this got me, as I was straining out of the jockstrap. I stood up, and grabbed the side of his neck with my mouth, gentle nibbles, pushing my whole body into his, as he pushed back. Then he slid down, and swallowed as much as he could. After a few moments of that, he seemed to notice the strap around my balls, and started slapping lightly at them as he continued to slurp. Good mouth, good mouth, man. I pulled him up, and he came up reluctantly until I pushed my mouth onto his, and he kissed hard back at me. More clothes came off, and we kissed for awhile, giving our cocks a rest, but they stayed excited, and he tucked his cock just under my balls, and started with a nice, slow, fucking motion. I was rockhard, and got back on my knees for a few more slurps, alternating big gulps and slow, light licks. He was ready, and motioned for me to move, but I aimed him at my chest, and that's where it went, dribbling all the way down onto my cock and balls, as well.

Some chitchat as we dressed, the obligatory whats-yer-name, thanks, a couple more body grabs, a gentle kiss, and I swung the door open to leave.

Here, listen to Black Planet Claire that I nabbed from The B-52's Red Planet website, while I try to remember what they played. I got there just after 8, as planned, and there was a long line, my pals already waiting. Then a long line for coatcheck, then a separate line for a wristband to proove you're old enough to drink (I saw like 3 people under the age of 30 all night) - when the guy asked for I.D., I shoved my bald head in his face - at least he laughed, and gave me the wristband. Then the long line for beer. Warm-up band was chicks on speed - who I had never heard, but had sorta heard of. Groovy, noisy, fun, noisy, day-glo, and noisy. But somehow my head-bopping got Jeff's pal who-I-only-know-thru-Jeff to move closer, and for the rest of the night he was behind me, singing along with the B-52's, bumping into my butt (accidentally, I'm sure), etc. There was a long break between bands which gave the crowd plenty of time for moving in closer, getting ruder, and the tall men found their spot in front of me, like every other standing-room only show I've ever been to.

I can't even tell you the first song they played, a sped-up version of channel z or is that you mo-dean? - but it got everyone hopping around, and briefly before the next song, Fred says hello, and flatly states: "This next song is a dance song" everyone laughs gleefully and the first few notes of dance this mess around play and the place went mad! I can't believe Cindy can still belt out "I'm not no Limberger, just a limberger" like that, but she was hot! And Fred's, razor-sharp interplay with her was f**kin' great - they had the audience going wild. Can't say which song was best, they were all so good for different reasons. Well, Lava was the best, maybe because they each got to show off for that song. Oh wait, strobe light was best, Fred kicked ass singing, and I danced frantically with the strobelight on, knowing no-one could see I have absofuckinlutely no rhythm; and oh yeah, when that plastic pineapple flew up from the crowd into Fred's hand just at the right moment, all the fags around us squealed with delight!! (or was that just me?). The audience was singing along for much of the set, which I was amazed didn't bother me. There was a lot that they didn't play in the 75-minute show, of course - nothing from Bouncing Off The Satellites (makes you wonder if it's because it's the last album Ricky Wilson was on) or anything from Mesopotamia, either. Love Shack and Roam were big sing-alongs. One of my favorite performances cuz it was so different from the rest of the show was Revolution Earth from their last studio album, Good Stuff (Cindy wasn't with the band then). Kate introduced it by saying they were enjoying their stay at the Waldorf, and was happy to see protesters in the streets again. Pseudo-trippy, feel good song, her singing was flawless; I closed my eyes as the sounds floated over our heads. (......I reach for you by me side and soar......re-vo-lu-tion earth.....)

Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads played during planet claire, and Fred was again amazing doing quiche lorraine - just so animated, his vocals wild and forceful. We knew they had to play Rock Lobster, which they saved for last, and they teased a bit with just a few notes, then Fred said something about someone they've admired for years might join them on stage. But not til midway thru the song did Yoko appear (I think Jeff and I screamed the loudest when she came on!), and her singing had totally nothing to do with the song, she was so great, just yelping away as Fred looked both puzzled and amused as he belted out his parts, and the crowd thrashed itself around for those last few minutes.

oh-my-god! I must still be high, I almost forgot! During Rock Lobster, you know the part down, down and all the audience was getting lower and lower, closer to the floor, THAT'S when Yoko Ono appeared, and everyone jumped up along with the song, screaming, dancing, bouncing, laughing, oh shit! That's when I lost my voice...hehe.

Our legs and throats were exhausted after the show, but we headed over to The Phoenix for more alcohol. Fairly quiet night there, so we got to hear a couple of b-52s songs on the jukebox. I had 2 vodka/cranberries while the other boys drank Buds. I joined them for the last round of Buds, and by this time the guy who-I-only-know-thru-Jeff and I were making eyes at each other. So frustrating, I was too drunk anyway, but there was that "how do you make a move without embarrasing yourself in front of your other firends" that we could see in each other's eyes. Soon enough the four of us left, and Jeff turned left (east) as I unlocked my bike; the other two guys started walking west, asking which way I was going. I shyly pointed east, and caught up with Jeff, giving one last glance at what's-his-name. We walked most of the way home together, even though it was fuckin' cold, and giggled about the concert, and gave each other big hugs in front of Key Food as I headed furhter east, and Jeff headed further south. Of course, I ate everything in site once I got home into my cozy warm apartment, thinking about those old pals kicking ass on stage a couple hours earlier...........

has anybody seen
a dog dyed dark green?
did I mention how much I LOVE Fred Schneider? (Why don't you marry him then?) I will. (Good) I know it's good.

must. sober. up.
all i can remember is Yoko Ono screaching into the microphone for the last song, Rock Lobster. She kicks ass, man! I'll grab some aspirin, perhaps a nap, and I'm sure the rest will come back to me..........